the hills: new and not improved.

Well, finally. It's back. PTL, this is the last season though.

I know a thing or two about train wrecks and honey, this show is a train wreck.

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We started off with a bit of a recap and thankfully, they showed Spencer wearing that God forsaken cowboy hat, which I think should get a spin-off when all of this is over with.

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We meet up with Lil' Lo and StephiePratt. I find it completely interesting that Lo says, "Hey gUrl, what's up?" And non-chalantly StephiePratt says, "Just had an AA meeting." I mean, it was literally like she was saying, "Oh, nothing, just running some errands. Bought some tampons at Target. NBD."

"I'm only 23 and I've been to jail twice...that's not normal." --StephiePratt

"Are you allowed to go out with us?" --LO

"I'm not grounded." --StephiePratt

Immediately Lo asks if StephiePratt can go out, because that's what you do when you're friend is attending AA-- you ask her to go out. After a little bit of a rundown about who and what is going down in Miami (that's what she said) StephiePratt has suddenly changed clothes and has fixed her hair differently! Oh, Hills Producers, you cannot fool me! I know your typical viewer demographic is a group of borderline mentally challenged teenagers, but come on! It's a completely different outfit and her hair is totally different!

When StephiePratt says she hasn't seen her brother or Heidi in months, Lo breaks it down for her...

"Eyebrow lift, ears pinned back, nose job, chin job, boob job, BUTT job." --LO

"Butt job? ...How do, how do you add...?" --StephiePratt

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We make our way over to the Pratties and well, Heidiiiiiiiiiii's got a new face (SHOUT OUT! VAMPIRE WEEKEND)! SpencerBoy doesn't want wifey going to Colorado, but that should be the least of his worries-- he should be worried about going out in public wearing that necklace.

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What up, MIAMI?!

We meet up with the Bromance crew and all the single ladies about to get their RAGE on, but first let's do some jet skiing!

I've somewhat decided that Lo sits around in her spare time and reads Ok! Magazine and US Weekly. How else does she know all that she knows? Surely, SURELY, she's not just sitting around making shit up and then saying it out loud? gUrl, you gotta keep some thoughts to yourself! Come on!

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When we make it to Casa Montag in Colorado we open up with a montage of family photos. Smooth, Hills Producers. Smooth. Please remind me of how cute and normal looking Heidi was before she went all Bride of Frankenstein on me.

Darlene musters up some enthusiasm to answer the door, but it fades quicker than Heidi's solo music career did. Tears start flowing like the Nile.

"Don't touch anything..." --Holly, in reference to Darlene touching Heidi and after Heidi told her to "be careful with everything."
We are dealing with fine China here, people.

"What? You act like you have a new face or something?" --Heidi

Bitch, you do have a new face! There's no other way to put it!

The conversation between BoF (Bride of Frankenstein) and her mother is seriously one of the saddest things I've ever seen on tv. Seriously, next to Old Yeller and the series finale of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, this is it! This girl must have had her brain nicked during the ear-pinning process. Darlene is crying for a reason and it ain't because her daughter's jaw is "kind of locked up," it's because her daughter is married to a son of a bitch and now she's got psychological issues.

"Is that permanent?" --Darlene

Things took a real turn for the worse for me when Heidi compared her surgeries to brain surgery, or even "huge surgery." Darlene is doing nothing but trying to understand BoF and Holly is sitting in the corner shaking her head. I'm guessing Holly is shaking for two reasons: first off, she needs a drink. For sure. And two, she had to sit on a plane for two hours and look at Heidi and listen to her justify her completely irrational decision to have 10 surgeries done and then compare it to brain surgery. I'd be in a corner shaking and rocking myself, too, Holly.

"This is what I chose and there's nothing that I can take back." --Heidi

Yes, exactly! That's what the big deal is, you idiot.

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Back to Miami where the Red Bull flows like water and black rompers are the new jeans and a halter top.

The gUrlies are drinking and making obligatory toasts to "friendship." It's shit like that that confirms this crew is far from being an actual crew and closer to being something more along the lines of people who hate each other and only hang out when they have to film their reality tv show. I don't know. I could be wrong. I'm not.

King of the Bromance, Brody, and his band of BoyZ barge in and make yet another toast, but this time they toast to friendship AND raging. I'd have to rage to be friends with these people and fool myself into thinking we are close enough to make toasts about being friends. I see their options are limited.

When they finally make it out to the clubs, Brody and Auds walk to the bar by themselves and K-Cav decides she wants to shoot herself in the head. I'm there with you, gUrl.

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The sun is rising in Miami and so are all the single ladies. These bitches are looking R-O-U-G-H.

StephiePratt, being the huge idiot that she is, asks AuddiePat why just she and Brody went to the bar. She made it seem like the two went on a date or something simply because they walked 13 feet together without buffers. I could think of better ways to start drama than that. Come on!

When Lo asks what time everyone went home and K-Cav exclaims, "Like, 5..." you would've thought the girls just found out Santa Claus isn't real AND that they may be forced to actually get jobs in the very near future by the shocked looks on their faces. Granted, 5am is a little late to stay out, we're talking about K-Cav here, not your grandmother. Are you really that shocked? Doubtful.

The look on K-Cav's face when all the gUrlies thought staying in would be fun, was completely priceless. It's like she was sitting in on a Senate Finance Committee hearing or something. She was not happy.

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Back to Colorado and BoF's preshie little stepfather is desperately trying to make everything alright and he asks her all of these questions and tries to listen to her and the next thing you know he says he face looks "frozen." Oops, dad. Oops.

The food comes and in a dramatic move for The Hills-- SOMEONE TRIED TO EAT. But, of course, this person's jaw is "kind of locked" and can't eat. Oh, so tricky you Hills Producers!

"I'm just having a mature conversation with a brilliant, articulate woman." --BoF's mom

Cue look of complete horror and distain from BoF. She was so offended that her mother called her mature, brilliant and articulate. I was a little offended too, because clearly...she is none of those things. Hey, I just call 'em like I see 'em.

How is little brosef dealing with all of this? I mean, I am going to call up the Montag Casa and volunteer to pay all of his therapy bills. He's like 15, this can't be good for him to see. Well, actually it's not good for any of us to see.

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Back to Miami, where the heat is on and they party all night to the break of dawn (SHOUT OUT! VAMPIRE, CRAZY).

The gUrl crew minus K-Cav is chilling in the hotel looking all fly and shit (thanks, Fergie), which leads me to believe these gUrls are not staying in for the night. If I'm staying in for a night, the last thing I do is wash my hair and the second to last thing I do is put shoes on. Lo decides it's ok to leave her and then StephiePratt chimes in with her brilliant commentary and thinks this is all happening because AuddiePat and Bromance Brody walked to the bar the night before. But, no...Lo thinks she's on drugs. Two different perspectives. I like the angles we're going with here.

"None of us need to be in a space where there's drugs, where there's crack heads, like..." --LO

I couldn't agree more.

Cue K-Cav and nasty bartender Stacie taking shots at the club. Where did she come from? Do the editors on this show even try anymore?

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Another day has come and the gUrls bust up into K-Cav's hotel room, in what could possibly be the funniest scene of all-time on The Hills. It was like a real reality tv show there for a second. And who were those croanies crawling out of K-Cav's bed? So many questions.

Many applause to K-Cav for jumping out of bed like a champ though. That's what I like to see-- a little pep in her step.

K-Cav is looking like a total train wreck and the gUrls are interrogating K-Cav like they are homeland security or something. They leave K-Cav to gather her shit and then go about six feet away to whisper about her. Not a smart move. You have to at least shut the door or go to another room. Haven't you ever been to a slumber party?

"Do we have to go in public with her right now?" --LO

If I had a dollar for all of the times my friends have said that about me, I'd have a lot of dollars right now.

K-Cav calls them out for talking about her and then, in a scene out of Intervention, all hell breaks loose and the cat is out of the bag.

"Everybody is saying that you're doing drugs." --LO

"Kristen, your legs are like, tiny. You're wearing sunglasses all day." --StephiePratt

Now, there's an argument.

This is also the part where I got really confused. Had K-Cav been sleeping all day? What time did they wake her up because they don't have to leave until 4pm, but they are freaking out like they are going to miss their flight if they don't leave in the next 46 seconds.

The dramatic music begins and K-Cav reflects on her supposed drug problem by digging through her purse and staring at the floor.

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I have no more words for BoF and her family. Her family is legit and they care about their daughter. They clearly cannot help Heidi, so maybe they should focus on Holly and the shit she is always wearing on her head.

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Back to Miami where the gUrls are waiting. K-Cav swoops in just the barely to catch the car to the airport. Thank God.