I am just barely into my 28th year of life and I
am single.
That’s not a rare statement, a sad statement or a statement
that makes me all that unique. But, throw that statement around in the South in
a community of predominantly Christian people and it becomes rare, sad and
unique.
All at once your eyes meet those of someone else who might
be married (let’s be honest, it’s likely they are) and you can see the wheels
turning. You can tell they are sad, confused… weirded out, even. But, why? I
didn’t say, “I’m 28, single AND I’ve
never known love. I have no family, no friends. All of my food comes frozen in
a box and my television is always on Lifetime.”
So, why? Why the horror?
Lately, I’ve noticed that when I meet new people the first
thing they ask me is not what I do for a living or where I am from or went to
school, but, “are you married?” As if the answer to that question is going to
give them any insight into my personality or soul. As if the answer to that
question defines who I am as a person or can explain to them why I think I am
even on this Earth in the first place.
I’ve never met anyone who’s said, “Hey! I’m married!” and
thought now, this is a gUrl I want to be
friends with! That statement tells me one thing and one thing only: you
have found a person who has committed their life to you. I guess I could infer
that you probably spend most of your evenings with that person and that your
holiday schedules often produce stressful situations, where mine typically do
not. My holiday time is split between the dinner table and the couch/a marathon
of some crime show like Law & Order
or Criminal Minds, which actually can
be somewhat stressful, so there’s that.
I guess I just don’t understand why people ask that question
before any other question. I would like to think that the question-asker saw
me, thought DAY-UM, my son/brother/cousin/co-worker would love
her, I must find out if she’s married, but I’m afraid that’s never the
case. People just ask the question and look at me as if I told them the saddest
story they have ever heard or like we suddenly have nothing to talk about.
Here’s some breaking news: being single and 28-years-old is
not the saddest story ever. I mean, it’s
not the most thrilling story ever, either, but it works.
I lead a happy, joyful life. I have friends—some of them are
even married. I have a job that I enjoy. I pay my own bills. I do my own taxes.
I take my car in for routine maintenance.
I do all of these things on my own and they have never once caused me to
think I am worthless or sad. I mean, I have definitely thought my husband is so going to take over
vacuuming out this car. And I’ve
even thought I so cannot wait for someone
else to cook the bacon on a Saturday morning. But, that’s about it.
Maybe I am unique
because when I went to college I went with the intention of getting an
education and graduating. I graduated without a ring on my finger. I
accomplished one goal, so I moved on to another: get a job; get off The Reg’s
bankroll. I did that without a ring on my finger, so I set other goals. This
pattern has continued. Is it that weird
that a goal of mine isn’t marriage?
Is it weird that to me marriage is something I hope for and pray for, but not something I’ve ever had on a to-do
list? Is it weird that with each year that passes I continue to set other goals
for myself and continue to live what I consider to be a normal, fulfilling
life? Maybe that is sad to some people?
I think it should be noted that when I answer your marriage
question with a strong, “no” that’s not the time to say, “Well, why not?”
People! Come on! I am not in charge of this thing. If it were up to me I
would’ve married a former youth minister turned millionaire at least two years
ago.
[An aside: I also love when the marriage question is
followed by the dating question and it gets real awkward real fast, so I always
say, “Well, there was this boy…” when in reality there was a boy, like two years ago. Or in actuality I
have a crush on some boy’s Facebook profile, so I just pretend there was this boy in order to make the
person think I’m normal.]
Let’s also get out there that I love married people. I love
people who long to get married and aren’t married. I love that people got
married at 19. I am not a hater of the covenant between two people committed to
splitting the cooking and doing the dishes.
I’m just a hater of the people who refuse to believe that
life can be lived and people can be happy without someone around to help fold
the towels.
This isn’t a cry for help. It’s more of a plea for a person
to quit looking at me like being single is a choice and marriage is a right.
It’s not and it’s not.
Reaching out: If you think you may be one of those people
who do this, I’m here to help.
You can talk to single people about ALL kinds of different
things. You can ask where they grew up, where they live, etc.; you can
compliment them on their hair or outfit and follow that up by asking them where
they bought the outfit or where they get their hair cut. If you live in Dallas
you can almost always say, “How about them Cowboys?” Depending on the week and
the previous game, you need to ask the question with excitement or by rolling
your eyes.
Other topics that are always transferable between singles
and marrieds: puppies, baking, wine, coffee, traffic, Apple products, shoes,
airport security, books, the Kardashians, YouTube videos, the Today Show, good
restaurants and birthdays.
