happy holiday.

This morning, I ventured over to a little donut shop near my apartment. It was appropriately called "Donuts." Upon receiving my donuts and paying, the woman behind the counter looked at me with a huge smile and said, "Happy holiday!" 

I walked out and said, "You, too!"

Seems simple enough, but really it's the most complicated conversation I've had in weeks. 

What holiday was supposed to be happy and what holiday was left out? She just said holiday. 

I take great offense to people who worm their way out of wishing others a "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Hanukkah" by saying "Happy Holidays!" Contrary to popular belief it's not an all-encompassing salutation. It's confusing and vague. 

I've never been to a "holiday" party where all holidays were given attention. But, I've been to several Christmas parties or New Year's parties. If I was Jewish I'd probably go to a lot of Hanukkah events. I wouldn't be offended by an invitation to have a "Happy Hanukkah," I'd just try really hard to have a very happy Hanukkah even though I have no idea how to go about that.

I often wonder if people are offended when I tell them to have a great Flag Day or a wonderful St. Patrick's Day?

What if people started saying "Happy Holidays" on MLK Day, which is also typically on or around Robert E. Lee's birthday? Now, that's offensive, people. 

Maybe we should never wish a happy holiday of any sort on anyone ever again. That. OR, change the meaning of "Happy Holidays" to legitimately mean "Happy holiday ever celebrated ever, religious or otherwise." If religious, throw in an "amen" at the end and you are truly covered. 

Holiday greetings that could be offensive to you and yours:

"Happy Stephen Foster Memorial Day!"

Don't even!

"Have a good Arbor Day!"

Do you even know what a tree did to me once?

"Hope your Groundhog's Day  is full of groundhogs!"

Screw you!

"Please celebrate Mardi Gras responsibly!"

Are you kidding? Responsibly?!

"Happy Mother's Day!"

Are you sick? I'm not even a mom!

MERRY CHRISTMAS, internetS.

Cowling Family Christmas 1999
Very offensive, indeed.