bachelor pad: epi 4.

Oh, thank God! We got to hear Jake's exit speech. And double bonus: Kasey, for the 19th time, said, "Kick rocks, dude," and of course, "I'm gonna punch him. This is for my girlfriend. This is for America!" That's the kind of guy we need on our Olympic team. He knows what America stands for. Clearly. Go America!

Then, we have a kissing contest.

GAG.

Seriously though.

Blake won. Ella won.

Blake was like, practicing to be in a porno or something. Gagsies.

Apparently, Kasey has bad breath and to me, that's something Vienna would've fixed a long time ago. She doesn't seem like one who holds her tongue to spare someone's feelings. I, on the other hand, am. Once, I was at a dance with a boy, dancing (obvi) and all I could smell was Doritos. I don't even eat Doritos and I knew the smell. But, I was a sweetie and kept it to myself.

Michelle pulled herself out of the "competition" because she has a daughter. I cannot wait to have a kid! I'm constantly going to be like, "Sorry...I'm a mother. How will I explain pumping my own gas to my daughter?" "Oh, I'm sorry...you want me to do what? No, I cannot bring a casserole to your potluck dinner, I'm an effing mother."

To recap, or even observe, the crazy that happened from this point on in the show is impossible. CAMe (Melissa) really came out in full force tonight.

But, FIRST, Kirk and Ella go on a date. They seem like sweet (and somewhat trashy [Ella]) people, but also...boring as hell. Like, boring.

Melissa traps Blake into a conversation about his date and his rose. He doesn't want to take crazy train with him on his romantic date, but she is crazy and doesn't get it. That's the only way to explain: a crazy person's brain doesn't work the way a normal person's brain does. It's crazy.

Kirk and Ella share their sad stories. Kirk lost 20 pounds from mold. Get this gUrl some mold, stat!

Erica gives Blake a massage and I felt so uncomfortable watching her massage him and try to manipulate him at the same time that I can't even explain it. What's wrong with this guy? I know people probably think Erica is the weirdo, but I blame Blake for this. He welcomed that weirdo.

Kirk and Ella kiss in a hot air balloon, but I can't tell if they like each other or if they were just in a hot air balloon.

Holy help! Blake did not choose CAMe. There are buses driving by (I mean, that's what CAMe kept saying, "He's throwing me under the bus.") and fans were just splattering shit all over the walls.

"Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves, but Melissa wears her's on every article of clothing she wears every day." --CAM (Michelle)

Oh. Ok.

CAMe begs CAM to punch Blake, but CAM is smarter than that and she only extends her sympathy to CAMe directly.

CAMe's war path continues throughout the house, but she's only met with blank stares. Who got the worst of CAMe's air strikes? That poor, poor yogurt container. She mixed the shit out of that.

"Living with Melissa is like living on an emotional roller coaster. I'm ready to get off." --Erica

CAMe confronts Holly about flirting with Blake. Holly's defense is that she flirts with all the boys. Poor defense, but I buy it. I buy that she just wants to leave the house. I want to leave the house and I have never even been there.

CAMe gets out her geocaching tools to find Blake, but he has 40 seconds left on his evening dental routine and she has to stew even longer. I'm assuming they talked. But, we never saw it.

Blake and Holly leave, while wearing matching outfits. He is such a d-bag. I wish Kasey would punch him for all of America.

Holly and Blake go skiing and it was like, giggle, giggle, giggle. Fall, fall, fall, giggle, air punch, flirt, giggle, fall, wrestle, giggle, giggle.

The date portion of the evening involves red wine and a fire. I didn't see any food, except for a minor glimpse of mashed potatoes. I bet that food was cold. Holly tells Blake the story about the breakup with Michael and never really says where they stand either way. Meanwhile, Michael is at home just pacing the floors and staring at a fire, shirtless. So much drama. Holly keeps talking and then Blake says, "Want to just sleep here?" And of course, she says yes.

During the overnight portion of the date Blake uses the worst line I've ever heard on television to get Holly to kiss him again. At this point, I've lost a lot of hope in Holly. It's a fine line between being an idiot and being confused.

Holly comes back to the house wearing her grandmother's pearls. And her grandmother's friend's pearls. And her grandmother's friend of a friend's pearls.

Michael tells Holly she is "irreplaceable" and ABC decided to play the score from "Titanic" when Beyonce would've been much more appropriate. Michael learns about the kiss and only becomes more convinced that he's in love. Where is the logic in that?

Holly cried a lot. It was basically: cry, confusion, cry, cry, cry, cuddle, share, cry.

Chris Harrison makes his appearance and drops the "one woman, one man" line. I thought all hell broke loose earlier, but...I was wrong.

Kasey tells us that he needs the money or his grandmother won't live. His grandmother sounds like a snob! Like, what? She told Kasey if he didn't come home with the money she'd just die?

Everyone's talking about power couples this and power couples that, but these people clearly don't know what a power couple actually looks like. Let's look at history for a few: John and Abigail Adams, Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt, John and Jackie Kennedy, Bill and Hillary Clinton. Then, of course, we have: Bruce and Kris Jenner, Tom Brady and that super model (like I can spell her name), Brad Pitt and Angelia Jolie, and hello, Beyonce and Jay-Z. Those are real life power couples. Tell me where Vienna and Kasey fit into the description now!

William, and his extremely red face, learn about the lies. He's going home.

Michael and Holly are on a special "date" ala the way Brad Womack always took Barbie Emily on special dates. Basically, he found a blanket and some pillows from the pool and they sat outside. SPECIAL is right! At first, I was all, "these people are cute. I hope they make it." Now, I'm like, "Holy hell, figure this shit out somewhere else."

Holly's hair looks better not straight.

This is the point in the show where every single person is voting for CAMe to go home and telling her they didn't vote for her. People are scared of this "lady." And why doesn't she put on a jacket? She's walking around just shivering and I'm all, "you have on a tank top!"

"I'm not mad, I'm just saying, I don't understand." --CAMe

Told you! She doesn't understand. Her brain is crazy. She doesn't understand.

Finally, Michael just gives it to her straight and tells her that EVERYONE voted against her. She looks at Blake, in his signature baby vest, and screams, "Fix this!"

"Stop making me say this out loud." --Kasey

So...he can hear?

My favorite part of the voting, on any show like this, is when a person "feels bad" and says something to the camera like, "Baby gUrl, I'm sorry." Or. "I love you, but..." Yeah, I love you, but you're a crazy ass and no one can sleep while you're here because we're convinced you're staring at us!

William goes home and then gets tearful.

I would be tearful too if I was going back to nowhere Ohio to sell phones for Verizon. How many times a day can one person fake laugh at a customer saying, "Can you hear me now?" My max would be one for the year.

Melissa bawled like a little baby gUrl when he left, too. I've never even seen them talk to each other. So...what?

CAMe goes home and to her dismay, the world doesn't end right there.

Blake is happy, but sad. Blake wears vests that were made for babies. You know what your mother always says, "Never trust a man wearing a vest made for a baby."

CAMe really breaks down in the limo. Like, really. She turns around in the seat. I would, too. That gUrl is an ugly ass crier. Yeah, I threw ass in there. It's that bad.

And.

Then, it was over.

most eligible dallas.

Let's address the elephant in (on) the (blog) room: Most Eligible Dallas.

Admittedly, this fair city is not my favorite place in the world. It's not even in my top five. However, this has been my home for almost 5 years and I've been very fortunate to find some great friends and a great church to propel me along here.

Dallas might be the most egotistical place on the face of the Earth. Everything here is big, new, luxurious and ridiculous. That's where my hesitation lies in watching this show and then talking about it. This show only cements the fact that Dallas, as a city, is absurd. I also hesitate to watch and blog about this show, because I don't want to be that person sitting behind a computer bashing people. I mean, what if I run into some of these people at a charity event or church?

Anyway. I guess I've been talked into watching and blogging about this show. The following is not a recap, but more of an observation over the first two episodes.

"Instead of going to bars and clubs, a lot of people just go to charity events."

Who? Who does that?

Sooooooooooooooooooooo Dallas.

"Are you a Christian?"

"Of course, yeah."

Sooooooooooooooooooooo Dallas.

Let's start with Matt, the almost turned pro, former QB at Texas. False. He was the holder for field goals and point after attempts. He was the third string QB. And his junior year he was the backup holder. The backup holder. Third string QBs and backup holders don't turn pro. Doesn't he know the internet exists? Why make that claim? I could claim that I did a lot of things, too, but unfortunately, Mr. Google knows all. Google knows all. His bio on the academic side of things seems to be pretty impressive though. I will assume it's all true.

Matt says he can do more living in one day than most people can do in their life. Bold, Matt. Bold. If you have a job and you work there for like, six hours on a Tuesday, what else do you have time for? Lunch? Happy hour? Listen, I've been to lunch on a Tuesday. I've been to happy hour. I don't consider either of those events to be particularly fascinating or something out of the ordinary. Matt, where are you going to happy hour? Are you telling me there's something better out there than free queso at Chuy's? Prove it.

Matt's philosophy on being single is also incredibly interesting. He invites a gUrl to dinner. And then, he invites 12 other gUrls to dinner and says, "I can do that, I'm single." Yeah, great. But, AWKWARD. Single or not, that's so uncomfortable.

Is Matt wearing a formal fleece to work in epi 2? What is that? I don't like it.

Then, we have Courtney. She's sooooooooooooooo Dallas. Well, so is that other guy. But, Courtney screams it. She claims being upset over things that aren't "traditional" like her, but she also said, "use a condom" when referring to having a baby out of wedlock. Say what, gUrl?

She is "traditional" in the sense that she doesn't want to meet a man in a bar. I don't want to meet a man in a bar either, but I'm totally fine with a mother, single or otherwise, going to dinner without her baby. I think I'll be fine with that even if I'm 32 and still single and want a baby. I cannot ever see myself thinking that mothers and fathers should only be allowed to watch Criminal Minds for fun for the rest of their lives. She really seemed like a normal, fun gUrl the first 20 minutes of the first show and then BAM! Crazy train. All aboard.

Also, Courtney was drunk at the Al Beirnat's dinner with Neill and Tara. Two bottles of wine between two people is never going to end well. And it doesn't seem all that traditional. Traditionally, people get drunk off of a shot of tequila. Not off of two bottles of wine on a Tuesday.

"He has JFK Jr. hair." --Courtney, on her future husband

JFK Jr. had a brillow pad for hair.

Tara claims to be the most Dallas of all the women in the world. I kind of like her, but only in the way that she owns the way she is and she's upfront about it. Also, she doesn't seem crazy. She's a true Texan who wishes she could drink Texas wine over other wine. Eww. What? I don't even like to drink California wine. Most Texas wines cost like 7 bucks a bottle. Clearly, those wineries know their target audience (Texas).

Glenn? Glenn is from Michigan, by way of 9 NFL teams. On the outside, he seems not super Dallas-y. Then, he has a photo shoot. Then, he sees the photos from the photo shoot and likes looking at himself so much he has a conniption fit. However, he wears a lot of fedoras and drives an '80s Cadillac. Not Dallas.

Drew claims to not be a quintessential gay man, but he's so quintessential Dallas that he is a quintessential gay man. Just because you don't like broadway or Gucci doesn't mean you win. I don't like those things either. He goes on a date with a red headed Mexican and you would've thought he was on a date with a baby horse.

I think what's most sad about the show is that these people exist. A few of them live relatively close to me even. They exist and sadly, lots of other people like them exist, too. This is what Dallas is like...for some people. Not all people.

But, come on with the longhorns. When have I ever seen a cow driving around town? There's no vegetation here. Cows are not grazing within miles of here. Please stick with the actual stereotypical Dallas things if you're going with a stereotypical Dallas theme.

bachelor pad: epi 3.

We start the show with Melissa (CAMe) throwing shit in the kitchen as Blake tries to talk her off the ledge while wearing a vest made for a baby. Any show that begins like that only screams goodness. CAMe accuses baby vest Blake (bvB) of playing follow the leader with Holly. bvB realizes he jumped on the crazy train and now he can't get off. Trouble is ahead.

"There are three things I'm blessed with: mental durability, physical strength and problem solving." --Jake

Am I an idiot? Have I ever heard of the phrase 'mental durability'? Maybe I'm not mentally durable.

Jake is super pumped for the synchronized swimming routine because he did "Dancing with the Stars." Proving, anyone can get on that show. Different rant for a different day.

As I watch these people practice their synchronized swimming I think about how I sat at work the other day on a conference call for over an hour on the topic of medicare physician payment reimbursements. I'm the same age as some of the people on this show. Their life is synchronized swimming on reality tv and my life is not.

Karen, Dave and Natalie have a tough job ahead of them.

JUST KIDDING.

Vienna is bound and determined to win this for Kasey. She swims and dances and kicks and hoists someone on her shoulders, but comes up short. No rose for Vienna.

If you're in water, is it still called a 'jazz' hand? I think it'd be something different.

The gUrls routine was terrible. Blind Jack Russell Terriers could have performed better.

The men are much better.

Who cares.

Michael and CAM (Michelle) get the roses.

Hugs all around.

It's now time for our first Kasey and Vienna fight of the evening. But, not before Jake and Erica cuddle up. It was the most awkward cuddle sesh ever, but did not lack in vulgarity. There was a lot of rubbing in inappropriate places with someone's foot. Lots.

Kasey is upset that Vienna is "always so cordial and nice" to Jake. If that's "cordial" every charm school in the world should rewrite their curriculum. Cotillions everywhere should gasp in shame.

Kasey calls Vienna a fame whore. I would take him more seriously if he wasn't wearing a tank top.

Michelle takes bvB, Graham and Kasey on her date. Michelle says she's good friends with CAMe and I'll say, original CAM is someone you want on your side. 2nd rate CAMe is someone you want to run from screaming. CAM tells bvB to suck it up.

CAM then has a preshy little convo with Graham and gives him the roses, after they make out. Where was this CAM during her "Bachelor" season? Like, she seems so normal and fun now. I like that Graham wears cross-trainers on the date.

Michael is a sucker for punishment. He takes Holly, Vienna and Ella on his date. The date is horseback riding. Vienna complains the whole time. Surprise, surprise.

"This shrew of a bitch."--bvB (Blake)

Pot. Kettle. Meet.

bvB apologizes.

Hugs all around.

Michael's got it bad for Holly. They have another talk about something. Bret Michaels sings. Holly gets the rose.

Jake begins his political campaign for himself and against Kasey. Kasey and Jake both couldn't be less appealing. I take that back. I bet they could be, but at this moment in time I can't imagine two less appealing men.

Here comes Princess Erica. This is really her breakout show. She starts rubbing on Jake and eventually, they make out.

Kasey takes Vienna on a 6-month anniversary date. In all the moments I've ever had in my life, I've never been more embarrassed and sad for a person as I was for Kasey during this moment. The ring, the song-- everything. The only promise I want to make to Vienna is the promise to punch her for all of America if I ever see her on the street.

What I think Kasey sang: I love from this moment on, I can carry on my love for you tonight. I gave you a promise and put it on your finger and now I know is that you are mine forever. So when you're feeling blue, just know that I love youuuuu.

Oh, Heaven help us all. I gave you a promise and put it on your finger? Well, I guess that's better than where I would've put it.

Erica keeps the make out information to herself while she sleuths around the house spying on people. She got bored real quick listening to CAMe and Jake. She legit shrugged her shoulders and walked off.

Is Vienna really helping Ella fix dinner for what looks to be the group? I wouldn't eat food prepared by Vienna if the rest of the food in the world had been dropped on a gas station bathroom floor.

Personally, Erica creeping on Michael and CAMe was one of my favorite scenes of television ever. She gave a priceless look to the camera.

"She's constantly in a state of crazy." --Erica, on CAMe

"I'm not the one falling off the rocker every few minutes." --CAMe

CAMe threatens to leave, but the Producers told her Gia already did that and her exit would have zero dramatic impact on the show, so she stays.

"I want to be strictly platonic partners." --bvB, to CAMe

I don't think you should have to tell people that. That should be a given, right?

You know if you're running to Jake for help, you're up shit creek without a paddle. But, that's exactly who CAMe runs to. Jake says, "What happened? Let me guess! They're being mean!" Yes, Jake, and then they wouldn't let her sit at the lunch table either! Oh, the pain! The torture!

My friends behaved better as 6th graders than some of these people.

Chris lets us know that all the "ladies" are safe and one man will be leaving the Bach Pad.

TWIST!

We spend the next 20 minutes watching people squirm and scheme and manipulate and cry. In the middle of it, out of nowhere, Kasey learns people are voting against him. HIM-- the head honcho! The guy with a disability!

Erica sits CAMe down and gives her a pep talk about bvB. Erica is good. She's using the "empowerment" technique to get her to believe she is needed and wanted and that she's powerful. This technique almost always works. Good call, Erica.

Kasey gives a cheers! to loyalty as everyone else in the house was "pulling the trigger" on voting him off. Oh, the irony! The irony! Ironic because right about this time Kasey finds out who's backstabbing and who's lying-- news flash-- it's everyone!

The next 14 minutes are two to three different soundtracks of dramatic music with voice overs about voting Kasey off. Erica takes a clear gavel into the voting room and talks to a picture frame before voting and slamming her gavel on the voting box. Who made her do that? No way she did that on her own. The tiara? Yes, all her. The clear gavel? Where do you ever buy one of those? The gift shop of the Supreme Court?

Jake pulls Kasey aside. I don't think any sentences were spoken.

"People are letting trailer park trash and a tattooed guy run their lives." --Erica

Zing!

Finally after an agonizing amount of time and inordinate amount of times hearing Jake say, "I don't know where the numbers lie," we find out where the numbers are laying.

In Kasey's disheveled bed.

And suddenly, it cuts to black! That's it.

Why did we not get to see Jake's goodbye? Are they saying that for 30 minutes at the beginning of next week? Spare me.

10.

Time flies when you're growing up.

Ten years ago today-ish I started my senior year of high school.

Since then, I quit illegally downloading music and I got my braces off. I also rescued some dogs off the side of the road only to have them die on me a week later. I moved. I moved again. And then I moved about 11 times after that.

I haven't brushed anyone's hair with a random brush I found in the locker room in years and I haven't been to the principal's office since my last visit in 2001.

I still like pizza, so really-- very little has changed.

the bachelor pad: epi 2.

We start off the epi with an egg toss. But, this isn't your typical Brady Bunch egg toss, no...these are paint filled eggs that are to be thrown at a target. A human target!

"I used to play softball." --Vienna

So did every gUrl in America.

(SHOUT OUT MORGAN!)

Gia hits her first target and you'd think she just won the Super Bowl. Then it's about 15 minutes of people pelting Jake and Erica with eggs. The Erica thing really was pretty brutal. I'd probably cry a little, but then I'd take a step back from my life and say, "Erica, sweetie, this isn't real life. People were throwing eggs at your back."

Melissa and Mike win the competition.

The competition any 8-year-old boy would have dominated.

Mike takes Holly, Erica and Michelle on his date. His "scary ass" date. I swear they made a Disney movie at the abandoned hospital they were visiting. They walk around for a normal amount of time via night vision. Mike and Erica try to contact Howard Vanderbloom. Howard should probably check into HIPAA laws because his file should not be just sitting around like that. His doctor should have properly disposed of that. You can't just leave someone's medical records sitting around.

Mike and Holly get together and cry. There's a lot of liquor sitting around. They skip the white wine on Bachelor Pad, people. Straight to whiskey. I can't be certain, but I'm fairly certain that nothing really happened during Mike and Holly's convo. I mean, besides crying. Just a lot of emotions. A lot. Like, a lot.

Melissa takes Kirk, Blake and Kasey on her date.

From this point on, we will be calling Melissa, Crazy Ass Melissa. Or, CAMe. (The 'e' is to distinguish her from CAM, Crazy Ass Michelle.)

CAMe is terrifying. What's even more terrifying is the outfit Blake put on. I'm sorry, where did you get your shorts? Seriously.

Jake is seen sitting on an empty queen-size bed. He must walk around soaked in antibacterial wash. I would NEVER sit on a bed in that house that wasn't mine. It has to be soaked in STDs. Jake mopes around the house and then asks "V" for a talk. She declines the offer, as she finished off her Michelob Ultra. At this point, I'm on team Jake. I mean, yeah, the guy is a jackass and a tool, but he's trying. I use 'trying' loosely, because this is a television show. Jake spends 3/4 of the show walking around alone staring at stuff.

We get back to CAMe. She promised Kasey a rose, but made out with the male dentist and changed her mind.

Gia and Graham have a really weird strategic conversation that involved a yellow legal pad. I didn't know any of these people could read or write, so it must've been serious.

The male dentist is getting hit on by CAMe and Holly. CAMe wanders around the house yelling, "Blake? Blake?" The only thing I've ever seen more sad is my dad and brother searching for our family dog once and yelling, "Sam? Sam?" and finding him in a ditch. Like, gUrl. Come on. Self respect.

CAMe came on the show to tell people she's "a fun, nice person" (she thinks). Wrong venue, right idea. If you're trying to prove you aren't crazy, start small. Start with a dinner party and work towards 6 weeks in a home with a bunch of other people. This place could be compared to an incredibly dysfunctional halfway-house. Don't start by surround yourself with other crazy ass people, CAMe. OMG.

Jake plays Isaac for a second and throws himself on the altar for "V" and it was really sad.

"Do you think you deserve to be here?" --Kasey

What a dumb question? Who deserves to be there? If I deserved to be there, I'd seriously start questioning the decisions in my life that led me there.

"I have an e-mail. I have a phone number." --Vienna

We living in the 21st century.

Kasey and "V" reject Jake and Jake walks off. About 9 seconds later Kasey and "V" start making out.

Side note: I need Kasey to clear his throat or announce that he does have a hearing impairment because I cannot listen to his voice much longer.

And then Kasey shows us his tattoo and announces, "It's guard and protect time." Heaven help us all. Holy goodness. He made that tattoo dance, didn't he?

William announces that the vibe in the house is "awkward" and Chris starts calling people out. Chris tells Vienna that at least two doors in the house are open. I'm not sure if other doors were open or not, but he pointed at two specifically, implying that she could exit through either of them.

Chris announces that two "ladies" are going home and shit was suddenly spread all over the room via a fan.

Vienna stands up and tells everyone, "this is cheating!"

You know what's cheating? Blake counting his outfit as a good fashion choice. That's not fair. That vest wouldn't fit most 7th grade gUrls.

This is the point in the show when I start to question a lot of things. Mostly, I question if these people are real adults. The whole thing: do they pay taxes? Can they do laundry? Are they capable of turning on a stove and not burning down their home?

These people behave like cracked out middle schoolers. And that's being sweet. I feel bad comparing them to middle schoolers because I was in middle school once and didn't act like this. I mean, I made poor fashion choices and had the world's worst haircut, but my behavior did not make people ashamed of me.

Gia leaves in tears and says it's better than being voted off.

I have to disagree. Leaving this show in tears, in a mini-van is definitely worse than being voted off. When you're voted off you get a limo. A limo! You can't just rent a limo, you have to call ahead and stuff. Limos are fancy and classy. Mini-vans are functional.

After Gia leaves nothing exciting happens. Ames starts making moves to get Jackie to stay. People want Ella to stay because she needs the money "more." Ummm...who doesn't need $250K? Like, have you seen the Dow? And when did this show become a philanthropy project? When did they start voting based on who needs the money the most? If that was the case, they wouldn't even play they'd just donate it.

"We've held on to our integrity the whole way." --Ames

Y'all. He said that while wearing pink pants. Like, bright pink pants.

CAMe has had enough. Maybe she's had enough of the vest. Maybe she's just had enough. Whatever it is, she tells the male dentist that he can't just go around touching gUrl's boobs and works whatever waitressing skills she has to get Jackie voted off.

Watching her cry and have the gUrls comfort her was really like watching gUrls at a middle school dance. Like, really.

Jackie gets voted off. Ella should have been voted off because of her dress. I like that CAM (Michelle) just had on a T and some fake pearls.

Jackie gets in the limo. And a couple that was falling in love was split up.

Ames tells us that, he's "in love like he's never been before." Ames! Are you crazy? Three weeks ago you told us the same thing about the Dentist! Remember? You took her to that bed and breakfast, er, your mom's house? Remember?

Ames does the only thing he knows to do. He waves robotically to everyone and then gets in the limo. The door is locked and he has trouble, but eventually he gets in.

"Oh my God, they are going to make babies and I'm going to love it." --Ella

So, that was the least dramatic, yet the most dramatic exit ever.

bachelor pad: bah.

Just when you think your life can't get any worse ABC decides to make this premiere 3 hours long. Seriously. Three hours.

We spend about 9 years being re-introduced to these assholes and everyone is all, "that gUrl is crazy," "that gUrl wants to be famous," "you're so fake." It's like, yeah people, this is a television show.

It's surreal to hear crazy people call other people pieces of shit. Or to hear pieces of shit call people crazy. Pot, meet the kettle. You're both black.

"It's definitely a good astrological time for me right now." --Erica

That's what the Dow Jones said.

Who are these people?

Happy to see CAM (Crazy Ass Michelle) is back and of course, Vienna and Jake. Like, get excited America. Get excited.

Everyone standing around waiting on who is going to be next through the door is like a really, really terrible version of "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner." Except it's more like, "Why the F did you invite them to dinner?"

I'm so disturbed by the fact that these people are adults. Do they pay taxes and stuff? Do they do their own vacuuming? Can they take care of pets? Are they allowed to rent cars and not pay an extra fee?

Ella is a mother.

A mother who dresses like a stripper.

A poor stripper.

So, everyone finally arrives and everyone is expecting bombs and fireworks. Kasey spells his name with a "K" and I think someone should have protected him from that. A boy shouldn't have to spell his name like that.

Jake handles the meet and greet like a champ and then it turns to really awkward weather talk really fast. I usually save the awkward talk for minute 12 or so. They launched into about 12 seconds in.

"I can't punch him, but mentally beating the crap out of him feels really good." --Kasey

Oh, really? Wow.

Jake takes Kasey by the hand for a man-to-man talk to let him know he's there to support them as a couple. I can't think of a worse person to have pledge their support. Well, maybe Mussolini or al Qaeda. Kasey says "protect" about 37 times and then tells us he's a real and genuine person. You know how I can tell if someone's genuine or not? If they tell me they're genuine. Always a good sign.

Picking a partner from this crop of people is like picking dinner from three different types of dog food. A girl's gotta eat and a girl's gotta find a partner.

"Hooking Up" was maybe the worst thing that's ever happened on ABC. Good thing this was ABC Family, ABC! No wonder that teenager living in secret got pregnant on your watch.

What do I even say about Vienna after this? I mean, the guy's legs were blue. BLUE. And she's getting all pissy and accusing Kasey of not protecting her and well, I think just about the only thing this guy is actually poised to do is to protect someone. Why does he date her? There are less annoying gUrls out there. Surely.

So, you win a challenge and your reward is a date with Jake? Jake, the guy who screamed at his fiance on television and said, "Stop interrupting me!" Oh, sign me up!

Who knew Kasey was such a schemer. He established the "Kore 4" and look at him go. We've got a future junior senator from Muppetland on the show!

Justin shook everyone's hand, so that means it's a deal!

It's only a deal for about two minutes though. He immediately shakes hands with K4 and goes to the other group and spills every bean and lets every cat out of every bag. Rut-Ro!

Then Alli picks up a couple of beans and tells CAM and Graham all about Justin's shade tree business, which leads Kasey to say, "Kick rock dudes, you're out."

We get to the date and meet a little gUrl, who's likely to grow up and have a husband in prison for one reason or another. She cries like the little gUrl that she is over seeing Jake on the street.

It got really crazy about the time Jackeeeeeeeeee had to crawl through a window to eat her dinner. So silly. She got even sillier when she wanted to propose a toast, but the toast was actually a shot. More power to you, gUrl.

Jake tells the break-up story and nothing in me cares. Not even a little. Not even enough to rewind the part I just missed while I was in the bathroom.

"You saw that break-up special?" --Jake

Oh, wow. WOW.

There are two sides to every story, but this is a story that I wish had -45 sides. I'm so over Jake and Vienna. And I'm over Jake's little game of being some really great guy. Clearly, the shot Jackeeeeeeeeeeeeee toasted to clouded what little judgement these two have because they are considering giving the rose to Vienna...untill Jackeeeeeeee wakes up. She was drunk.

"Don't be that guy...don't make me look at you and be like, 'what?" --Gia

Been there, done that.

[I'm looking at Jake on my tv. My head is saying what?]

Who told Jake he should wear that hat? ABC, I'm talking to you! Who?

Jake gives Vienna the rose and everyone is crying. Vienna's crying, I'm crying looking at Vienna's swimsuit, Gia's crying, Jake's crying. E'erybody crying!

Jakes, the diplomat, sits down for a convo with Vienna and Kasey. Jake apologizes for yelling on tv. That's great and all, but I'd like an apology, too, Jake. But, a part of me feels like maybe he's being serious...I mean...he DID pick this gUrl out of 25 gUrls, so he must've felt something for her, right? I don't know. I can't even begin to pretend like I know how these people think.

Vienna takes Kasey out of the conversation and whispers some creepy shit in his ear. Something about marriage and babies. Then, they get naked and go to bed. These people's parents must be like, "Did you see my baby on tv? So proud!" And then they realized their baby was doing the nasty under an infrared camera. Oops, mom.

The next 45 minutes (seemed like 4 months) was just everyone arguing over how many votes they have, or think they have, or think they don't have. Kasey makes an alliance with Gia. Vienna walks in on the convo and nothing happens.

Everyone gets dressed up in their fanciest duds, if fancy means business casual wear from Target. I kid, I kid. Erica definitely got that dress from somewhere other than Target. I'm sure her spanks (spanx) are from Target though. You could see them, too, right?

Alli and Justin have a conversation about Justin playing both sides. He then takes her photo and talks to it creepily. I wonder if that necklace hurts her. It's so big. Like, bigger than my car.

So, Kasey and Vienna are scheming differently or no? They are tricking me and I don't like it. There's no way these two people are smarter than me. Maybe Kasey is tricking Gia.

If I was on a show with these people and none of them liked me there would be two things running through my head: 1. Holy shit, if these people don't like me, I must be a terrible idiot. If they don't like me, who could? OR 2. I must be a normal human being. Most people fall under the first category. I hope and pray I'd fall under the second.

Justin says he plays both sides in the real world and that this should be easy for him. I'm trying to figure out if he's telling us that he's gay. Still undecided.

I thought Blake was a dentist. That's like, a real career. Taking weeks and weeks of time off from your practice is not good for business. He must not have any patients. So, I guess technically he is a dentist, if only in title.

Finally, after all that, the rose ceremony happens. Zero surprises here: Alli and Justin go home. Justin acts like a big tool shed and won't shake anyone's hand. Way to go out with some dignity, dude. Newsflash: when you're the most arrogant asshole on a show like this, you're probably in the running for most arrogant asshole on the face of the planet. And technically, he's got North America in the bag since he's from Canada. This is not a small continent.

Alli cries to the camera and I think it's because she looked in the mirror.

Alli sums up my feelings exactly, "I'm disappointed. I'm really disappointed." Me too, me too. I'm really disappointed in myself for watching this BS.

What's a Jedi genius master?

you don't know me.

Dear Netflix,

I'd like to applaud you for providing me with hours upon hours of entertainment. I can access you on my computer, my phone or a DVD via the United States Postal Service. Yes, I spend a lot of time with you, but...who the hell do you think you are? Netflix, you don't know me! You don't know anything about me!

Netflix, I get what you're trying to do. You think "suggesting" movies for me to watch will open up my eyes to new movies and I'll feel indebted to you. But, you're wrong. You're offending me. Like, a lot.

Netflix, do you really think I would like the documentaries "Science of Dogs" or "Sea Monsters: a Prehistoric Adventure," really? I mean, be legit with me-- if you know me at all, you know I would never watch that. And why on God's green earth would you suggest "Aryan Brotherhood" for me? Do you think I'm a Nazi or something? It'd be different if it was an actual documentary on Hitler or something, but just a movie on some skinhead rednecks? This what you think I would enjoy? Is what you think I would relate to?

Oh, Netflix, you really think I'd like to see an inside look at "Disney Parks: Where Dreams Come True?" Seriously? I've never pooped a rainbow in my life. Ever. Not even close.

And. Are you suggesting I watch "CareBears: The Giving Movie" because you think I could learn something from it? Perhaps you thought to yourself, "She could really learn something from these animated bears, let's put it in her top 10 for sure."

Netflix, if you would have just taken a second to get to know a little bit about me you would know that "Wrist Cutters" is quite possibly the most hurtful and insincere movie you could ever prompt me to watch. Netflix, I don't think suicide is fun. You put this movie right next to the "Crazies." Real subtle, Netflix. Real effing subtle!

Netflix, I know it seems like I'm really coming down on you right now and maybe I am, but it's just that we've been pretty steady friends for a while now and I'd like to think that at this point in our relationship you'd know that "Whale Rider" is maybe, probably, the last movie I'd ever watch. Ever. Really?

I don't know, Netflix, I'm just saying-- get to know me a little better, eh?

This isn't over. I promise.

Signed,

lc

P.S.

You have been paying attention a little bit, because you have suggested the following movies that accurately portray my life, "I Love You, Don't Touch Me," "Revenge of the Bridesmaids," and "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes." It's these selections that make me believe you can do better. You are realizing that I don't want people to touch me, that all I ever do is attend weddings and my dating life can best be summed up by the simple fact that males have zero interest in my brown hair.

cowling.

Today is monumental for the Cowling family.

Like, mon.u.men.tal.

Today, the Cowling family became luxurious.

Today, the sofa named after my family and FOR my family debuted online at Horchow.com, a division of Neiman Marcus.

Us Cowling folk are simple folk. Hailing from England and Southwest Arkansas, we eventually spread out across the United States to live out our dreams as individuals, but today a collective dream was realized: we are classy and elegant people with a couch you'd never find in any of our homes named after us.

"Cowling" Velvet Sofa

I know what you're thinking. How? Why? The answer is simple: because. Why not? Why the hell not? When I think of all the amazing contributions my family has made to society I wonder why we don't have a whole living room set named after us and then I remind myself of our humble beginnings and how my grandfather would have never wanted any of this. No, not us, we're simple and humble. We don't need accolades.

The Cowling family just broke out of its shell.

No longer will we be kept silent. No longer will you think of Dillard's and Wal-Mart when you think of us.

Today we ride the broken back of humility all the way to the damn bank!

SHOUT OUT, Nina Sayadian, for making this dream a reality.

the bachelorette: finale.

The Dentist is continuing (and FINALLY ending) her journey through Fiji and Monday night television! She's convinced she'll get engaged tonight, but I'm looking at this episode as someone's last shot to run the hell away.

Who let Kat Von D out of the bag? Seriously. Is this sister for realS? She has naked women tattooed on her body. Her brother is a really cheap knockoff of Eminem-- sweat rag and all. Who knew the Dentist was related to so many celebrities with drug and alcohol problems? I have to respect her for keeping their identities so low-key. I'd tell everyone I was related to the brilliant man who wrote the words, "Now you get to watch her leave out the window

Guess that's why they call it 'window pane.'" And of course, "You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo." That's something you tell the world about.

Sandra Bullock had to have watched this episode and been like, "that bitch!" and then she realized it wasn't actually the woman who just recently broke up with Jesse James and stars in her TLC reality program. Right? I'm right.

"You look like a nice gentleman." --Dentist's Mom

Because her son looks like the exact opposite.

Let's talk about how the Dentist wasn't listening to anything JP was saying when he first sat down because she was really busy dabbing herself with a towel. That brother and her are two damn peas in a pod. Two peas-- one pod.

The Dentist's family immediately, via mom, invites JP into the family and then Kat Von D gets all crazy-eyed and starts into the questions.

"You're too much for him." --Dentist

She's too much for anyone.

Kitty Kat, Mom and the Dentist sit down for a heart-to-heart. The Dentist immediately cries and she has a point. Kitty Kat hadn't even talked to JP yet and she's all, "he's not for you," and all, "I'm so logistical." Where does laughter fit into logistics? I think, logistically, JP works out way better-- he's in New York. Ben's in Cali. Duh. Logistics be damned, Kat.

Following that conversation the Dentist goes to find Eminem on the beach. Eminem, if you're so hot, take the huge dark shirt off you have on! It'll save you some towel usage. Where do you think you buy a large ass shell necklace like that?

Kitty Kat and JP sit down for an official meet and greet. Basically, JP says he loves her and it's real. Kat doesn't agree, introduces herself as Frank and then tells him he's set in his ways. It was all very precious-- 'precious' if you hate your sister. Everyone's favorite part was when Kat said the Dentist seemed happier with Brad. This is where I rolled my eyes. No one would be happier with that jackass. Seriously, people would be happier with a poster of two kittens in a flower pot as a life partner.

As the sun rises over Fiji the Dentist takes a walk with her shoes in her hand. I'm glad to see that poor clothing choices happen throughout the Dentist's family. Kitty Kat has on black high heels-- at the pool. I swear I just saw a Lisa Frank tattoo.

"Stop crying!" --Kat

Yes, please.

And then, she called her a bitch.

Christmas will be a lot of fun this year.

I love that Kat's reasoning for everything is, "she's been wrong before," and that is why Kat is over the top about all this. I say: great argument.

Ben shows up.

The Dentist tells her family that she thought Ben's family would be more like her's--trashy-- but, in reality Ben's family likes to have tea in the city.

"I love dog-voice-talk." --Dentist

I could go a million years without ever hearing her dog voice again.

I feel like someone was clawing at my eyeballs.

The Kitten takes Ben to the pool and Ben tells her that he's in love without a doubt.

I just noticed Kitty's fake Chanel earrings.

It's now time for Ben's date and he's wearing a fedora. I know some people think that that's alright, but nothing in me agrees. Fedoras are not acceptable.

HERE COMES A HELICOPTER. OMG. A HELICOPTER.

"I could never see myself having a bad moment with him." --Dentist, on Ben

Umm. Reality check.

The Sexy guitar music comes on and the mud starts to get dirRty (with two Rs). He just said "lube" and "erotic." No comment. That whole scene was just beyond what should ever be on network television.

The Dentist gets really dressed down to go meet up with Ben. She puts on her favorite jorts of all-time and Ben tells her he loves the jorts, he loves her, he loves it all. Then, they make out.

JP doesn't really get a daytime date. He gets a couch on the beach. It's all "judgy-judge-Judy" talk and all I can think about is how bright JP's shirt is. So bright. The Dentist uses this as a perfect time to do some fishing and gets JP to tell her a lot of nice things. She's so good at that. Then, JP takes that towel off and they make out. Typical. So typical.

We head over to the Westin and the Dentist uses the same phrase on JP as she did Ben, "good day." You dog!

JP gives the Dentist a little gift. It's a cheap photo album he bought at the hotel gift shop. There's one photo in it and a note. Side note: this is NOT the greatest love story ever told.

Surprise of all surprises! NEIL LANE is here! Neil is kind of over-stepping his bounds, too, asking all kinds of questions and being all Chris Harrison. He should've told JP to go back to his room, change clothes and THEN he could pick out a ring. What the hell, JP?

"I just want to be there for you." --Neil Lane

Really, Neil?

Ben flies in first and we all know what that means-- LOSER.

"When you know you know." --Ben

Unless you obviously have NO clue.

Ben shows up and the Dentist just lets Ben get down on one knee. After he says a shit ton of nice things, of course. Like, gUrl, you could've saved this dude a little bit. Throw him a bone. Don't let him get down on that knee! She let him get down on his knee. And then she just stared at him, for what seemed like 2 months.

Ben is not happy. He takes one last look at the driftwood and storms off. And then we hear the word "sugarcoat" for the second time this episode. He basically yells "deuces" and rides off in a boat beyond the horizon. Seriously, where were they taking him in that damn boat? I mean, it was a wide shot. There wasn't anything near him.

JP gets his shot in between the driftwood and it goes a little smoother for him. But, not before he tricks us a little bit with yet another speech about being heartbroken. OMG. What a little baby gUrl! Who hasn't had their heart broken? Seriously, who? I mean, I'm just a blogger and I've even had a broken heart. He's kind of a bitch.

They tried to trick us, but he gets down on one knee and is all, "marry me?" And she's all, "hell yeah, boyfriend! Will you accept this rose?" What. a. leap. of. faith. I don't think he would've proposed if she hadn't said her little spiel beforehand. Seriously. JP's just like that.

And, in a touch of brilliance from the ABC producers, REO Speedwagon's "I Can't Fight This Feeling" plays over a montage of kissing and giggling scenes from the two lovebirds. There's also some straddling. She did straddle him more than any of the other boyZ. That should've been a sign.

Finally, ABC reminds us why we watch this shit by making the final line of the season, "You walked in during the first rose ceremony and were like, 'my husband is definitely in this room,' and I thought 'what the F&*@ is she talking about?'"

Brilliant.

It sums up just about every question I have: What the F&*@, y'all? How long can this show go on?