the hills: surprise (you all suck).

During this recap I hope to answer two questions:

-WTF?

-Wait, are you shitting me?

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We start the epi with K-Cav and her BFFFFFFFFF, Stacie, getting some sex toys for the Brodster and his gUrlie, Jay-de. K-Cav really shows her classy side when she starts telling Stacie about her "vanilla" relationship with the Brodster. That Stacie, she's just good company.

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The epi really begins when we see Justin Bobby showing off in the water for his lady love, K-Cav. He isn't very good. K-Cav greets him at the shoreline soaking wet and then immediately upon handing JB a glass of white wine her hair is totally dry.

"Aww, cute." --Justin Bobby

The scene ends with a mini-montage of fun: JB and K-Cav flirting and spraying water on each other.

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Finally, only three minutes in we get to meet up with StephiePratt and Auds. There aren't two people much dumber than these two. I would love to discuss health care reform or even just some simple addition and subtraction math problems could be fun, too.

StephiePratt tells Auds it's time for her to start going out again and we are able to ask the question: WTF? Auds acts as if her hiatus from "going out" was because of some tragedy. Nope, turns out it was "just to get my head straight after Justin." This comment was met with a full-on blank stare from StephiePratt.

"I already know where this is going Audrina...dude, Derek is so hot." --StephiePratt

StephiePratt missed a golden opportunity here to talk some sense into her dear friend Auds, but instead she says not to date a guy who is too nice because you'd get bored.

Can we address StephiePratt's obvious plastic surgery face yet? Ok, lets-- OUCH. She's now like a hybrid of a plastic toy and your old scary aunt who got too much botox. Janice Dickinson, meet StephiePratt.

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We are then taken to the surprise party of the century (or of this half-hour on MTV). Jay-de and her playmate/MySpace gUrl crew are hosting the party at the Brodster's mom's house. What 26th birthday party isn't complete without a bounce-house? I thought those things had a weight limit.

Lo and StephiePratt are there and let me tell you, you can't get much past those two. Sherlock Holmes and Sherlock Holmes, Jr. right there. They cracked the case: K-Cav and Justin are dating.

Jay-de, looking all plastic, greets her main man at the gate and everyone is happy.

"Where's your man, where's Justin?" --Brodster

The Hills producers were really rubbing in that JB didn't show. So much so that Brody asked K-Cav not once, but twice where her man was. COLD.

The party is almost ruined when Frankie hits K-Cav in the face and Brody shows a little too much attention to her. Then, Brody's mother almost makes out with K-Cav.

Jay-de begs the Brodster to open presents.

"Yeah, can we open all these F&&&*** presents?" --Jay-de

CLASSY.

Jay-de isn't into the freaky stuff or the after-party and ruins the party. She must've been drinking straight Jagermeister again because she tip-toed off like she was walking on hot coals or something.

"We don't care." --Brodster

Couldn't have said it better myself.

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We meet up with Auds in the middle of the day for her lunch date. Most people go on lunch dates because they work. I'm not sure why Auds goes on them.

Can you imagine what a first date would be like with Audrina? Do you think she reads off of note cards? Can you imagine being on a date and someone saying, "Did you have fun at the Tool concert?" I didn't even know they were still a band. Interesting and fun fact.

"Whatever. I don't want to talk about Justin." --Auds

Funny. That is ALL you talk about.

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Again, during the middle of the day, we hop on over to the PrattPad where Spence and CharlieBra are hitting some golf balls into the canyon. I must admit, I've been missing CharlieBra. Where is Sleazy-T though?

This is the time where I'd like to address the question: Wait, are you shitting me?

Wait, are you shitting me, Spencer? What are you wearing? I thought it was a joke last week, but it seems like you are for real with this necklace that you're wearing. I can't tell if it's a dead rabbit or a combination of an old computer and a dead rabbit. Must have been in the bargain bin at Target. Those little bastards always get me, too! I mean, they put them right at the front door and everything is only a dollar.

CharlieBra agrees that children should not be on the horizon for the Pratties. And what is up with this kid? I mean, you mention him and immediately he appears on screen. What. a. coincidence.

"Heidi like kids." --Small weird child

Do you really think Spencer could count to 1,000?

"This is so over my head, I never thought (A) I'd have a wife..." --Spence

I bet you aren't the only person who thought that.

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We head over to the Brodster's after-party, which surprisingly is not at the Waffle House.

Stacie is there, but she wasn't at the real party. Can't say I've ever attended an intimate after-party if I wasn't invited to the real party first.

The Brodster and the rest of the Bromance crew show up and I swear a 40-year-old man in Tommy Bahama and glasses shows up looking around like, "How'd I get here? Who cares! I'm drinking a beer in a koozie."

K-Cav and the Brodster break down the basics of love and the pain that comes along with it.

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The Pratties are out to din-din and not only did Spencer go out in public with that hat on his head, but people let him into a restaurant wearing it.

"What do you have against babies?" --Heidi

Probably the same thing all of humanity has against him: breathing.

"Is this a marriage or a dictatorship?" --Spence

"What you want, I want." --Heidi

Heidi, do you want that hat, too? Please say no. But, if you say no, you're a liar.

You know what really burns me? Those dumb Hills producers really think people out there are falling for the story line of little Pratties coming into the world soon. I mean, come on. How many months ago was it that Heidi released her very critically not acclaimed flop, "Blackout?" This is a woman who wants children?

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Per the usual, we meet up with StephiePratt and Auds for their daily ritual of getting together and desperately trying to form sentences that make sense so they can re-play their night before.

I'm not sure if Auds has trouble with this because StephiePratt is an idiot or if StephiePratt has trouble with it because Auds is an idiot. It's really a toss-up. I mean, at one point during Auds' break-down of her lunch date StephiePratt is just staring at her. The only other time I've seen a look like that the person had just seen a trainwreck. Which actually, is probably a reasonable comparison when you think about it.

And ever-true to her word, Auds doesn't want to talk about Justin, but she does.

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We hop back on over to K-Cav's Malibu Barbie beach house and Stacie greets K-Cav as she walks down the stairs. So, Stacie and K-Cav live together? Do you think that's weird? You just have to live with some girl that Spencer met in a bar? I mean, literally that's why.

And let's mention that it looks like Stacie's after-party went on a little longer than everyone else's. She is looking R-O-U-G-H. And she's drinking what looks to be some sort of martini. I mean, it could be 2 o'clock in the afternoon, but I'm doubtful.

K-Cav and Stacie analyze Justin Bobby and his games. K-Cav puts her foot down.

"Strike one." --K-Cav

Oh, K-Cav, you're so generous.

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And I would now like to talk about the commercials for The Hills. I mean, can you imagine being on a show and the producers come up to you and say, "Ok, we've got a great idea: we're going to borrow some lights from an old P-Diddy video and it's going to say, 'The bitch is back,' you'll just stand next to it." I mean, what? Mom and dad must be over-the-moon proud.