the bachelorette: pad thai and feelings.

Tonight, Chris Harrison has on normal clothes. That should have been our first sign that this episode was going to be the most boring thing since ever.

She's never been to anywhere in Asia, but she's been to DSW to buy inappropriate wedges for the beach.

For the life of me, I cannot figure out how she or anyone else came up with that outfit. The shorts, the weird top with a hole in it...and the shoes...the shoes...

The Dentist tells the "Navigator" what she's up to in Phuket. And the lady isn't confused at all. She just told her to take a kayak into a lagoon and told her it'd be romantic. If a kayak is involved I can't think of anything less romantic. Unless it involves a shovel or a rake. Or going on a jog. Or a garage and cleaning it.

Constantine gets the one-on-one. Nick is REALLY bummed.

Constantine has on the same sandals I used to wear to soccer games in 5th grade.

Constie meets up with the Dentist at the sea. And in the most annoying voice ever the Dentist greets him with a "Heyyyyyyyyy Constantinnnnnnnnnnnnne!"

"Where are we? Like, really?" --Constantine

Effing Thailand, idiot.

So, Constie and the Dentist couldn't go on the boat because of big waves. What a bummer! Sad face times 12! The boat ride is out, but they find a market instead. And there, they find an old man to annoy. That poor old man was just sitting outside of his Thai business and then these two assholes came along and started asking him all of these really private questions.

The boyZ are DYING to go on a date with the Dentist.

I'm just dying.

"Cheers to not winning."

Yeah. You're telling me.

She.

just.

keeps.

talking.

about.

Bentley.

Like, come the hell on.

So, Constie and the Dentist sit down to dinner and she basically just fishes for affirmation the whole time. She's a fisher! A fisher! And. What the hell were they talking about? And where'd they get those blue drinks? And was that sweat?

"I'm glad you said something...I was thinking, 'are we more like a friend?'" --The Dentist

I know my answer to that question.

JP, Ben and Blake are discussing kisses. And JP learns it's the nature of the beast and that all boyZ love fruit.

The Dentist set up a groupsy date for the boyZ at an orphanage.

"They want to spend a precious moment giving back..." --JP

Wait. "Precious moment" is an actual phrase?

It was a cool thing for the group to do.

I will leave it right there.

Well, one thing: I like that Ryan asked the boyZ to at least do a "decent" job. Talk about passive aggressive.

Ok, one more thing: that "mural" on the wall looked like a blind baby Panda bear who likely can't see colors or make shapes painted it.

Bentley.

again.

AGAIN.

So, after a "good" and "hard" day of work the Dentist is ready to relax and reconnect and hit up the club in a short crocheted number with a neon purple bikini underneath. Typical. Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo typical.

She sits down with Ben F. and then they very much act like 9th graders and get really awkward and admit that they "are starting to like each other." So, they make out. See how that 9th grade comparison comes in?

The Dentist and Sunshine Ryan have a talkie-talk and we learn that first and foremost, the Dentist is looking for feelings. I have to be really honest: No idea what the shit that actually means.

The Dentist and JP take off to the beach. Because...where the hell else would you go in a torrential downpour?

"What did you think about the kids?" --The Dentist

What the dumb.

What is he going to say? Well, Ashley, I hate children. Especially orphans. PA-LEASE, gUrl.

She starts fishing again and just baits him and baits him and baits him into telling her how perfect their last date was and then they make out hardcore on the beach. So hardcore the semi-porn music of previous Bachelor seasons comes on. Eventually the umbrella they had over them falls to the ground. Kind of like JP when he tried to pick her up and carry her. Oopsies!

Ryan says things are going to get "interesting, no doubt" but, he's a liar. This episode is so boring that even Kesha (no, I will not use the '$') would rather read Newt Gingrich's family-values policy than this.

Things almost got interesting when Sunshine stole away the Dentist before she gave away her group-date rose. The rose went to Ben F. and you could read JP's face like a book: he is a used man.

The Dentist takes Ames on a boat ride.

I like Ames and find it interesting that he likes shirts and shorts with so many pockets. Like, does he like the look or does he actually utilize all the pockets?

"I came to climb the mountains." --Ames

"I found the cooking school on the internetS." --Ames

Just the mountains? Bold.

And. Yes, of course. Where else would you find a cooking school?

Their boat ride just reminded me of "The Goonies." Clearly, I'm a romantic at heart, too.

"Phuket is the perfect place to fall in love." --Ames

Really? The perfect place? I mean, I guess...but, I can think of other places closer to home that would work as well. I, personally, think it'd be easier to go to Phuket after you're already in love.

Yes, I heard his dumbass line about navigating caves and navigating relationships.

Now I'm confused. She told Ames her number 1 thing she's looking for is "someone who is devoted." So, is that what she meant by she's "looking for feelings"? I don't see that adding up.

Bentley.

again.

They go to dinner. It was kind of sweet. Kind of awkward. He got the rose. And convinced me that he's the most well-spoken (as in, has a great vocabulary and use of the English language) man to ever come on this show.

COCKTAIL PARTY.

I was bored.

Blake told Sunshine Ryan he's annoying.

And then the Dentist kind of touched on the same subject and you could tell the sunshine was fading and the clouds were rolling in. I bet this guy throws a lamp before it's all over with.

Chrissy Poo Harrison sits down the Dentist

and.

she.

says.

she.

isn't.

over.

Bentley.

The door is closed, you moron! The potential didn't exist.

She eventually asks Chrissy for an extra rose and we learn that this show has "no rules." Really? Didn't that one gUrl get kicked off for getting to "know" a crew member a couple of seasons ago?

Bumski! All but one dude gets a rose.

West gets dumped and barely says goodbye on his way out.

Things that would have been more interesting than watching this episode: watching an elephant walk around in a circle, reading a book on Thailand, googling shirts with lots of pockets, learning to cook Thai food, watching a ball bounce. I could name more.

I wonder if the Dentist is as desperate as she seems or if it's those ABC Producers trying to trick us! And all this Bentley nonsense? Is it real? Like. I've spent more time with random people in grocery stores than she's spent with him and she's like, in deep over this dude.

Oh, Phuket.

Who cares.