the hills: pre-intervention.

We start off the epi with the two outcast sisters, who aren't in any way sisters, but call each other "sister" at a restaurant. Idiots. They say they are at lunch, but who's eating? I'd love to know how StephiePratt is still driving if she's had like 19 DUIs. Shouldn't she be without a license by now or at least having to take a Breathalyzer before getting into her car?

Holly is telling Stephie all about SpencerBoy's antics and Stephie just looks on in horror.

"You're scaring me right now." --StephiePratt

With the most straight-face ever.

You know what? You're scaring me. Both of you.

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Heidi 10.0 and K-Cav meet up for some glasses of water. Why else would you go to a restaurant? K-Cav reveals that she and King of the Bromance, Brody, are friends with benefits.

"I think that's one thing Spencer really is missing in his life is Brody." --Heidi 10.0

Yeah, aren't we all? Aren't we all?

K-Cav immediately jumps to talking about SpencerBoy being crazy.

"But, he's a fun crazy." Heidi 10.0

Yeah, aren't we all? Aren't we all?

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In a move that leads me to believe RyanHairCabrera is only dating AuddiePat to re-launch his career, AuddiePat heads over to the recording studio. What's super weird though is that these two have the most normal interactions on the show. They might actually like each other. I can't decide. I mean, he won't even go hang out with her croanies. I think it's real.

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Yesssssssss, time to par-tay. The crew heads to Wonderland, where they have bottle service and chain wallets galore. Seriously, Bro? A chain wallet? What is this-- Russellville Middle School ala 1997? Please.

Bromance Brody tries to DTR it with AuddiePat in the middle of the bangin' club scene, but not before StephiePratt tries to sell her self-tanning kit to K-Cav. Thank God K-Cav doesn't bite. Can you imagine that disaster?

"I have things to talk to you about that I wasn't able to talk to you about when I had a girlfriend." --Brody

What the what?

"Brody, I have a boyfriend." --AuddiePat

SpencerBoy makes it out to the club and is exactly what a donkey (read: jackass) would be like if it could talk. Brody, offering tons of solid advice, tries to tell SpencerBoy he's stuck in his marriage. Out of left field SpencerBoy yells at AuddiePat, "you're the lamest girl in this club." Well, that's totally true, Spence, but why ya gotta be like that? Brody and SpencerBoy get into it. It's messy.

"You don't know how dangerous I am." --SpencerBoy

No, Spence, I think we do. Your one-way ticket to CrazyAssTown has been cashed. The ship sailed and you were dropped off.

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StephiePratt and AuddiePat try to trick us into thinking they are having a meal by sitting down at a table where food is served. They use big words and plot an intervention. But, first AuddiePat and K-Cav are going to sit down with Heidi. StephiePratt acts somewhat concerned about her brother and S-I-L.

"Try to bring me up." --StephiePratt

So much for being concerned about your brother and the crystals of crazyydom.

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K-Cav, AuddiePat and Heidi 10.0 meet up to sit at a table. K-Cav really likes Heidi's shorts and Heidi claims to have "made" them. I'm wondering what that means. AuddiePat was weirded out too. As soon as Heidi 10.0 sits down AuddiePat launches into stealth mode.

"An apology for what? .... I think he's just had a lot going on with our families." --Heidi

Do you think maybe, MAYBE it's because you, his wife, got like 36 plastic surgeries?

About the time K-Cav says SpencerBoy is angry and scary, Heidi says, "here's the thing: you don't me. Spencer didn't change me. I changed myself." I beg to differ. This gUrl is about 19 crayons short of even having one crayon. She's nutso.

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Yes! Another club scene. E'erybody get silly! AuddiePat's beau is sleeping and is the luckiest person in LA because he's missing this hoppin' scene.

Bromance Brody and K-Cav decide to kiss. NBD.

The Pratties walk in and bring their weird-ass crystals with them. Not only that they've scoured the country for every ring in America to put on their fingers they also succeeded in isolating absolutely every one of the croanies. Who brings crystals to a bar?

"Oh my God. Heidi just pulled out crystals." --StephiePratt

"This one is for genuises." --Heidi 10.0
Well, how did she get it?

"I don't let her go on tv, no computers. The only thing Heidi does is read and write poetry and pray....and pet puppies...and read books...so she is logged out of the matrix." --SpencerBoy

Do we really think Heidi can read or turn on a computer without help? Really? Also, I would love to read some of her poems! Can you imagine? Brilliance, I'm sure. And if she doesn't go on tv how is she on this show?

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So, what the hell happened with Bromance and K-Cav that he needed to put on that crop-top? Something happened.

"I think this little thing is good." --K-Cav

"Yeah, but I'm going to be honest: I really like being single." --Brody

Talk about being shut down! Oops!

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And now...the pre-intervention meeting. First off, there are currently 6,697,254,041 people in the world. And out of those 6,697,254,041 these five girlies are the ab.so.lute last people I'd ever want to rescue me from anything. They are also the last five people I'd ever want to stage an intervention with (for?) me. I'm talking, I'd rather have Kim Jong Il (North Korean dictator, SHOUT OUT) tell me I have a problem than these people.

They think the Pratties are brainwashed and crazy. Holly and StephiePratt go back and forth over whose sibling is worse. Is there really a deciding factor? Both terrible. No question.

"We can't go to there house and make them be better people." --AuddiePat

So true, Auds...and you'd be the last person to make that happen anyway.

In a tough move they all decide to cut the Pratties out of their lives. Too bad the show requires them to be in each other's lives. Don't they read their contracts? How do they keep missing these things? When they make this decision they each say their form of "I'm washing my hands of them" with these little smirks on their faces. It's like they know if they do this correctly they could be nominated for an Emmy. That or get a call from Oprah.

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These people give me so much anxiety. But, seriously, have you ever seen a group of people that needed the love of a Savior more than them?

Side note: I feel like Jesus probably rolls his eyes at them a lot. A lot.