the hills: face the consequences.

We start this epi off with LC and Audrina shopping for clothes and re-living the error of Audrina's ways in Hawaii. Her ways being Brody. The whole convo was the most interesting these two have had in years, but Audrina is an idiot. She clearly feels no remorse for riding the Bromance train, simply because she is single and can date. It is what it is. 

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Cut to Heidi and "co-worker" plotting to catch Spence cheating.  We meet back up with Heidi, StephiePratt and Sister. Heidi is playing Sherlock Holmes and breaking down the texts from Bartender to Spence. StephiePratt is a bit of a detective as well, nothing gets past her.

"When, I got that text message this morning, my heart just..."-- Heidi

"You didn't get it! Spencer got it!"-- StephiePratt

"No! But, I read it!" -- Heidi

Apparently, Heidi thought one session of therapy would cure Spence's ways. Wrong. Have you seen or heard anything better than StephiePratt saying, "deliberately, malicious, deliberate, skankily," and then this rap music comes on as the skanks, led by their Pussycat Doll look-a-like leader, roll in. It was straight out of a scene from a well choreographed dance movie. They exchange waves and high school smirks. And roast of all roast, they roll up on their group and join them! Confrontation begins!

"If he sits down with me, I don't want to have to see you out and get bitched at every single time." -- Bartender

Heidi starts an onslaught of insults, but Bartender finishes it, "I see how it feels to have a conniving boyfriend! I'm just saying good luck with this, there's going to be another girl when I'm gone. Good luck with your boyfriend. Nice to meet you guys." (At least she was cordial and told Sister and StephiePratt it was nice to meet them. Just proves that even dirty skanks can have manners.) 

Cue blank stare from Heidi and some ultra comforting words from StephiePratt, "Omigah, that was gnarly."

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BBQ Time! Sleazy T is in the house! Jayde, who could give Tila Tequila a run for her slutty money, is looking quite nervous about Audrina showing her face at the Bromance BBQ. 

"Relax." -- Brody, to Jayde about confronting his hook-up buddy.

Jayde and her MySpace croanies are huddled together discussing fighting Audrina when we head back to the Bromance BBQ.  Cue Audrina's entrance and Brody consoles (or pets) Jayde and then Frankie buts in to defend his boy, Brody. 

Brody, being the honest to goodness idiot that he is, accepts a hug and air-blown kiss from Audrina and shit starts to go down. MySpace gUrl crew member removes Audrina from the couch and demands she joins their huddle (at this point, I was so hoping that song that starts out with, "There's about to be a what?! A girl fight!" was going to come on. But, it didn't). 

The convo between Jayde and Audrina was really lacking. At one point, the camera cut to LC making a shocking face as she eavesdropped. I think it's funny that most of Jayde's words are bleeped out. Brody, proving he has approximately four brain cells in his head, hugs Audrina goodbye and then confronts Jayde's obvious drinking problem, as she straight up chugs from the Jagermeister bottle. 

Side note: I've been to a lot of parties/ places that most people wouldn't necessarily be proud of or admit to everyone on the interetS (I was in college for four years), but I have never, ever seen anyone drink from a Jagger bottle like that. Ever. Impressive? Sad? Down-right frightening? Check. 

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Do you really check text messages of someone that you "trust"? I say, no. Heidi disagrees.

"You two are on completely different pages today." --Shrink

"Different books, actually." --Spence

Heidi is nauseous. So am I. 

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When did StephiePratt become such a main player on this show? She's up in everyone's biz. She is such an instigator. 

Audrina and StephiePratt voice their concerns about Jayde's drinking problem. Do I smell a Hills intervention coming up? We have a therapist on retainer, it could happen! 

"She was drinking a lot." --Audrina

"She probably, like, sleeps like, in her make-up." --StephiePratt

StephiePratt is a robot. We've got people who's boyfriends are cheating, people with drinking problems and she says the most random ass things with a blank stare on her face and a completely monotone voice. 

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Whoa, these people aren't joking about a drinking problem. We cut to a really hoppin' club where the Crew is hanging out and what's the first shot? Jayde and her MySpace gUrls Crew, wearing what looks to be lingerie, downing a bottle of Jager. Again.

MySpace gUrls Crew member tries to make a move on Audrina and Frankie steps in to calm everyone down. It doesn't last long though. Eventually, Audrina stands up to yell something about insecurity at Jayde and then she leaves to give StephiePratt the play-by-play.

Jayde demands that King of the Bromance, Brody, tell Audrina to get her, "******* *** out of here."  And being the wonderful man that he is, he tells Audrina, "I'm sorry." Then, Jayde, does some cheerleading moves and mugs down on Brody. 

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I had no idea Boy George was appearing this season! Oh, oops, it's Audrina meeting Lo and LC.  Audrina breaks down the dramatic events from the night before and LC tells her to back out. Cue: shocked faces from Audrina and Lo. 

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Spence tries out therapy alone and we really get a glimpse into his, could be empty, soul. 

"We've become one person versus two individuals." --Spence

"That's very insightful." --Therapist

Guaranteed, hands down, without a doubt-- that is the first time anyone has ever said that to our boy, Spence. It almost looked like he was going to cry at one point, but I don't think he did. Bummer. I would love to see some tears from that kid.

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LC and Bromance Brody grab some lunch and trade stories. Brody defends his decision to let Audrina "sleep" in his bed. LC pleads for Brody to talk to Audrina about this "mess" and Brody says he can't.

"Sometimes we sacrifice friendship for the one we love. It wouldn't be the first time." --LC

Ooooooh, BURN. BOOM ROASTED. Cuts deep, don't it, Bro?

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Next week on The Hills: Audrina tells Justin Bobby, "don't text me," LC tells StephiePratt to pack her shit up and leave People's Revolution, and once again, Heidi confronts the Bartender.