the hills: episode 4.

The show started with Audrina and LC reliving some old memories of prowling for boyZ at local LA shit holes. It was so cute of them to relive memories that we didn't actually see on other episodes of The Hills. I only remember them prowling for boyZ at Area and Le Deux, which are probably shit holes, just decorated better than the place they started out at last night. During the convo Audrina said, "I'm just content with myself for the first time. It's nice." As soon as she said that I wondered two things: 1. Have my prayers been answered? Did Audrina find Jesus (or did Jesus find her)? and 2. I bet Heidi drew the bridge diagram for her (according to Heidi's Twitter she is quite the lover of Jesus and pizza). 

"We ate crackers over your sweater." -- Kelly to StephiePratt

Alright, so StephiePratt was supposed to put some clothes in a box (Without getting cracker crumbs on them). Let me rephrase that to put it in more simple terms: StephiePratt was supposed to put some clothes in a box. When LC walked away to do some other "work" things, StephiePratt looked like someone just told her she needed to do some differential equations or something equally as difficult, like alphabetize some files or print some labels.  I have a feeling this internship is going to leave someone up Shit Creek without a paddle (SHOUT OUT to LJ for teaching me that gem of a phrase). Kelly told Stephie Pratt she is, "watching her." I bet it won't be too long before she gets a baby monitor video thing to really start watching StephiePratt's progress of minuscule tasks. 

Spencer feels like Heidi needs to lose the attitude. He is also sick of not knowing where he's at. Get that boy a Garmin. Spencer's idea of convincing Heidi that he isn't dating the bartender was simply, "I'm into blondes. She doesn't have blonde hair." Solid arguement. 

The Crew (my new term meaning "everyone.") hit up a hoppin' club. We were finally introduced to Brody's lady, (using the term "lady" fairly loosely here) Jayde. I can't help but wonder if it's actually spelled "J-A-Y-D-E" on her birth certificate or if she added the "Y" for a personal touch when she posed for Playboy. Brody played big brother and told Audrina to, "just go have fun." 

"So, I hear Justin's acting weird." --StephiePratt to Audrina

Proof in the pudding that StephiePratt probably can't actually print labels. The girl is an idiot. She's just now realizing that Justin Bobby is a huge weirdo? 

"He's not someone I want in real life." -- Audrina to StephiePratt, about JB

Stop the internetS. Stop the freakin' internetS. For the first time in the history of ever, I'm on Spencer's side for an argument. He calmly answered Brody's phone call, told him he couldn't go to Hawaii and hung up. Heidi immediately gets dramatic and starts pounding him about girls. Dude, he just answered the phone and said he wasn't going to go. 

"I cannot wait to discuss this with a therapist." --Heidi to Spencer

Um. Duh. 

Audrina started taking advice from Brody's boy, Sleazy T. I think he runs in the same crowd as someone else with an equally awesome name, but I don't know who at this very moment. 

"Do you know how quick our life is here on Earth?" -- Justin Bobby to Audrina

I think that was an excuse for not settling down with Audrina, but I'm not sure. Nothing JB says really makes sense anyway, so this quote was just added to his, "only truth and time will tell," quote.

"I want to feel special. You don't make me feel special. Ever." -- Audrina to Justin Bobby

Whoa, whoa, whoa-- I think Audrina forgot the really special pinky ring JB gave to Audrina not too long ago. Why are they having this conversation in a club? She told JB she was crazy in love with him and he played with his hair and walked away. Big time ouch. For the sole purpose of making my own life better, I am going to offer to pay for couples' therapy for JB and Audrina. I mean, think about it. 

Cut back to StephiePratt and LC at work. She said she put something into Excel. There is no way she knows what Excel is. I can't wait to see StephiePratt start her own company.

The moment we've all been waiting on: therapy.

"We almost got married. Twice." --Heidi

"We did get married." -- Spencer

"Alright, we did get married." -- Heidi

Well, they agreed on that. That's progress. The therapist told them they sounded high school-ish. Someone get this lady a hammer, she just hit the nail on the head. 

"What are you doing with him?" --Therapist to Heidi

Again, still kind of on Spencer's side. He tells Heidi exactly what he's thinking and she freaks out. Heidi needs to take a chill pill. Get her a bottle of Xanax or something. 

"No drama." --LC

Well, who, in their right mind, would watch this crap then?

Next on The Hills: BIBLES.

I'm giddy.