the hills: party poopers.

Who is playing who K-Cav asks and then tells Lo she is heading to Laguna to "get away." And of course, K-Cav breaks down every last detail of Brody's surprise party without any details at all. She describes MySpace gUrl, Jay-de, and Brody's relationship as "intent." I think she meant "intense," but I cannot read her mind. Probably because she doesn't have one (OH, I must admit that was a royal set-up).

"He has to work for it." --K-Cav

I don't think slutty girls know what that means. Probably means calling rather than texting.

------

StephiePratt, or Frankenstein's gUrlie, and Auds are hanging out and talking about Derek. But, she wasn't talking about Derek at all...she was talking about Justin the whole time.

"Go move on...I have." --Auds

Clearly.

-----

We follow K-Cav to Laguna to visit her folksies. Dennis, her pops, is popping open a bottle of wine and fixing a plate of cheese. I could be wrong, but in high school I recall K-Cav living, not by the beach, but in a really small house that resembled a trailer. Interesting. Must be a rental.

"Is Brody still kind of in love with himself?" --K-Cav Pops

Nail. Meet head.

K-Cav is breaking down the dynamics of the group to her parental unit and her pops keep shaking his head like he knows what's going on.

"He's kind of a flake. He has a lot of baggage." --K-Cav

-----

We meet up with the Pratties and Spencer is wearing that hat again. He claims Heidi's dad bought it for him, which proves that he must hate him. When they enter the club Holly is having a mini party all by herself. The gang is concerned.

"Hey Holly, how's it going? Best party EVER?" --CharlieBra

"Every single second of my life is the best second of my life." --Holly

"That's a good way to look at it." --CharlieBra

Isn't it though?

Holly talks to Heidi's "boss" and Heidi and Spence let the acting begin. StephiePratt steps in and tells her to calm her shit down, which she does by performing a choreographed dance. It was pretty good, so I think Spencer's claim of her downing 200 drinks was false.

-----

StephiePratt and Heidi get together and sit at a table at a restaurant. StephiePratt is serious and she means business. She starts telling Heidi that Holly drinks A LOT and is out of control which is a result of other problems going on in her life. StephiePratt tells Heidi that she NEEDS to talk to Holly and says, "take Spencer."

And scene.

If Spencer comes to my door to talk to me about anything, especially alcoholism or clothing, I'm out. OUT, I say.

-----

K-Cav is back in the 'Bu and J. Bobby is cooking up a storm for her. He apparently wasn't invited over and K-Cav is surprised to see him. He missed the party because he was "out of town for a little while."

"You having fun?" --J. Bobby

Can you really ask that about a situation that has been going for less than 12 seconds and literally nothing is happening? I mean, I guess you can, but it seems a little out of left-field. Fun? What about that could've possibly been fun?

-----

Auds and Derek are out on a little date-night. Derek asks for a CD and Auds just knows she already gave it to him, but WAIT, she could've given it up to Justin. Of course! Please tell me how every conversation Auds has involves J. Bobby.

"Are you over him?" --Derek

"Yeah..." --Auds

That was said with a bit of a shrug and a "well...sure...no...what" look.

-----

"You're going to tell your mom about me?" --K-Cav

"I don't want a boyfriend." --K-Cav

"Right, right...COME ON." --J. Bobby

-----

The Pratties are taking Holly out for a nice little intervention lunch. Holly wobbles in. Literally. Holly orders a margarita. At lunch. I guess if you don't have a job that's alright.

Heidi jumps right in with the "you have a problem." Spence even makes a few good points and Heidi jumps in and then you hear Spence say, "yeah, yeah!" He grunts a few times and throws in, "I saw you do a dance-off!" The grunts were a little much. I think he was probably mocking her dancing, but he was off-camera so I'll never know.

"We're so similar. Like a long-haired Spencer Pratt, with better dance moves." --Spence

Was there a compliment in there somewhere?

"Alcohol shouldn't be the number one love of my life, but we've had some great years together." --Holly

I want that on a Hallmark card.

Easiest intervention EVER.

-----

Finally, over to Brody's we go. K-Cav greets him at the door and I immediately see bad things happening. Also, the dog in the scene apparently used to be "their" dog. Interesting.

"He came to my Malibu house. He hunted me down." --K-Cav

Hunted you down? He knows your address. Easy hunt. I thought you wanted him to work for it. Give him a wrong phone number and tell him you live in Salt Lake City then see if he can find you.

-----

J. Bobby is walking the streets alone and we see that he's going to meet up with (GASP) Auds!

"I don't know whether to give you a hug?" --Auds

"Oh, we can just sit." --J. Bobby

As he sits two miles away. Boom. Roasted.

Auds wants to break the ice and doesn't want their to be awkwardness. Does awkward also mean boring?

J. Bobby is mad about Derek and he doesn't care. He pours out his heart and Auds greets him with a blank look.

"I would never be able to say anything was better than Audrina Patridge ever in my life." --J. Bobby

Even after you saw her acting skills in "Sorority Row?"

"I won't talk to Derek anymore." --Auds

It's that easy?

Wow, these people are just dumb. I can't even write anymore on that subject. I have a college degree and I just spent 23 minutes of my life watching this and then breaking it down. Maybe I'm the dumb one.