the bachelorette: good hair and the river of tears.

First up, Chris Harrison lets everyone know that this season, he's taking it down a notch. When meeting with the dudes to inform them of the first one-on-one date he's dressed in an ugly, but casual sweater.

Ashley comes to pick up Ben and he has no idea that she's been working with Flash Mob America. Zing! Is it just me or does her car look giant when they do that shot of her driving inside the car? Like. Seriously.

Ben takes one for the team and starts doing the dance for the Dentist. He's not terrible and he's even better when the mob comes in and the music starts. And you know what the Dentist says about good dancers...they have big feet.

Question mark.

Question mark.

Where do they find people to participate in these flash mobs? If you know: please give them my name and number.

I think the Dentist would straddle ANYTHING. A baby, a dinosaur. A picture of a baby on a dinosaur. ANYTHING.

The Dentist tells Ben she has "one more surprise" and all Ben says is, "what is that?" when looking at the Far East Movement. But, then he really got into it. You can tell this guy has been to more than one concert with a lady friend. He had the dance-behind-her-and-grind-while-protecting-from-the-crowd move down pat.

Ben really lets his hair down with the Dentist. He lets her in on his plan to live in a bubble with his lover. And. Of course, she eats that shit up.

I think he had something in his teeth the whole dinner. At least that's what he was acting like.

Before the group date the Masked Marauder pulls the Dentist aside and reveals his face. No scars, no missing features...just a normal looking dude with a slightly over-sized nose. That's it. It was such a colossal let down. Props to her for keeping a straight face though.

Now, on to the roast! Oh, what I would have given to have been on this date! William wastes no time letting us in on his plan to become a stand-up comedian, using this as his big break.

The Masked Marauder lets us know that behind the mask, besides a completely normal looking face, is also some "gutsy humor."

"Oh, I'm going to be real." --William

Oh, ABC and their foreshadowing!

"I'm looking forward to EVERYTHING about this date." --Dentist

Again.

Foreshadowing.

Poor Ryan. He tried really hard. Crickets. Maybe it was his velour jacket.

Blake's roast of the panel was obviously the best. But, he does look like he's in a boy band.

MM really opened up the door to roast the Dentist. Or opened up the door to talk about her breasts.

"Congrats on being the third runner-up last season." --Ben F.

My favorite.

What if you were one of the people who paid to come to this roast? Like, you just heard there was a roast and bought some tickets and then got that? Maybe it was free?

Oh, poor, poor William...first off, you can't laugh at your own jokes. I like that one guy yelled out, "too soon!"

"This was a roast, it wasn't compliment Ashley night." --William

I don't think it was actually a roast.

Courtney Love is at almost every roast Comedy Central has. I did not see Courtney Love there. Therefore, NOT a roast.

The Dentist goes off to the corner and cries and cries and cries and we finally get to Bentley.

"I just feel like I let y'all down because it's me here and not Emily." --Dentist

Well, kind of.

"Your body, your face is beautiful. You're the best dance in the world. You've got everything." --Bentley

Good logic.

At this point, Chris Harrison should've stepped in and talked some sense into her. What the hell is that guy doing all episode?

The Dentist addressed the dudes and Ryan said it made a sad situation devastating. Clearly, he knows about devastation.

William wants to make people laugh every single day.

And he wants to sell cellular phones every single day.

Young William starts crying and decides to leave. He said "honestly" 14 times. So, he was really leaving. And he did walk off and walk up and down Melrose, up and down. He sat on a bench next to a cell phone store. What great placement of that bench, ABC! And then. Then, he started running!

"I have a dog." --MM

Dude. Come on.

Ryan and his velour jacket step in to comfort the Dentist. He convinces her that he loves her and in her vulnerability gets a kiss. He's not an idiot.

I think she should've just drank some more of that white wine and called it a night.

Bentley pulls her aside and it's almost creepy how "caring" he is. He must've made all kinds of bets with his boyZ at home on what he would and wouldn't say to this gUrl.

The Dentist tells Bentley about the text messages from CAM (Crazy Ass Michelle). I have yet to figure out what his "business" is, so her texts aren't proving to be true. Unless his business has anything to do with douche bags or feminine hygiene. If that's the case, the subliminal messages are INSANELY good.

"Can you trust in this?" --Dentist

Trust in what? This terrible show format? Her dental training? TRUST. IN. WHAT.

Ryan, or Mr. Sunshine, got the rose on the date. After all, the only thing stronger than love and the sun is this show's ability to draw suckers in to thinking they've found a love stronger than the sun.

Bentley informs us of his diabolical plan to make the Dentist cry, while keeping his hair in tact.

The Dentist spends the morning walking back and forth by her pool.

I'm not sure what to say about this guy. Clearly, it's all fake. Like, Spencer Pratt fake. Like, obviously fake.

"These tools. These freakin' idiots." --Bentley

Touche!

He keeps saying the Dentist is not attractive at all, but he's always talking about her ass, too. So, I'm confused. If you like someone's ass, don't you find at least their ass attractive? I'm just trying to do the math here.

Bentley exits the Kia mini-van.

The Dentist opens the door and is shocked to find Bentley there. In her heart, she knows. She knows.

"Are you going to watch tv?" --Bentley

"I don't even know if that is a tv." --Dentist

Wait. She doesn't know what a tv looks like?

So, Bentley wastes little time in getting to the nitty-gritty and at one point invites the Dentist to his lap, like you would a dog, by clapping his hands against his knees. So attractive.

So, this guy is a jerk. Duh.

And it's fine with me that he came on this show to just "play the game."

But, I do draw the line when he starts lying about his child.

He's divorced for a reason and clearly, it's because he's incredibly selfish and manipulative.

I hope the state of Utah sees this and jacks up his child support by 300%.

Does he even have a daughter? Google it.

"I wish the end was like, tomorrow." --Bentley

Oh, me too! Me too.

"Oh, shootS." --Dentist

Does she know she kept putting an "S" on the end of that word?

Again with the straddling? Really? Have you no self-control? No self-respect?

"The difference is, I'm not effing interested in her." --Bentley

I respect that.

"Dot dot dot..." --Dentist

"Dot dot dot is better than just a period." --Bentley

I can't...

Bentley finally pulls away in the Kia mini-van and leaves the Dentist to cry herself to sleep during, what is likely, mid-morning.

CHRIS HARRISON, WHERE ARE YOU?

*More on Bentley later.

JP shows up in an interesting choice of attire.

The Dentist made no effort to look even remotely interested in him being there.

"I don't know how emotional she's going to be." --JP

Let me answer that one: overly emotional.

Is she eating an orange out of a styrofoam take out box?

She really loves over-sized button-down shirts that don't have buttons all the way to the collar. Like, that's all she wore this whole episode. And this is coming from a person who wears basically the same thing everyday. But, I don't have a stylist or someone paying for my wardrobe.

The Dentist decides to put on her sweatpants and glasses.

The glasses are just a poor choice.

JP is lounging around waiting on her as if he's naked on a bearskin rug. Awkward.

JP gets a rose and they make out.

The Dentist gets one last dig in at Bentley by claiming that JP is a better kisser. Touche, Dentist! Touche!

FINALLY. Chris Harrison steps in to talk some sense into this bitch. He says everything he should. Like: If he wanted to be there, he'd be there. Was it the idea of him? You were warned. Was this just because it was forbidden love? Other dudes have given up a lot of their life to be here, he didn't do that. NO REGRETS! You might have to get kicked in the gut.

I want to kick her in the gut.

I bet Chris kind of does, too.

Right? I'm right.

The men learn that there will be no cocktail party.

MM is upset because he realized he only told the Dentist about his dog and never even got to tell her about his new kitten. He was clearly saving his kitten stories for the cocktail party.

"I just don't have the energy." --Dentist

Oh, me neither!

WILLIAM GETS A ROSE!

WILLIAM GETS A ROSE!

Obviously his jog down Melrose got his foot back in the door. But, a part of me wonders-- if there had been a cocktail party and MM could have shared more about his dog AND revealed that he also had a kitten would things be different? Would the Dentist choose him over William? I guess we'll always be left to wonder...always left with the "dot dot dot."

You know those other dudes are just like, "WTF?" about Young William getting a rose after all that horse shit he said. Being someone who says a lot of horse shit to a lot of people, I'm glad he got a second chance.

MM throws his mask in the fire.

Which, in my opinion, truly (FINALLY) made this the most. dramatic. episode. ever.

*The more on Bentley.

Props to him. It's obvious someone dared him to go on this show and be worse than Wes. He succeeded. He is not a real person. I mean, he's obviously a real person, but this person on this show cannot be real. I refuse to believe that people actually exist for the sole reason of tormenting another human being.

Word on the street is that he went to BYU and is a Mormon. So, I ask BYU: is this dude worse than the basketball player who admitted to partaking in pre-marital sex? There was a lot of straddling and ass-grabbing going. Just curious.

Can a person who has purposely messy hair have a good or bad hair day?