the bachelor pad: epi 2.

We start off the epi with an egg toss. But, this isn't your typical Brady Bunch egg toss, no...these are paint filled eggs that are to be thrown at a target. A human target!

"I used to play softball." --Vienna

So did every gUrl in America.

(SHOUT OUT MORGAN!)

Gia hits her first target and you'd think she just won the Super Bowl. Then it's about 15 minutes of people pelting Jake and Erica with eggs. The Erica thing really was pretty brutal. I'd probably cry a little, but then I'd take a step back from my life and say, "Erica, sweetie, this isn't real life. People were throwing eggs at your back."

Melissa and Mike win the competition.

The competition any 8-year-old boy would have dominated.

Mike takes Holly, Erica and Michelle on his date. His "scary ass" date. I swear they made a Disney movie at the abandoned hospital they were visiting. They walk around for a normal amount of time via night vision. Mike and Erica try to contact Howard Vanderbloom. Howard should probably check into HIPAA laws because his file should not be just sitting around like that. His doctor should have properly disposed of that. You can't just leave someone's medical records sitting around.

Mike and Holly get together and cry. There's a lot of liquor sitting around. They skip the white wine on Bachelor Pad, people. Straight to whiskey. I can't be certain, but I'm fairly certain that nothing really happened during Mike and Holly's convo. I mean, besides crying. Just a lot of emotions. A lot. Like, a lot.

Melissa takes Kirk, Blake and Kasey on her date.

From this point on, we will be calling Melissa, Crazy Ass Melissa. Or, CAMe. (The 'e' is to distinguish her from CAM, Crazy Ass Michelle.)

CAMe is terrifying. What's even more terrifying is the outfit Blake put on. I'm sorry, where did you get your shorts? Seriously.

Jake is seen sitting on an empty queen-size bed. He must walk around soaked in antibacterial wash. I would NEVER sit on a bed in that house that wasn't mine. It has to be soaked in STDs. Jake mopes around the house and then asks "V" for a talk. She declines the offer, as she finished off her Michelob Ultra. At this point, I'm on team Jake. I mean, yeah, the guy is a jackass and a tool, but he's trying. I use 'trying' loosely, because this is a television show. Jake spends 3/4 of the show walking around alone staring at stuff.

We get back to CAMe. She promised Kasey a rose, but made out with the male dentist and changed her mind.

Gia and Graham have a really weird strategic conversation that involved a yellow legal pad. I didn't know any of these people could read or write, so it must've been serious.

The male dentist is getting hit on by CAMe and Holly. CAMe wanders around the house yelling, "Blake? Blake?" The only thing I've ever seen more sad is my dad and brother searching for our family dog once and yelling, "Sam? Sam?" and finding him in a ditch. Like, gUrl. Come on. Self respect.

CAMe came on the show to tell people she's "a fun, nice person" (she thinks). Wrong venue, right idea. If you're trying to prove you aren't crazy, start small. Start with a dinner party and work towards 6 weeks in a home with a bunch of other people. This place could be compared to an incredibly dysfunctional halfway-house. Don't start by surround yourself with other crazy ass people, CAMe. OMG.

Jake plays Isaac for a second and throws himself on the altar for "V" and it was really sad.

"Do you think you deserve to be here?" --Kasey

What a dumb question? Who deserves to be there? If I deserved to be there, I'd seriously start questioning the decisions in my life that led me there.

"I have an e-mail. I have a phone number." --Vienna

We living in the 21st century.

Kasey and "V" reject Jake and Jake walks off. About 9 seconds later Kasey and "V" start making out.

Side note: I need Kasey to clear his throat or announce that he does have a hearing impairment because I cannot listen to his voice much longer.

And then Kasey shows us his tattoo and announces, "It's guard and protect time." Heaven help us all. Holy goodness. He made that tattoo dance, didn't he?

William announces that the vibe in the house is "awkward" and Chris starts calling people out. Chris tells Vienna that at least two doors in the house are open. I'm not sure if other doors were open or not, but he pointed at two specifically, implying that she could exit through either of them.

Chris announces that two "ladies" are going home and shit was suddenly spread all over the room via a fan.

Vienna stands up and tells everyone, "this is cheating!"

You know what's cheating? Blake counting his outfit as a good fashion choice. That's not fair. That vest wouldn't fit most 7th grade gUrls.

This is the point in the show when I start to question a lot of things. Mostly, I question if these people are real adults. The whole thing: do they pay taxes? Can they do laundry? Are they capable of turning on a stove and not burning down their home?

These people behave like cracked out middle schoolers. And that's being sweet. I feel bad comparing them to middle schoolers because I was in middle school once and didn't act like this. I mean, I made poor fashion choices and had the world's worst haircut, but my behavior did not make people ashamed of me.

Gia leaves in tears and says it's better than being voted off.

I have to disagree. Leaving this show in tears, in a mini-van is definitely worse than being voted off. When you're voted off you get a limo. A limo! You can't just rent a limo, you have to call ahead and stuff. Limos are fancy and classy. Mini-vans are functional.

After Gia leaves nothing exciting happens. Ames starts making moves to get Jackie to stay. People want Ella to stay because she needs the money "more." Ummm...who doesn't need $250K? Like, have you seen the Dow? And when did this show become a philanthropy project? When did they start voting based on who needs the money the most? If that was the case, they wouldn't even play they'd just donate it.

"We've held on to our integrity the whole way." --Ames

Y'all. He said that while wearing pink pants. Like, bright pink pants.

CAMe has had enough. Maybe she's had enough of the vest. Maybe she's just had enough. Whatever it is, she tells the male dentist that he can't just go around touching gUrl's boobs and works whatever waitressing skills she has to get Jackie voted off.

Watching her cry and have the gUrls comfort her was really like watching gUrls at a middle school dance. Like, really.

Jackie gets voted off. Ella should have been voted off because of her dress. I like that CAM (Michelle) just had on a T and some fake pearls.

Jackie gets in the limo. And a couple that was falling in love was split up.

Ames tells us that, he's "in love like he's never been before." Ames! Are you crazy? Three weeks ago you told us the same thing about the Dentist! Remember? You took her to that bed and breakfast, er, your mom's house? Remember?

Ames does the only thing he knows to do. He waves robotically to everyone and then gets in the limo. The door is locked and he has trouble, but eventually he gets in.

"Oh my God, they are going to make babies and I'm going to love it." --Ella

So, that was the least dramatic, yet the most dramatic exit ever.