the bachelor :: sean : final rose.

The lead-in for this epi is being called an "event."  AN EVENT.
Things that are events: The Final Four, an opening at an art gallery, NASCAR, graduation

Things that are 3 hours long: a car ride to Austin, a wedding reception, a Sunday afternoon nap
Things that should not be 3 hours long: THIS.

Chrissy Poo just called this an "historic" event.
HISTORIC?

Things that are historic: elections, filibusters, non-elective surgeries that save a life, game-winning shots, something that's never happened before EVER

Not historic: THIS.

-----

We make it to Thailand and a shit ton of doves fly out of a tree and Sean walks behind an elephant while calling the country, "the most beautiful country I've ever seen." This guy can't make up his mind.

EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL.
(Which, I guess is better than him looking out over the landscape and saying, "This place is kind of shitty and smells like sad should smell.")

Sean is SO READY for his family to arrive. How did those kids make it on that long of a flight? NOT A 3-HOUR FLIGHT.

Sean's nephew got the visit started off in a real sweet way by screaming, "Emily didn't pick you!" and we all laughed. HOW SILLY.

Sean then described CathyCat and himself as "weird and funny" and that's why it works. What's so weird and funny about him? He's the least weird and funny human to ever be on television this much.

CathyCat arrives and she's a ball of nerves. She's gotta make a good first impression, so she wore her best bathing suit cover-up.

Sean's niece went straight for the hug. Bold.

They sat down for dinner and toasted with water. Which, I think means something bad. CathyCat reveals that she played football in 6th grade and suffered a broken arm.

The most surprising thing she's learned is that, she "never knew she wanted to be with someone like Sean." SOMEONE LIKE SEAN.

Meaning, what?! A half-way decent human? White? Someone super silly and weird?

Sean's mom pulls Cathy aside and asked zero hard questions. She totally froze up! She even told her she'd be a great addition to the family.

BORED.

Daddy Jay (DJ) sat her down and asked if she "believed in the Bachelor process?" That's a thing? It's not a thing.

CathyCat said that Sean is "so good" that she's consumed by him. I don't even know what that means.

"I'm excited to have a best friend for love." -- CathyCat
I guess this is a thing!

DJ's speech to Cathy was real sweet. In a real way. But, then he said his son-in-law was his best friend, so does that mean that Sean's mom isn't his best friend? I thought we only married BFFs around here?????????????????????????

Cathy's face during the whole thing was pretty priceless. And also sad. You could tell she's never had positive affirmation like that from a male before.

These two are going to get Starbucks so hard together! Bass Pro Shop in Grapevine better watch out! Best friends coming through!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I can see us on a Saturday afternoon eating lunch, the six of us together." -- Sean
I counted eight people.
: (
No kids allowed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Although I see Catherine as my wife, I equally see Lindsay as my wife, as well." -- Sean
(GRAMMAR, AS WELL, BE DAMNED, EQUALLY, TOO.)
BEST FRIENDS ONLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only six people at that lunch!
Not seven!
And definitely not nine!

-----

It's time for Lindsay's arrival to the family (NOT fantasy) suite.

There's a lot of plaid going on. Plaid shirts, plaid shorts, PLAID.

We are 18 minutes in and on day 2 of this shit show and Sean has not worn his coral shorts yet. : (

Lindsay's a little nervous and a little dressed up. She brought two gifts.
Niece went straight for the hug. Again.
gUrl just gives those hugs away. It's not even hard to get a hug from her.

"There's not any monkeys in Missouri, huh?" --DJ
"Just me!" --Lindsay
Gigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegigglegiggle.
What a silly answer!

gUrl, you just called yourself a monkey.
: (

Mom and Sister break the news that they know Lindsay showed up the first night in a wedding dress. Which, they said they liked... but, no that can't be true, because CRAZY.

Also, is she drunk? And I don't mean drunk on love.

DJ, who is totally owning that hot pink under shirt, pulls Lindsay aside and exclaims by lowering his voice, "I got some questions for you!" But, he lets her sit where ever she wants. Meaning, the chair on the left or the right. What a sweet man!

DJ, again, goes for the, "how do you that you're truly in love with someone BEFORE you marry them" question.

"I want to hang out with him for the rest of my life." -- Lindsay
Oh. 

Then, her next answer had the word "prayer" in it. So, she wins.

DJ tells Lindsay that he's been praying for her (or Sean's future wife) since the day Sean was born. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

TWIST!
Lindsay asked DJ for Sean's hand in marriage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is that not like, THE SILLIEST?!

"Oh my! Now, what do we do?" -- DJ, on Sean's predicament
My best idea is to change the channel!

Sean's mom wants him to end up with someone who has the same values as him: Crossfit/Paleo.

Lindsay starts crying. Mom is NOT crying. She just ushers her out of the conversation.

"I'm glad my family got to see just how much she loves me." --Sean
Translation: she's obsessed with me and I'm super into that and I'm glad my family saw it.

"Bye, baby." -- Lindsay
No. Nope. No. 

Then, for the 87th time in 26 minutes, Sean says he could marry either one of them and be happy forever. He wants his family to help him decide.

SHAKES HIS HEAD.

-----

Sean sits down with his fam and he just wants some clarity.

"It's a win-win!" -- DJ
Dad, there is such a thing as being TOO encouraging. 
This would be it. 

Mom is having a tough time with all of this. She's clearly the level-headed person around here. Dad acts on emotions, Mom sees through the bullshit! I have a feeling she's not as into holding hands as Sean wants us to believe.

Sean's just walking around Thailand without any shoes. Dangerous.

His heart is on the line and now he's going to get tetanus IN THAILAND.
If there's anywhere I don't want to go to hospital, it's in Thailand (and Mexico, and Africa and really, anywhere outside of a nice metropolitan area in the United States).

Mom's crying. Sean's trying to get her not to stress.
Blahblahblahblahblah.

Sean's like, SO MAD, that his family couldn't help him make this decision.
He heads out to the porch to check out the scenery and think about his situation.

HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S GOING TO DO.

-----

Final date time!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean packed his frat tank!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Don't love it paired with those shorts. Well, don't love it in general. But, yeah.

Lindsay went pretty next level with her outfit, too.
Pretty sure she got both pieces at the local Thai TJ Maxx.
She's a Maxxinista!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last place in the world I'd want to go to a TJ Maxx: Thailand (and, honestly, anywhere in Oklahoma).

So, the two of them are taking a scenic cruise down the world's scariest/dirtiest river, while drinking champagne. This ain't the Mississippi Queen, y'all. I feel like they should be bathing in hand sanitizer right now. They could easily be in Louisiana. I don't know. How am I supposed to know?

What if that boat broke? It does NOT look reliable.

Things that are not reliable: that boat, babies, dogs

"I really do feel like he's my best friend!!!!!!!!!!" -- Lindsay
Would all of these gUrls be so obsessed with the BFF thing if he wasn't? 
I say no. 
And, that's a FIRM no. 

Could you ever take a guy seriously dressed like this?

"I can picture you being a hot old chick." -- Sean
OH. 
Swoon. 
NO. 

Then, she mumbled, "Iloveyou."

BABY VOICE.
KILL ME.

Alone time at the Hilton!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Baby gUrl busted out some wine and some chips and salsa.
Kidding, no chips and salsa. That's a dream world and this is television.

They say "thank you" to each other and then make out.

Then, somethingsomethingREMEMBERTHATsomethingIREMEMBERTHAT.

"His kisses just tell me it all...that's why we're always kissing." -- Lindsay
: (

Lindsay has something special for SeanBoy.
It's a trash sack!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh. No, it's those stupid ass lanterns.
Come on, Bachelor.
SEEN IT.

Fast forward.
BORED.

Oh, they need three things in their relationship to last forever: family, love, happiness
: (

Respectfully, I disagree.

WHAT ABOUT CONFLICT RESOLUTION?
WHAT ABOUT A JOINT-CHECKING ACCOUNT?
WHAT ABOUT gUrl TIME?
WHAT ABOUT A KING-SIZE BED?
WHAT ABOUT CLEAR COMMUNICATION ABOUT YOUR HOLIDAY PLANS WITH BOTH FAMILIES?
WHAT ABOUT NOT SHARING A FACEBOOK ACCOUNT?
WHAT ABOUT SHARING THE SAME FAITH?
WHAT ABOUT NOT WEARING TANK TOPS?

(Granted, I'm not married, so I don't actually know. But, I know married people.)

-----

Sean woke up the next morning a little stressed out.
You know what stresses me out?

THOSE SHORTS.

Where in Dallas does one even buy those?
Gosh, I hope he got them on the internetS.
I don't need to see those around town anytime soon.

CathyCat rolls up and she, too, hit up the local TJ Maxx.

"I got to touch an elephant yesterday." -- CathyCat
Not something you hear every day. Or every year. 

Instead of a helicopter, they take an elephant to their next destination.
Kind of cool, but also, helicopters are cool.

"It's the most scenic view I've ever seen in my life." -- Sean
You can tell this guy is from Dallas and went to school in Kansas. 

Cuddle time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Honestly, if I just sat on an elephant for that long, I'd just want to take a shower.

Cathy got dem hoopz on!!!!!!!!!

"You're never going to forget this." -- Sean
Well, how do you know that, Sean?
Sometimes, people forget!!!!!!!!!

Cathy HAS to tell Sean how she feels.
So, she invites him over to the Hilton for some cuddle-buggin'.

Cathy has kept it on lock all season. She's not playing it safe, she's keeping her game tight. But, tonight's the night.

If you want to get a vague description of a situation just talk to this gUrl.
Damn.

Cathy wants, desperately, to be emotional all the time.
SAY HUH.

She's nervous. There's so much on the line. They've grown so much together. They are comfortable being themselves. She's so comfortable. His family blew her mind.

GAH. She might as well send a text. She hasn't said anything.

"I feel a lot." -- Cathy
You feel a lot... of...what?

"I know who you are." -- SeanBoy
Well, that's reassuring!

I'm still not 100-percent sure that she said anything of any subsistence.

"I never thought I'd be in this situation." --Sean
Oh. Really? 
AGAIN. 
Someone explain this show to these people. 

Cathy thinks all of her relationships have failed in the past because she has said, "I love you" first.
: (

Sean grabs her ass as they are hugging goodbye and she whispers, "Sean, I love you."
WHAT AN HISTORIC MOMENT.
(zing!)

"This is pain. This is painful." -- Cathy
NAILED IT. 

Cathy is crying and she chases SeanBoy down the hallway (outside sidewalk?). All Sean says is, "what's the matter? You had fun today, right?" Talk about reassuring!

Cathy is so frustrated. She can't handle it. She needs more.

TELEVISION SHOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Put it back on lock, gUrl.
I can't even handle you right now.
Reel all of this shit in.

She cries herself to sleep.
Kind of like me, after watching this.

-----

Sean takes a shower and then puts some lotion on.
HE USES A BEACH TOWEL TO DRY OFF.
Seriously. Largest towel ever.
It's like he went to one of those Wings stores by the beach and got the largest white towel they had in stock. Maybe it's a blanket.

Sean takes his freshly-showered self to the balcony to recap the gUrls and think about his upcoming decision.

Sean finally puts some clothes on and NEIL LANE SHOWS UP.
Guys, Neil Lane used to be somebody.

Sean picks out a ring.
Takes his shirt off again.
Puts another shirt on.

Sean feels like he's never felt before.
He's about to dedicate his life to "this wonderful woman."

TEARS.
TEARS.

Who buys this guy's ties?
: (

Lindsay went to the local Thai Burlington Coat Factory and bought a prom dress.

She cannot believe this has happened.
It's what she's always wanted.
Her whole life is going to change.

Cathy can't wrap her head around today.
It's scary.
She wants to be excited, but it's very overwhelming.

THE EMOTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean is so ready for this moment.

"I feel like this has been the most magical journey of my life." -- Cathy
Clearly, she's never been to Magic Kingdom at DisneyWorld!!!!!!!!

Sean takes his spot next to 27 GIGANTIC vases on a mini dock overlooking a Koi pond.
Classic Bachelor proposal spot.

-----

SORRY.
SKIPPED THE AUDIENCE BS.
BECAUSE LIFE AND OTHER RESPONSIBILITIES.

-----

PROPOSAL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean didn't know it would be this tough to say goodbye.

Here comes that Mitsubishi, boy!!!!!!!
Better stop crying and get your shit together.

Lindsay is first.
: (

FOOT TATTOO LIKE WHAT.
Like, what the hell kind of Saturday night was she having for that to happen?

"Hi, tattoo artist, I'd like the largest gothic anchor you can fit onto my foot."
"Are you a sailor?"
"A sailor?! Do I look like Huckleberry Finn, sir?!"
"Ok, but you know this is forever, right?"

We all know what's coming down the pipe for her, don't we?

"Come on in." -- Chris
IT'S A FIELD WITH A POND.

This journey has made Lindsay a strong, independent, secure woman.
I don't agree. That's the exact opposite of what this "process" does to people.

Sean starts off with, "you have been such a surprise."
Translation: you scared the shit out of me on the first night, but then I really liked making out with you, so I was like, WHAT OK.

THEY ARE BREATHING SO HARD.

"I want to give you my heart so bad, but my heart's beating somewhere else." -- Sean
Wait. SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN YOUR CHEST CAVITY?
Sounds like a medical condition!

Lindsay immediately let go of Sean's hands.

SO MUCH BREATHING BEING PICKED UP BY THE MICS.

"I love you. That's the hardest part. I love you. I know I do." -- Sean
INAPPROPRIATE. 

"Was it me?" -- Lindsay
"I promise, it's not you." 
Um, baby gUrl, it's you. It's very clearly, YOU. 

"Well, I'm going to go." -- Lindsay
ZING!

Hugs.
HEELS COME OFF.
gUrl is DONE.

More awkward hugs.

gUrl is MAD.
MAD.

I've been dumped before. It's not fun.
But, I can't imagine being dumped in a prom dress.
As an adult.

That's about as low as it gets.

TEARS IN THE LIMO.

"I have felt this feeling 100 times. I feel like an idiot." -- Lindsay
She thought she was going to get proposed to 100 times?!
Dream life. 

"This is like, really sad." -- Lindsay
"In like, a sick and twisted way, I'm happy for them."
"I don't want to be alone."
It's all too much.

-----

Chris drops the letter off with SeanBoy.
COMMERCIAL BREAK.

The Producers are really going for an Emmy this season.
Sean starts to read the letter, THEN WE HEAR CATHY'S VOICE, TOO.

"You were deeply attractive." -- Cathy
I need an actual definition for that one. 

HERE SHE COMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"All I want to do is move to Dallas..." -- Cathy
I said the same thing in 2006, baby gUrl. This place will suck you in AND TAKE YOUR SOUL. 
There's really no going back. 

Cathy is scared. Life is changing.
Blahblahblahblah.

"I don't want to say goodbye anymore. Catherine, I want to spend the rest of my life telling you 'I love you.'" -- SeanBoy
DROPS TO ONE KNEE. 

CATHY'S FACE.
I can't even.
Like.
This is a family blog.

HUGS.
Kisses.

Violin solo, piano in the background.
Heavy breathing.
Whispering.

"You look so handsome, you look so handsome." -- Cathy

IS THAT A HARP?
I THINK I HEARD A HARP.

CATHY GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY MY BEST FRIEND." -- Cathy
Best friend thatz a boy, right?
Or like, overall best friend?

They legitimately got on an elephant and rode off into the sunset.
And thatz that.

------

So, that took forever.