the bachelor:epi 3.

Emotions are running high already. The preview alone made me terrified to go to sleep.

CAM (Crazy Ass Michelle) woke up with a black eye. I had a black eye once. Someone elbowed me in a basketball game. People don't just wake up with black eyes. Something has to happen. Now, I'm not a doctor, so don't quote me on that.

In walks Chris Harrison. Nice cardigan.

Chantal gets the one-on-one date. Bach Brad walks in, looks at CAM and says, "What DID happen to you?" Yeah. Exactly. Brad doesn't even believe her story about the black eye.

"I wish I was the one that gave Michelle her black eye." -- Babysitter Ashley

That could probably be the name of a Facebook group.

Chantal thinks she's the luckiest gUrl in the world and I think if she played the lottery she'd lose. Bad. What's lucky about this? He's a 38-year-old with commitment problems and an attachment to his therapist.

Bach Brad wants to take Chantal to the bottom of the ocean floor. Not a great date idea if you're trying to talk to someone. Am I right?! Am. I. Right? Chantal thinks she's not going to come back up and that wouldn't be the worst thing to ever happen. I mean, not to me anyway. This show would be face some serious lawsuits.

CAM doesn't want to be on the group date for soooooooooo many reasons.

"I just have to trust. I just have to follow my heart." --Chantal

Coffee mug that shit. She's so profound. Why hasn't anybody just trusted and followed their heart before?

Brad and Chantal do something dangerously close to the nasty and Chantal says this happens because she "wants him to fall in love with me." Well, baby gUrl, there are other ways to get men to fall in love with you. Chantal gets the rose.

Michelle is crying and the Babysitter is doing her damnedest to treat her like a normal, functioning adult woman...on a reality dating show sitting on a wicker love seat.

All the "ladies" cram into a stretch limo. It's a Hummer, so I'd take a very educated guess and say it gets two miles to the gallon. Exactly.

They head over to "The Love Line" and everyone is "really happy." The gUrls are really happy to get to talk to Dr. Drew and I'm guessing some of these gUrls could have a future on "Celebrity Rehab" so, it's good for them to get acquainted. Brad has been through therapy. Wait. What?! Brad's been in therapy? OMG, Brad, I get it. You were broken, your therapist fixed you. You learned how to open up.

CAM and Emily are sitting around talking and you can tell that Emily is terrified. Like, there is serious fear in her eyes.

After cocktail hour the gUrls head into the studio. Of course, there are cocktails! Of course.

"This is VERY serious to me." --Brad

The radio show or the reality show you're on? Oh, wait...this is your REAL life. I keep forgetting.

"I want to form a very true connection...I want someone I can be myself around." --Brad

Oh, Brad, cut the bullshit. Who doesn't want that? Like, I'm sitting around going, "I want someone who kind of sucks and doesn't really understand me. I hope I'm always uncomfortable around him, too." Please.

Brad thinks taking the women to Dr. Drew was the best idea he's ever had. I'd like to debate that, because I don't believe it was his idea. And if it really was his idea-- WTF. Brad goes on for like, 12 hours about how the women are opening up to him and how he can't believe that all the "ladies" are sharing things with him. Well, Brad, you missed cocktail hour, therefore you are equating them opening up to this quasi-therapy session over the radio rather than the booze. It's always the booze. Always the booze.

Hot tub time (machine)!

The Dentist is erupting and Brad is wearing a sweatshirt while all the gUrls have bikins on. Because that's normal. Alli literally just sat down with Brad and the Babysitter came over singing "Kiss from a Rose" at the top of her lungs. Just kidding. But, she did come over and Alli wouldn't give her a hug. Where I'm from we call that: the cold shoulder.

CAM gets the one-on-one and she tells everyone to pack their bags. Again. .Chantal is digging at CAM by analyzing the words of the notecard. Good one, Chantal. Good one. Obviously it means nothing. But, I see how she did that.

The Dentist has been gettin' her drAnk on and that other gUrl has a cinnamon stick in her hair while sitting in the hot tub. The Dentist jumps out of the hot tub and interrupts Brad's own version of seven minutes in Heaven with Britt. Side note: glad he finally kissed that Britt gUrl because I couldn't remember her name.

Brad does a great job of trying to calm the Dentist down, but she's drunk and he's a "little bit frustrated." I think she tries to ask him if they can take a break, but she's forgetting that this a reality television show. You can't take a break.

"No chance in hell I'm going to give up on Ashley. No chance in hell." --Brad

If you say it twice does it make you believe it?

The giving of the rose gets a little awkward when the Dentist is making noises like a cow in labor and puts Brad "on the spot." Dude, Brad, you have to be on the spot every week. That's the deal with this show. Britt gets the rose.

The Dentist tells the gUrls she's emotionally unstable and I'm having a hard time disagreeing with her. Like, gUrl, lock it up. Brad comes over and despite CAM's distain Brad had to talk to the Dentist.

"We're going to lose something that could be really cool." --Brad

I know, right?! I lose stuff all the time.

I think CAM has convinced herself that she and Brad are an actual couple. Now the gUrls are confronting CAM and she gets crazy cat eyes. Chantal is doing most of the talking and the other gUrls are looking like gargoyles. Silence. Stone cold silence. CAM's outfit is pretty special. Usually, people wear stuff like UNDER their clothes. But, she's going with it as the actual outfit.

"I'm so excited to show you where I live." --Brad

What? You going to get out some photos? YOU DON'T LIVE IN THAT HOUSE.

So, a helicopter comes to pick up CAM and Brad and OMG, I've never seen this on this show before! So full of surprises, ABC!

CAM is a little terrified about the whole repelling off a tall building thing. I can see that...this isn't "Fear Factor," this is a dating show.

"This is definitely a leap of faith for love." --CAM

But, you aren't jumping, idiot.

CAM says so much stupid shit during these few minutes that I lost track. Something about love and being closer than ever and some bullshit about some other bullshit. Brad thinks it's a bonding experience and for those keeping a record, bonding is equivalent to connecting.

"You're a mature woman." --Brad

That made me LOL. Seriously.

CAM and Brad discuss CAM's daughter. He wants to meet her and she doesn't think that's forward of him. Personally, I think it's a little forward for the simple fact that they are still very much on a television show and like, 12 other gUrls are still around.

CAM gets the rose. They make out. I throw up.

"For me, I just have to stay focused to get through this." --CAM

Junior high basketball.

"Super aggressive, kind of weird, but whatever." -- Brown-haired gUrl that looks like the other gUrls to Chantal, about CAM

The therapist is back. Obviously. This son of a bitch Brad is just as crazy as these gUrls. If you are that attached to therapy I don't think you're ready to move on that much. Seriously...people should go to therapy to get help and then GET OUT. That's my educated opinion because I've been (SHOUT OUT).

Cocktail party!

Bach Brad is wearing pastels. Again. Surprise, surprise.

Shawntel is really nervous and then she mumbled something about getting to know each other "more." I wish these gUrls would use actual words and actual sentences when they speak to this guy. It would help me follow what's happening more.

Meghan gives a speech about walls and Brad tells her to let loose. But, she makes some really great points about the fact that THIS IS NOT REAL LIFE and gUrls are hysterically crying over nothing.

Bach Brad takes Barbie on a second mini-date and the other gUrls got an "ego check." Chantal was not prepared for that. I counted how many times she said "prepared" during that interview and it was 37. CAM says she isn't upset about this, but I don't believe her. Brad is recreating the vineyard date because he wants to check on the "connection." The other gUrls continue to sit around and talk about Barbie and Brad and not feeling special. No, trust me gUrls, you are each very, very special. Chantal starts crying.

"It is stupid!" --Chantal

She also said she felt cheap. And, I'd like to take this time to remind Chantal that she's on a television show making out with a dude in front of millions. Do you still feel cheap?

Rose ceremony (probably the most dramatic ever)!

Chris Harrison comes out and tells us how different Brad is this time around. Wait! He's done this before? I feel so cheated. AND CHEAP!

The Dentist gets the rose! The Dentist gets the rose! The Dentist gets the rose! Cue horror music! Cue angels singing! Cue children crying in the streets!

Meghan didn't get a rose and I'm guessing it's because her walls are up.

"Clearly, I probably have some of my own issues." --Meghan

Yes...but, actually, Meghan, you proved to be mostly stable.

The teacher from the Metroplex got kicked off and she cries and then says, "I think my dad is going to be so proud of me for being the daughter that he and my mom both raised me to be." That's an interesting statement because it makes me wonder what she said "no" to to come up with that theory, but then I also like it because there are not very many gUrls who can walk off of that show and say, "My parents are proud of me." And when I say, "not very many," I mean...like, two gUrls in the history of the show could walk off set and say that.

Next week looks like a barrel of fun as the whole crew heads to Vegas. I bet there is going to be some drama, some tears and if we're really lucky a guest appearance from Donny and Marie.