the hills: you're fired.

We start out with America's sweethearts-- Spencer and Heidi. Heidi told Spencer her dad was coming into town and then the look on Spencer's face afterwards was incredible. Nothing short. 

Spencer asked for some pointers and Heidi said, "be nice." Oh, good one, Heidi. That's the way to  every Cowboy with a gun's heart. 

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Audrina gets a scene of her working. Again. She's shown twittling her hair and then a man in a stuffed animal costume walked by. They weren't working all that hard because Audrina and her work buddy never even set down their purses.  And can you just bring your friends by to hang out? The girls talked the band into staying over for the weekend. Not slutty at all. 

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We jump over to the beach where Heidi and Spencer are having a "meal." Spencer, again, is asking questions about Heidi's dad, the Cowboy. But, it was the same question he had asked earlier, just arranged different. ** Dear Hills producers, I'm so over your scripted show. Not thankful, lc (the original) ** 

Cowboy Bill walks in. He is straight up the original Marlboro man. HAS. TO. BE. 

"I was telling Spencer that he is the first boyfriend you've ever met." --Heidi to the Cowboy, met with the blankest of blank stares. 

"The elopement." --Cowboy, to Heidi

"Yeah, it was Mexico. Stay away from tequila." --Spencer

Attaboy, Spence! Attaboy! That is a sure fire way to get a girl's hand in marriage-- talk about how drunk you were when you tried to marry her in Mexico! That comment was met with Heidi's dad announcement that he did bring his shotgun. What the hell airline did he fly in on? 

Spencer was name-dropping Holly, Heidi's sister a lot. I thought he hated her and that she hated him and now they are sharing heart-to-heart convos about Heidi's mom? False.

"Maybe that's the code of the west." --Cowboy

"I'm gonna move to the west then." --Spencer

Someone get this guy a map! If he isn't in the west-- where is he? And Cowboy, it's 2009 (ok, this scene could've been 2008), people get arrested for living by, "the code of the west." And for carrying guns on airplanes. Or even carrying a gun by an airplane. 

The next way to a father's heart? Bash his ex-wife in front of his new one. Score one for Spence!

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Brody and Lauren meet up for a meal and Brody is shown putting something in his mouth! Pretty sure it was food. Lauren tells Brody that she has to fire StephiePratt and Brody says, "Really?" Like, that's all he said. Then, he says, "it's gonna ruin your friendship. Guaranteed." That Brody, he's so encouraging. He ended the convo with, "sometimes you gotta suck it up."

I think Brody should write a book. 

No, I don't.

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We meet up with Audrina and StephiePratt at a bar. The band is there. I wonder if this is work, too? If it is, maybe we've figured out Audrina's job-- I believe the technical term is prostitute. 

StephiePratt is an idiot. She invited the band to stay at her place. 

We learn that the band, or just this one guy, has something "pretty solid at home." StephiePratt pries a little deeper and asks, "girlfriend?" Boy band boy says, "something like that," then goes on to reveal that they live together. Hold up, Nick Carter wannabe, something pretty solid equals girlfriend. Living together equals something pretty solid, which equals girlfriend. Newsflash: JC Chasez, you shouldn't be trying to hit it with StephiePratt.

Finaly, the smartest thing StephiePratt has ever done: left a bad situation! Two points, StephiePratt. No, 12 points. You deserve them.

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Spencer and Cowboy Bill go for a stroll on the beach...in Carhartt's and a fully-buttoned-up jean jacket. Perfect beach gear, Cowboy.  

"California's got a lot of cowboy history, too...so...what are your intentions with Heidi?" --Cowboy

What a perfect lead-in! I bet in his head he thought, "I'll distract him with some history and then shock him with a tough question!"

Spencer provides a fairly solid answer. About as solid as Boy Band Boy's answer on whether or not he has a girlfriend. He doesn't really say anything about loving and respecting her forever or taking care of her, but he did say, "he wants to live happily-ever-after with Heidi."

Cowboy then revealed the background history on Colt 45s. This man is so full of knowledge. But, he was pretty sweet and considerate when he told Spence that Heidi's mom would come around if he just worked on their relationship. Then, Spence said, "what would you say if I wanted to marry her?" I'm not sure if that's asking for a girl's hand in marriage or what. Clearly, he was just feeling the situation out. Playing the field, if you will. And in a round-about way Cowboy Bill then called Spence a loser.

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Now on to People's Revolution-- Boss Lady Lauren lets StephiePratt sit at her desk for all of 12 seconds before she just lays it down. 

"She doesn't think she can have you working here anymore." --LC to StephiePratt, and the tears flow

"This is like, being fired right now." --StephiePratt

"Even though it's interning?" --LC

"It's awkward, should I leave right now?" --StephiePratt

Then, they hugged it out. 

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During the commercial break, we are presented an acoustic version of "Unwritten," and get to see some really "sad" shots of LC and are told, officially, that LC is leaving The Hills. 

"She must move on." --Hills commercial

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StephiePratt and Heidi meet up for a meal and they at least had menus, which led us to believe they would eat food, but they didn't.

StephiePratt tells Heidi that she got fired, they talk about it for all of two seconds and then move on to the really important news of StephiePratt finding out that A.J. McLean has a live-in girlfriend back home and of course, Heidi then makes the convo about her.  

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"Have you talked to Stephanie since you fired her?" --Lo

I laughed so hard that I cried over that one.  

"I don't know that I've  ever made someone cry before." --LC

Dear LC, maybe you should watch some of your older episodes of The Hills or something...

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Spencer and Heidi hit up the ferris wheel at the Santa Monica Pier and Spencer announces that he's, "trying to be romantic."

Spencer arranges to have the ferris wheel stop mid-ride. 

"What are your thoughts on  us trying the whole marriage thing again?" --Spencer

Maybe not the best way to ask someone to marry you, but I guess it's also best to feel out the situation beforehand. By the way, Spence,  your therapist is going to eat this up!

"I feel like marriage made everything worse." --Heidi

Really, marriage is what made everything worse? Are you sure it's not just the two of you together that makes everything worse? 

In the middle of all of this, Heidi says Spencer needs to talk to her mom and Lauren-- WTF? What? Talk to Lauren? 

"Heidi, will you marry me, for real, your dream wedding?" --Spencer 

"With this ring?! Yes!" --Heidi

Well, at least she's honest.

"Til death do us part. Til death do us part, do you hear me? Not til divorce do us part." --Heidi

Sounds like the start of some really sweet wedding vows to me! 

Well, that was honestly the worst proposal ever. And not even better than his other two proposals. I have no words.

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Next week: Somehow Spencer gets LC's phone number and calls her!