21st olympiad. volume two.

Alright, so let me get this straight: a sport can be an event in the winter Olympics if you do it on ice or snow? No, seriously, that has to be it. That has to be the logic behind why skiiing around a circle and shooting at a target would be an Olympic event. And if that's not it, then how in the hell did ice dancing make it? And if you're seriously telling me that a bunch of drunks didn't come up with curling because there were no more shuffleboards available at the local pub, then slap me and call me Susan.

I'm sure a lot of my animosity on this subject stems from the fact that up until I was 16 or 17 I seriously thought I was going to play college basketball and be some sort of champion for something other than a competition in my head or one I created myself in my driveway. But, I don't know...

Ice dancing? How is this any different than figure skating...oh, I know...it's not as hard! Tiring? Yes, probably. More difficult than walking? I'll give you that, but...they don't even jump. And the costumes look like outcasts from an off-off-off-off-off Broadway production or something. I just don't get it. Just because they are breaking it down on ice doesn't mean I should have to suffer through it in prime time. Also, if this is dancing, where are the body rolls? Where's the bumping and grinding? I didn't see one dancer drop it like it was hot once. I'm just saying.

If you've ever been to a farm or a ranch or just a pasture I'm sure you had a gun and you shot a can or a random log in a pond or something. Yes, I grew up in Arkansas and yes, I did that growing up, but I never expected to get a medal for it. I wasn't on skis, but still...walking in grass up to your knees is hard. What's next? Cow-tipping in the summer games?

The more I think about it the more most of these events seem like they came from a drunk person bored with sitting inside and drinking.

Drunk1: You bored?

Drunk2: I'm drunk.

D1: Get the swiffer, let's go outside.

D2: Sounds fun!

D1: Ok, I'll push this rock down to the other end of the ice, you get the swiffer and clean the ice.

Seriously? It's not a sport if you can wear make-up, hoop earrings and your hair down. It's just not.

Can you imagine a worse punishment than cross-country skiing? Forget water-boarding, let's make prisoners ski cross-country a few hours a day. They'd crack.