the bachelor: epi 7.

We start off the epi and apparently Bach Brad lost his stylist. Who let him put that hat on his head? He starts us off with a geography lesson on all the places they have visited. We then get a recap of his relationship with each gUrl. I cannot believe I have to watch this again.

ChannyChan blahblahblahed on about something and her ex-husband and I quit listening. Bach Brad says he missed Chan and then Brad wanted to know about the floor plan of her house. Brad almost started crying when Chan said, "If they don't like you, you're out."

Brad walks in Chan's house and immediately bonds with the dumbest looking dog and cat I've ever seen on television. Was that dog even real? It looks like a fake dog you can buy at Walgreen's.

"I want to be Boca's friend." --Bach Brad, on the dog

It's an effing dog, dude.

"I feel ready to move to Austin for love." --Chan

Don't forget about the water conservation meetings!

Chantal's parents live in a castle. Or something really close to a castle. I think her mom is actually Marie Osmond. Her dad could be Donny. How old are they?! 40?! They sat down to dinner and they just giggled and giggled. I thought someone may have slipped them some meth. I can't believe Chan's parents are so rich and she dresses so poorly. I guess money can't buy you class. Chan starts pooring out her heart and her dad is just a deer in the headlights with a bright purple shirt on.

Bach Brad and Chan's dad, who's wearing a pretty interesting pair of bootcut jeans, go outside to check out a really massive sculpture of a "self-made man." I'm fairly confident he either ordered that off of Amazon or Overstock.com. Then, Brad starts crying again when he bonds with ChanDad over their homeless fathers.

Did you see that wine room? Mike, the dad, must've been drinking a shit ton of wine because he gave his blessing for marriage without Bach Brad even asking for it! That wasn't even hard!

Next up: Mashksdhfkdhkgh, Maine. Seriously, what was that town name? The Dentist's heart is really warmed by just being in her hometown.

The Dentist worked at a bar...in high school? I think that's illegal. Brad says he could live in Mashksdhfkdhkgh, but I don't think he realizes that the Dentist lives in Philly. Not Mashksdhfkdhkgh.

Brad orders up some cheese fries and gravy and I've never wanted to throw-up so bad in my life after watching them feed each other cheese fries AND gravy. I just wish they would have gotten the ladle out.

"We're in Maine!" --The Dentist

I was in the Geography Bee in 7th grade and I'm still learning something new on this show every week.

Uh-oh. The Dentist is only on her way to falling in love...the other gUrls dropped that bomb shows ago...she's so far behind.

The Dentist walks into her home and screams at the top of her lungs and then form tackles almost everyone in the living room. The whole family cuddles up to Brad as he tells the story of how they met. You know what's funny? The story of how they met isn't much of a story as much as it is a scripted television show.

This family likes to laugh. I like that, but the random screaming is continuing to throw me off. And Chrystie? Oh, Chrystie. She must have more tattoos than the rest of the state of Maine combined.

Bach Brad sits down with the guy in the yellow plaid shirt. I don't know who he is. I must have missed the bar that told me his name. I thought her dad was homeless and Canadian. I'm guessing step dad. Her family is much more skeptical than Chan's...hello, normal family! Thank you for recognizing this is a show.

Chrystie says the time is NOW. NOW. It's perfect.

Mom and Dentist go and cuddle up on a hotel bed? Where are they?

I want a puff of whatever those people are smoking. I mean, the energy level in that family is insane. They must consume five-hour energy drinks by the gallon.

And we're off to the funeral home and cemetery! I mean, this gUrl really knows how to woo a man, right?!

"Death has been a big part of my life since I was a little gUrl." --Shawntel

Oh...ok...

When Brad walks into the mausoleum and goes into kiss Shawn he's just staring all around. He looks straight-up creeped out. Ok, now I am creeped out. Did you really just turn on the fire to the cremation station?

Shawn convinces Brad to lie down on the embalming table and she's convinced that he's comfortable. Which makes her an idiot. Who would be comfortable doing that?! Brad admits that he doesn't deal with death well. I think Shawn is upset. But, gUrl, death is hard. That doesn't mean people are scared or creeped out, it means they are sad!

We go and meet Shawn's family and she's obviously adopted because everyone is blonde. Oh, your sister's name is Destiny? I don't have enough space on the internetS to share my thoughts on that.

Is Brad ano? He has a piece of meat and two tiny baby pieces of something green on his plate.

It's not awesome the way Shawn's dad talks in the third person. And OMG. He is upset when Shawn even mentions the city of Austin. He's probably heard how weird it is (ZING!). Uh-oh, Dad starts laying on the guilt trip and tells Shawn that the WHOLE ENTIRE COMMUNITY would be affected by her move to Austin. Really, dad? The whole town? I'd like to believe that the whole town of Russellvillle, Arkansas is still reeling from my departure nine years ago, but, you know what? They aren't.

Cool creepy drawing of your daughters there, Dad. PSYCH.

Plot twist! Daddy Bear gives a marriage blessing before Bach Brad even asks! What is this?! What is wrong with these men? Make this son of a bitch do work!

We make our way down south and meet up with Barbie Emily and her daughter...Little Ricki...oh, don't. get. me. started.

Brad shows up with a big ass box. He knows the way to a kid's heart-- STUFF.

Lil' Ricki is being a bit of a "pill," as my mother used to say. Good thing she's cute. But, of course, she takes the present. Oh, a butterfly kite! How great...I mean, it is windy out, Bach!

First Emily is calling Brad her "friend"and then she starts calling him "Mr. Brad." Talk about confusion. She should just be up front with the kid. "Hey kid, mama's been lonely and sad. And mama needs to move on with her life, so I made the really terrible, yet great, decision to let my love-life unfold on television and now I'm subjecting you to this, BUT, he did bring you this kite, so can you please suck it up for Mama? Ok, lock it up, gUrl!"

Let's be honest, Lil' Ricki doesn't need that ole dumb ass kite. Check out that playroom. She has a giant stuffed horse! And a house! And a computer!

Emily lets Brad tell Lil' Ricki goodnight and it's just precious, minus the fact that this small child who's father died before she was even born is being subjected to this trashy television show.

Emily starts being a little affectionate. Mama Bear feels at home, Brad! Get some of that! OH, burn! He ain't gonna do it. And she couldn't look more upset.

"If this works out, she'll always be upstairs sleeping." --Barbie Mom

Zing! If that's not an invitation, I don't know what is.

Brad leaves and everyone is weird. To make it weirder he says, "I don't want to leave weird." Well, quit being an asshole. OMG. Way to go, Barbie! Look at that! I'm so proud of her.

Chris steps in as therapist again for the week and I just have to say-- he's not doing anybody any favors by wearing that cardigan under his suit. Chris, you have to be rolling in cash by now. This is the 15th season of this show. Please consult someone before going on camera with your outfit choices.

Chris is a terrible therapist! He's just re-capping the show I just watched for two hours. Hello, I just saw this and I don't want to puke any less now than I did the first time I watched it.

Chris goes in to brief the ladies on what is going to happen...do they really not know? Chan, what is your hair?! Are you going to prom?

OMG.

There are three roses and FOUR "ladies."

Talk about drama!

The final rose comes down to Shawn and Chan and let's be honest, it was time for one of them to go. They have the same name it's just spelled completely different. No one is shocked by his decision to send Deathly Hallows gUrl home. She has a business to inherit. And I mean, I'm all about enjoying your job and being passionate about it, but you don't have to force it on people, gUrl.

Brad wants to give Shawn his jacket and like a strong, independent woman (SHOUT OUT DESTINY'S CHILD) she says, "NO." Love that. Take your jacket and your rose and shove it, Brad. Also, Get your hand off my knee.

The Dentist, in a moment of clarity says, "That's going to be one of us next week." OMG. Someone finally gets the premise of the show!

Shawn is upset. She cries. She says she didn't see it coming.

"I've never been treated like that in a relationship." --Shawn

Oh, you've never gone on a helicopter on a second date before? One word: TELEVISION.

Again, Brad ends the show with a geography lesson. I'm beginning to think he's working on his GED or something and this is his way to study for geography tests by always talking about the "amazing" places he's visited.

This epi was kind of lame. I think it's because CAM is off working on a Lifetime movie somewhere and none of the gUrls were able to interact with each other. I don't have to say it, but this week did not live up to the tagline, "Most dramatic episode ever."