the bachelor: epi 2.

Let me preface this whole post by stating that I'm completely shocked my head has not exploded yet. There are too many quotes to publish, but I'm trying.

So, Bach Brad's looking over a cliff and holding a football. What an American! He tells us he's changed and on the verge of, what has to be tears, he tells us he thinks he's going to find his wife. That's one lucky "lady!"

Enter Chris Harrison. Nice shirt. He explains the "rules" to the "ladies." Like, we know the rules. Dentist Ashley gets the first day and says, "It's an honor." An honor? Look up the definition to that word and try again. Other Ashley is upset. For good reason. Someone's going on a wild ride and it's not her. You'd be upset, too.

Bach Brad shows his face. He claims to have planned an amazing night for Oral Ashley (and, we won't be using that nickname again). I can't help but wonder all the things I've wondered for years: did Bach Brad really plan this date? Did he set up the carnival himself? Etc; etc;

The switch is flipped and instead of a dentist and a man who's been through therapy we're left with two manic third graders laughing and "living in the moment." The cackles these two let out from their bodies were almost terrifying.

"It's been a lot of years since I've met a girl right off the bat and felt comfortable enough to just. be. me." -- Bach Brad

Uh-oh! Zing! Brad, this is the just the first date. I think you've learned too much in therapy.

The other gUrlies are sitting in the living room (in their bikinis, because that's normal) waiting on the date card. Why don't they just send a Facebook invite? So much more efficient. OMG. 15 gUrls and Bach Brad on one date? Michelle is super sad because it's her birthday and she guarantees us that she WILL go crazy. What a tease! And. These people have seen the show, right? Like, they know there will be group dates? No? I thought everyone knew that. I'm so naive.

You can get white wine at a carnival? Clearly, I go to the wrong carnivals.

"I like this girl. I like this girl a lot." --Bach Brad, enter cheesy music and let the kissing begin

"I never thought I would fall so quickly for somebody. This is all so new to me." --Dentist

Like, y'all. Get a grip. It's like they're at a junior high lock-in and they have to cram in everything possible. Including: bold declarations, ridiculousness and kissing.

So, they do all this kissing and then Bach Brad says, "So...tell me about you." Zing! Someone is getting ahead of himself. Oh no, here come the tears. Her dad is homeless-- his dad is homeless, or something like being homeless. Soulfreakingmates. That piano soundtrack is incredible. I do like that he clearly has no emotional attachments to his father by repeatedly calling him, "that guy." Or maybe he hasn't dealt with that in therapy? Bach Brad has already let down his walls and he's lighter, happier and can breathe. New fad diet? The Dentist gets the rose.

Back at the casa, Michelle is turning 30 and she "just wants him to notice me." Honey, you have on earrings the size of a small Kia. If he doesn't notice you, he's either blind or dead.

We move the birthday party to the limo and talk to Melissa, who, let's be a little bit honest here, needs to get her roots done. Melissa is nervous, but she says, "I'm gonna bring it. I always bring it." Is she playing softball or going on a date? Alli is super pumped for the date and promises to "step it up." It's like all these "ladies" called their junior high basketball coaches for advice.

Oh, great. What a shitty date. Not only are there 15 gUrls on the date, but you have to give blood? Oh, false alarm. Just filming commercials encouraging others to give blood, because obviously that's what you do on dates.

The gUrlies are getting ready for their commercial shoots and each and every one of them is leading me to believe that they are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I feel like I'm missing something, but I'm not. This is their real life.

Ok, Michelle, get a damn grip. I can't be certain, but this could be our CRAY-ZO.

These commercials are really stupid and I tried to pay attention, but I blacked out for a second.

Britt, the food writer, is "a big ole prude," maybe only the third or fourth in Bachelor history. She has to kiss Bach Brad and another gUrl. Eww. Gross. Nothing would make me want to donate blood less.

Michelle marched off set and her plan worked! Bach Brad came out to talk to her and they held hands and looked in each other's eyes and promised each other to "continue on the path" and of course, "pursue the connection." Honestly, if someone said that to me on a date, I would wonder if they were talking about wi-fi or something.

We can continue on to the "after party" but, I keep thinking, after what? MelissaTheGamer is getting PSYCHED. Like, pumped. Like, WWF pumped. However, I don't really think she brought it.

Uh-oh! Party foul, "all the ladies are trying to get up on my man." --Michelle

Now she's talking about connecting again and breaking down walls and dissecting and layers. So, I don't know if she's trying to get on the internetS or build a fort or sit through a science class. Maybe her necklace is weighing her down. I bet she's light-headed.

All the lame-gUrls are sitting around waiting on the date box and we learn that Jack-ee is getting the next one-on-one date. I was shocked, because I don't think I've seen Jack-ee before. I looked up expecting to see the '80s stand-up comedian.

Bach Brad takes a dip and then grabs the rose. He gives a really incredible speech. Minus the incredible part, because there was nothing incredible about it. He gives the rose to the burrday gUrl and well, he got duped. Michelle took the rose and waved it around awkwardly while swaying in the pool. Honest to God, it was one of the creepiest/weirdest things I've ever seen.

Jack-ee and Bach Brad take off in "his" car and Brad proclaims, "Jack-ee's about to get her very own 'Pretty Woman' experience!" Oh, just what I've always wanted! People to treat me like the whore that I am!

JackKnife gets to pick out a dress and my worst nightmare comes true-- a room full of floor-length gowns in every color.

Emily calls her daughter and cries. I would feel bad for her if she wasn't really pretty, with a great accent and a Tiffany bracelet on her wrist. Emily, it takes more than a puppy to get me suckered in.

I find it interesting that Jack-ee called herself "Cinderella" and Bach Brad compared her to a high-dollar prostitute. Then, they had some really not-so-deep heart-to-heart and Bach Brad gave her a rose and Train performed. Which, I thought Train had a pretty good 2010, but their 2011 is looking pretty bleak after appearing on this piece of shit show. All Bach Brad cared about was "holding Jack-ee close." Gagsies. They kiss. So, this guy is quite the romancer. I really think he'd kiss anybody or give anybody a rose, if they just ask a couple of questions and say something along the lines of, "I'm not here to play games."

Now on to the cocktail party from hell. Michelle just asked random questions. CUTE. Gag. Emily went for the jugular with her and she does NOT care where Bach Brad gets his coffee from. Sidenote: If he's a real Austin dude, he doesn't get it from Starbucks. Emily has left Bach Brad speechless. Literally. And what the hell is with all the pastels this guy wears? I like when a man can wear purple or pink every now and then, but every shirt on this episode? Really?

Oh, Lord, Melissa and her cheerleading skirt are on the war path. gUrl, you are a 32-year-old waitress, who quit being a waitress to come on this show. Time to stop picking fights with people eight years your junior, gUrl and get your shit together.

"I will not have you get in the way of the rest of my life." --Rachel

I like that. Boom! Roasted. Done. Talk to the hand.

"I need to move, I will not have you obstruct the rest of my life." --Rachel

Well, now she's just using big words to impress the others. Obstruct is just a big word for "in the way!" You can't fool me and my college education.

SuperNanny911 Ashley tried to put out the fire that is Melissa, but she just went outside and bawled like a cray-zo. Of course, she felt attacked. She confided in the vampire gUrl, which just seems like a terrible idea, because, hello-- she's a vampire. And then the gUrl with cleavage from here to Mexico (SHOUT OUT! BEYONCE!) name-dropped Jesus. I can only imagine that Jesus just rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"She's just, like, such an energy suck." --Melissa, in her super could-be-drunk rant to Bach Brad

Brad likes the tears. Brad's spent three years in therapy. He naturally gravitates to tears.

Enter Ali and Roberto. To me, that's like inviting two people you met once in college to be your marriage counselors. Like, they don't even know Bach Brad. Is anybody on this show actually on it for the "right reasons?" I wish I knew the correct reasons to publicly embarrass yourself and your family's good name on national television.

A&R sat down and just heard 15 gUrls bitch about every other gUrl. And they weren't even drinking. Fail.

Bach Brad gives the rando rose to BarbieEmily. Obvi.

OMG. Most dramatic rose ceremony since last week. It's actually pretty dramatic for me because I'm certain I didn't know some of these gUrls were even on this "journey" before the ceremony began. And in the end, he picks the gUrl that made out with him and another gUrl. I mean, you gotta hand it to him. At least he's honest.

"Honestly, I don't know if love is in the cards for me, maybe I'm meant to be alone. This is my last ditch effort." --Keltie

Wow, let me just say...I've never felt so good about myself or my love-life (or lack thereof). Really? This is your last shot at love? A competition? You're a freakin' ROCKETTE, not a 400-pound gas station attendant that can't see colors. GET A GRIP.

And then, it was finally over.