the bachelorette: asian fusion.

Are these idiots on the 'Amazing Race' now?

I love the video of everyone on the bus with her VO (voice over, for those not in the 'know'). It was like they were all graduating from high school.

"This year marks the 100-year anniversary of Taiwain...we're very fortunate to be here RIGHT NOW." --Chris

Because last year was less special? Or next year is going to suck? I'm seeing very little pomp going on regarding 100 years.

This week, we learn that there are four dates, NOT three, but FOUR. Just three. Not four. JP doesn't like it. And we learn as the episode goes on, "When JP ain't happy, ain't no one happy."

Really digging Ames' outfit. I had no idea you could still get Adidas pants like that. I wonder if they are snap-down? If so, I had a similar pair in 8th grade. So, does Ames dress like a 14-year-old gUrl? You said it, not me.

Choo-choo.

Here comes the oldest train in the world. Or maybe it's just as old as Taiwan, which would be 100 years old.

Where is the back of the Dentist's shirt? Seriously. Where does she get these shirts?

While on the the train they both discuss the fact that they are holding hands. It leads me to believe that they are around 13-years-old.

LANTERN FESTIVAL.

"We paint wishes on the lantern and they come true." --Dentist

I'm calling it: bull shit.

Ryan is fre.a.kin'. out. I think this dude is going to snap at any point. Give him a one-on-one.

The Dentist tells Constantine that he's exactly what she's attracted to.

Way to play hard to get, idiot.

"What a powerful emotion love is." --Constantine

Hate is powerful, too.

They let the lantern go.

All the mothers cried.

"It's gorgeous." --Constantine, on the lanterns

Or is it 'gorges'?

Ben and the Dentist go check out the scenery. Ben looks exactly like Constantine. I'm starting to wonder if that's confusing for the Dentist.

Ben and the Dentist are taking a moped on their scenic tour.

They get off the moped and suddenly the Dentist has luggage, well not luggage-- a giant tote bag. She did not have that before they got on the moped. While she’s got the tote bag on her shoulder, which is GIANT by the way, I already said that, they make out and say “gorgeous” a lot, but all I can think about is GORGES.

Ben is falling in love, BUT he's not ready to tell her...so he dances around the "L-bomb" quite a bit. Like, it gets awkward. And that gUrl is such a fisherman. Get her a damn pole already. All she does is sit around and get people to say sweet things to her.

"I feel like he's my boyfriend." --The Dentist

SHOCKING.

I'm guessing that the L-Bomb, combined with the fact that the Dentist thinks Ben is her boyfriend is why they had a little shaccident (that's a SHACK-ACCIDENT). JP is beyond upset about it. He's so upset that he puts on a pearl snap shirt. Ben rolls in, in an outfit that can't be described and JP is still upset.

"People in Taiwan love their weddings, especially their photos...we're going to explore this tradition today." --The Dentist

Yes, that tradition is sacred only to Taiwan.

The boyZ have to wear some pretty dumb shit. Especially Ames. Although Ames' outfit was better than whatever it was Ben rolled in wearing. Of course, JP, the little baby gUrl, gets to wear a tuxedo. However, he still manages to be a little baby gUrl while watching everyone get their "wedding photos" taken.

"The guys didn't have as much fun as I hoped they would have." --The Dentist

Dingdingding! BoyZ don't like having their picture taken, especially while wearing dumb clothes in Taiwan while watching other boyZ kiss their ladddddddddddddddddy.

The Dentist tries to comfort Lucas by telling him he wasn't wearing a dress, but a long shirt. What an idiot. It was a dress. And an ugly one at that.

"Do you think I'd fit in?" --The Dentist

If my brother brought you home at Christmas, I'd quit going home for Christmas.

Ames being the little sweetie that he is, brought some family photos to show the Dentist. I'm all in with Ames after seeing his elementary school photos AND his deep pink/red pants. I'm not sure I'd want him to wear them at night on a date, but I'm on board otherwise. He also shouldn't wear them around my family because they'd think he likes males, but otherwise: good to go.

JP starts being a little baby gUrl again to the Dentist, so of course she gives him a rose. Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo typical.

It's finally turn for Mr. Sunshine's one-on-one date. Again, the Dentist has lost the back to her shirt.

They go to a temple and I was stressed out. Mainly because of the chanting. I get distracted very easily by noises, so I would've been done on this date real quick. And how the hell did she know that that dude was a match-making god? Somebody made that shit up.

I like that they sat on the steps and discussed Tai Chi. I mean, why not? I personally love going on dates and discussing the finer aspects of Tai Chi.

Ryan gets weirdsies and starts to cry (almost) when discussing the Dentist heading home to meet his family. I bet his family sits around on a regular basis singing "Kumbaya."

They sit down for a picnic and Ryan drops the really hard questions like, "What do you do for the environment?" And then...he goes off on WATER HEATERS. Yes, water heaters. I quit listening pretty quickly.

"Why doesn't every house have a tankless water heater?" --Mr. Sunshine

I'm starting to guess this has a lot to do with why you haven't been on a one-on-one date, sir.

The Dentist tells Mr. Sunshine she's not feeling the romance. His face drops, especially when he realizes that, NO, she doesn't want to meet his family. Oopsies. Date over. Relationship over. Go practice Tai Chi next to your tankless water heater.

"I'm shocked. I don't want to be alone." --Mr. Sunshine

Well, don't talk about water heaters on dates then.

Seriously.

I think Ryan walked away and threw up. And then he cussed a lot. I didn't know he knew words like that! They certainly don't say words like that on the "Brady Bunch," so where did he learn them?

Then they made Ryan wander around the streets of Taiwan alone.

That's just sad, ABC. Just plain sad.

COCKTAIL PARTY.

Ames makes the observation that there are only five of them left.

Chris comes for his weekly therapy session. I was bored with it. But, to make time for Barbie Emily's cry-fest after the roses are handed out, they skip the actual cocktail party.

Does Ben know how to tie a tie? I'm just saying: if you're wearing a tie, just tie it. If you're looking all dapper in your fancy suit, you look like an idiot when your tie is like that. And go ahead and button that top button, too.

How does she give a rose to two people who could be identical twins?

Ames gets the final rose.

JP, who's turned into a real asshole, didn't expect Ames to get a rose and then tells him that.

Lucas is just looking for someone to go to breakfast with, so West Texas ladies: if you know of a good pancake place give him a holler. He'll call you sweetie and baby. A lot.

And then she cried a lot. And now, we have to listen to Barbie Emily cry a lot.

BARBIE EMILY

She tells us what People Magazine already did: they are no longer engaged. SHOCKER. No one, saw that coming, right?

"We left the dotdotdot." --Barbie Emily

OMG. What is this?! That's not a phrase!

If there are so many regrets and tears, then why aren't you making it work, Barbie?

I should've started counting how many times she said, "you know?" That's a huge pet peeve of mine. I feel like people saying, "you know" at the end of their thoughts gives them less validation and/or leads me to believe that they think the people who are listening are idiots and don't understand what they are saying. You know?

Brad gave his blessing for Barbie Emily to sit down with Chris.

Oh, good!

I'm so confused.

"I don't want to worry about not knowing if someone is in the bushes taking pictures." --Barbie Emily

Oh, gUrl, if I had a dollar...

That was dumb.

She didn't tell us anything.