the bachelor: epi 8.

OMG. South Africa, y'all.

Brad can tie his shoes and that's more reassuring than most people can probably comprehend. He can't breathe without consulting a therapist, so watching him tie shoes on his own, is HUGE. During his shoe tying, he takes us through the gamut of emotions he's feeling and we discover that, more than anything, Bach Brad "does NOT want to be that guy again." You know what? I don't want him to be either. I can't handle a third season of him and his baggage.

I'm super excited that during the "connection" montage they showed Chantal's flight attendant scarf and the white shirt moment-- easily her two finest moments this season.

And, then he described being with the Dentist as "magic." Or drug induced. Can't tell.

We can't forget Barbie, who makes Brad a "much better self." What. That's not a question. That's: WHAT.

Finally Brad gets to the Lion Sands (who named it that?) Resort and Brad's confident he isn't going to end up alone. And what's so ironic about that is that the brilliant ABC producers made him go on a safari all alone, while he did a voice over about South Africa being dangerous. (Also: I have a very strong feeling that in less than a year he will be alone.)

If I have ever seen anyone on network television look as dumb as Brad does in his safari hat and old man sandals, then I have definitely blocked it out of my mind. So, Channy and Bach Brad go on a safari and saw a lion and basically shit their pants. And then saw a weird, but gorgeous, giraffe. (Side note: That "he" lion that they kept calling "big" was totally a gUrl lion. Have they not ever seen Lion King?)

The Bach and Channy pop a squat in the "bush," as Brad INSISTS on calling it and have a little picnic. Brad thinks this picnic is a "test" for their relationship and I can't even begin to explain his rationale behind that. Channy feels safe with Brad even though they are surrounded by lions and hippos and newsflash, baby gUrl, Brad ain't gonna be able to protect shit from a lion. A lion?! That thing would tear you apart. Come on.

They start their conversation over dinner discussing EVERYTHING (sarcasm) from comfort to engagement to marriage...OMG... and Channy tells Brad that if she's getting engaged she might as well get married right there (I must admit, I share her sentiments on that, BUT...not when I've known somebody for such a short period of time and I'm on a friggin' television show.)

Oh, shit, they are going to get married in South Africa. Oh. Shit. If he proposes, that's the surprise twist this season! They'll just get married there! Oh, Lawd! Oh, Lawd!

The fantasy suite is a "tree house" in the middle of South Africa. Where's the bathroom? Seriously. Where's the bathroom?

"You're a special person." --Channy, to Brad

That's usually not a compliment.

Emily and Bach Brad meet up and Emily has two, maybe three, buttons buttoned on her shirt. Brad has on sweat pant shorts, which is better than his previous outfit, so I'll just go with it.

"It's possible a lion could come eat me." --Emily

She makes a very valid point.

Instead of a helicopter, Brad shows up on a (there's no other way to say it) MOTHER EFFING elephant. It's not exactly a white horse, but it'll work. And seriously, Brad just looks giddy. Like, seriously. It's actually kind of cute. The elephant plops down for Barbie to get on and Brad just says, "come on." Like, he just pulled up in a convertible or something and is all, "get in." except it's an elephant!

Brad tells her he misses Lil Ricki' and, where that's sweet, it's also weird. I can understand that maybe he would enjoy spending more time with her or something, but he misses her? Really? I'm calling his bluff on that one.

"Are you ready for a five-year-old?" --Barbie, to Bach

"Yep, yep..."

Oh, well, aren't we all ready for that? Sign me up, too!

Brad is so weird around Emily. It's painful to watch. At first it was sweet, now it's painful. Like, dude, she's a real person. Just get your shit together already. Emily says, "you know" over dinner at least 112 times. At least. By the end of the dinner, I'm confident in saying that, no, I don't know.

The Barbie totally fakes us out by pretending that, as a mother, she cannot accept the fantasy date card. She does say she wants to "stay up talking all night" though...I'd really like some confirmation on that one. Like, did he braid her hair? (And, OMG, did we see his face when she actually said yes to the fantasy suite? I really thought he was going to explode right there.)

They get back to the suite and Emily, in all her sequin skirt glory, tells Brad that she IS falling love with him. I thought he was going to start crying right there. I do hope they eventually moved off that tiny and terrible wicker love seat though-- even if they were just staying up to talk all night.

We finally meet up with the Dentist, BUT, not before the Bach takes us on yet another geography lesson. Listen up! It's a LONG way from Miasdkfjhsdkh, Maine to South Africa. Well, no shit Sherlock!

Who let the Dentist wear those shorts? It's like she went to Abercrombie & Fitch right before she left.

Oh, good! A helicopter! I was worried we'd go two episodes in a row WITHOUT a helicopter. The dentist says this is her number one fear ever and I just don't understand that...Most fears are fears we are probably faced with on a regular basis. How often are you given the opportunity to ride in a helicopter, little lady? That's just not a rational number one fear.

(Really LOVED the Bach's voice over during the helicopter ride about how pretty South Africa is, "You know, I had no idea how beautiful South Africa is. I really didn't. It's a very beautiful land filled with some very exotic wild animals." Can't you just see that as a photo caption? BAH!)

Three dates, three picnics.

Cheers to the Dentist's family! Brad brings up the tough questions real quick. Of course, it's a geography question, but...he does need to know where she wants to live. She does not mention Austin. She does mention Southern Maine. Which, obviously, who doesn't think about Southern Maine when picking a place to live?

Brad spent his 20s working in a bar, but he did enjoy those years and you better not think otherwise!

The tough topics keep on coming during dinner! And this makes for some great television.

I honestly don't think that the Dentist has even thought about having to move, if she's chosen, at the end of this. Seriously. It's like, they connected one time over their homeless dads and then just giggled the rest of the time or something. Now, she's saying she'd be happy to move to Austin. And then, it just got awkward. Just awkward.

You could tell half way through the date it hit her, it was like she really did think to herself, "Oh, crap...the tv show ends...what if I have to move? Do they have dental offices in Texas? OMG...The carnival is over." You know what? Her carnival is over. Especially when she said, "I feel like you're just looking for a wife and someone who just fits into your plans." ZING! Busted.

"I don't want to throw you off." --Bach Brad

Ouchies! Don't you just usually phrase it around not getting a rose? And now we're calling it "being thrown off?" Oopsies.

She still accepts the fantasy date and sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo awkward. I just really hope she didn't give it up. Not after this. Not. after. this.

Brad meets up with his fill-in therapist, Chris, and Brad assures us this situation does not compare to his former stint on the show at all. Side note: Is Chris Harrison's wedding ring a band with a heart on it?

"I feel like I've known Emily for a decade." --Bach

So, you met when she was 14 and you were 28.

That's illegal.

I think we all saw this coming: Brad doesn't even go through the rose ceremony. And you know what? I applaud him on that move. He knew. She knew. We knew. So obvious.

Their talk was sad. I really don't think the Dentist even thought for a second what she should do if she was chosen. I think she just thought it would work and they would figure it out. But, helllllllllo, he's 38 and you have to move to Austin.

"What's wrong with you?" --Bach, to the Dentist

What the hell do you think is wrong, asshole?

The hug Brad gave her as she got into the car was a little much for me. The kiss on the head? Really? Really?

The Dentist is upset that she couldn't fake a smile and say goodbye to the Bach. I think it's interesting that that's her first thought. She held herself together pretty well-- didn't really get too crazy, which is pretty surprising. I would've pegged her for a psycho upon leaving.

The other gUrls are acting all shocked that Brad is walking back alone. Oh, come on, they were gone for like, 2 hours. You aren't surprised, you're relieved.

Brad isn't looking for four years or 15 years. He's looking for a lifetime. And I ain't talking about the television network.

The "ladies" accept their roses and yet again, the episode fails to deliver on the promise of "most dramatic episode ever." It wasn't even in the top 10 of dramatic. Pretty high on the awkward list though. Like, real high.