the hills: girl fight.

You know we're in for a treat when the beginning narration starts with, "I had to talk to Audrina face-to-face." This is two-fold. First, Audrina isn't smart. She's not good at speaking and using words, so any scene involving her and confrontation is simply masterful. And second, K-Cav is a lil' demon bitch.

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K-Cav is with Stacy, the bartender slutbag, hanging and drinking water. I spotted salads, but no one took any bites. K-Cav called Audrina out about being an adult. This coming from the girl, who last week screamed, "This is how it's gonna be? This is how it's going to be!" at the top of her lungs for the better part of nine minutes.

While we're on the subject of Stacy, can someone please tell me how she became an actual fixture on this show? I mean...she was a bartender that flirted with Spencer and now she's friends with K-Cav? I'm so confused. This isn't real.

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Audie is playing hangiez with her sissy and they are shopping.

"Well, Justin's a douche."--Sister

"Pretty much." --Audie

"Bad seed...well, are you going to have lunch with her?"--Sissy

This conversation was very interesting. It lacked any depth at all, but was full of body art.

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We hop on over to the Pratt Pad and StephiePratt rolls up with some murdered out rims.

"It's not very kid proof."--StephiePratt

"That's why I got it." --Spence

"That's why I need a kid... to mature him." --Heidi

Whoa, bad idea. Worst idea. StephiePratt steps in and says, "That's a bad idea."

"Puppies, cats, dogs." --Spencer

"You need something to help you grow as a man." --Heidi

"No, I'll meditate." --Spencer

And then, it was over. What just happened? Well, it's hard to say, but Heidi wants kids so Spence will grow up and Spence, being the mature one in the relationship realizes that this is a horrible idea. But, hey-- they have windows in their house.

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We meet up with K-Cav looking terribly sad and dramatic and Lo. K-Cav's hair is perfection. For a lunch date. I think she has a hair person. Oh, Hills producers, you so make these people's lives so much better.

They are drinking water. But, they are at a restaurant.

"I probably should just go for Justin, if you mess with me, I'll mess with you." --K-Cav

I think this is a great reason to start a relationship. They should probably have a child too, you know, so Justin Bobby will mature a little.

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We're back with Auds and the lil' gUrliez. More "conversations" are happening. Auds totes stood up K-Cav. And Lo is looking like she might be going to a prom with her make-up all done up.

"Wait. I need black clothes." --StephiePratt

Not for a grand opening, but maybe for the funeral of my life because I'll never get it back after this.

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Back to the PrattPad. Some fake neighbors come over with a small child on a scooter. The small child is annoying. Much like SpencerBoy.

"I'm not even seeing the girl I married because you're so crazy. Don't ever volunteer me to babysit again. Thank you." --Spence

"You're not welcome." --Heidi

Classic come back from Heidi.

Classic.

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On to the band show case. Auds totes took Lo to work like it's normal. It's not normal. The singer looks way too cool for this piece of shit show. I'm almost sad for her that her record label already destined her for a life of nothing by introducing her to the world by putting her on The Hills. People who watch this show only listen to the Pussycat Dolls and old Britney Spears, not people who play the piano.

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We head over to the Playhouse where nasty gUrl Jay-de is sleazing it up on another gUrlie. K-Cav and Justin Bobby show up. JB has gotten a haircut and shaved.

"Tequila. Let's go." --Justin Bobby

K-Cav and Justin Bobby are slow dancing while contortionist are hanging from the ceiling. Probably a typical scene in Hollywood.

K-Can and Justin Bobby start mugging down, while sad shots of Audie flash onto the screen. Wow, talk about tugging on the heart strings. Too bad I couldn't give a rat's ass who K-Cav is kissing and how sad Audie is.

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Back at the PrattPad the lil' one is playing Wii and Heidi is serving snacks.

"Whoa, you're so good at THE tennis." --Heidi

The tennis?

"Say bye-bye forever. Forever." --Spence

"I'm not supposed to be around kids, I can barely be around adults. How am I supposed to be hanging out with kids?" --Spence

That is without a doubt the most true statement ever said on The Hills.

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StephiePratt, the moron and Audie are meeting up for a post-game chat. To sum up their evenings, StephiePratt says, "It was insane."

"I saw Justin and Kristen making out." --StephiePratt

"Ok." --Audie

Audie has anxiety.

Audie is an idiot.

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Justin Bobby and K-Cav are taking a trip on his bike. JB has a sparkly helmet. It's ugly.

"I'm a game player and you're a liar." --JustinBobby

Ok, I take back my earlier statement. That was the most true statement ever uttered on The Hills.

K-Cav and JB don't care and want to have a good time. Why did they go to that restaurant? Was it to eat? Do these people ever eat?

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My DVR cut off as JB and K-Cav rode off into the sunlight on his big ole motorbike. I feel dumber and more and more disappointed in myself ever minute that I spend watching this garbage.