the bachelor:: ben: epi 5.

Ben has 11 women left with him in Puerto Rico and within 18 seconds he calls the experience, "perfect." I haven't watched yet, but there's no way that could be true! Perfect? I have my doubts, Ben. I have my doubts.

Ben arrives in a pretty purple airplane and I think it's my first time to ever see a purple airplane.

The gUrls seemed to have arrived via boat, much like some Cuban refugees arriving in Miami.

"Puerto Rico does it better!!!!!!!!!!!" -- Some gUrl
You're welcome, Puerto Rico. You didn't even have to pay for that advertising campaign.

Chrissy Poo welcomes the gUrls to PR and let's them know the date situation. Immediately after this Nicki learns that she's the "LUCKY" recipient of the first one-on-one date. In a great turn of events, he sent the card in Spanish and no one could read it.

Then, The Model goes on a rampage, only speaking in metaphors and cliches, about Emily being on her shit list. What's really funny about that is that, The Model is on MY shit list! I mean, what are the odds?! So, she better watch HERSELF.

Nicki picks out the ugliest dress in her closet. Being from the Metroplex myself, I'm quite confident she bought that dress at a TJ Maxx in Irving. She seems way over-dressed in comparison to Ben.

AND HOLY CRAP A HELICOPTER.
I DID NOT SEE THIS COMING.
A HELICOPTER?! WHERE DID THEY GET THAT?

"Nicki was married before and now she's divorced and that was serious to her." --Ben
Oh, wow. There's a profound statement.


"It's like God is smiling down on us right now." --Nicki
You are the only one that feels that way at this very moment. Trust me.


It started raining and stuff started getting silly after they made out in an alley! The two crazies took off their shoes and walked the streets of a foreign country shoeless! SHOELESS. Shoes are there to protect your feet from diseases and stuff, people. If they had any open wounds on their feet, they are donesies!

Ben and Nicki then picked up some "authentic" Puerto Rican clothes and again, Nicki picked out the ugliest thing ever. It's like she got a table cloth, cut it into a triangle and then got a dog collar and called it a dress.

THEN, NICKI COMPARED HER DATING RELATIONSHIP TO A WALL.

Ben said he had some "Latin swagger," while looking like a sad drug dealer and I was super offended and I'm nowhere near being Latin.

The dinner portion of the date began and Ben had on suspenders, just for the sake of having suspenders on. They are just hanging off of his pants. What a sad day for suspenders and fashion.

I cannot even talk about Ben's hair, because I've never seen anything like that before.

Nicki starts talking about her past and her divorce and Ben is like, "What do you even do? Do you do couples' therapy?" And. He's an idiot.

The other "ladies" are sitting around fighting about group dates and one-on-one dates. Well, Blakeley and Elyse are fighting, the others are just rolling their eyes. Kind of like me!

Nicki thinks CERTAIN people deserve second chances. But, not all people? Ben agrees and gives her the rose.

"I like learning things about you." --Ben
Saddest "compliment" ever.


Nicki seems to think that things "can be perfect" and I got even more sad than I was before because, well... things can't be perfect and YOU'RE ON A REALITY TV SHOW.

Next, we move on to the group date portion of the evening and in a twist! they learn they are playing baseball on a baseball diamond, not digging for diamonds.

The "ladies" are all wearing the tiniest "shorts" in existence and it's a sad day for dads everywhere as they watch their daughters "play" baseball wearing basically nothing.

Blakeley lets everyone know that she's "super athletic" and that she played in high school and college. She doesn't tell us what she played, but just that she did play. So, on that note, I guess I played in college, too, because well, I did play intramurals and stuff.

Also, Blakeley's southern drawl just come out of nowhere and she got all country ghetto.

We learn that there's going to be a baseball game and the winners get to spend the remainder of the evening on the beach with Ben!!!!!!!! TWIST.

Ben chooses Lindzi to play on both teams and gets the automatic invite to the after-party. I've decided that Lindzi is alright. Yes, her obsession with horses is too much for me, as an adult, but overall she doesn't seem catty or terrible and like she might have a decent attitude. This could all change next week.

The "ladies" go change into their uniforms and I'm quite confident the "uniforms" were borrowed from a group of six-year-olds. They are really small articles of clothing.

Ben just looks like a tool wearing that full-fledged uniform PLUS a wrist band. Plus a wrist band, Ben?

The bottom of the 2nd inning was Blakeley's time to shine and I'm not just talking about her bare-midriff. She caught like, two fly balls and even fell once while cussing! Just like a real baseball player!

"Defense your ass off." --Kacie, to The Model
I'm not sure that's the way to say it?


Shockingly, two innings just aren't enough for these ladies.

It was a sad day for baseball.

The accountant strikes out. The Blue team loses and they don't get to go to the beach with Ben.

Somewhere during the course of events someone told the Blue team they were playing for world peace, millions of dollars and their pride because their reaction to the loss was legitimately the most pathetic thing I've ever seen.

Blakeley cried and cried and cussed and cussed.

Then, the losers got on a school bus and the winners got on, shockingly, a HELICOPTER.

The Model spoke into the camera for 30 seconds and did not have one original thought about baseball.
Seriously, not one. It's like she watched a couple of baseball movies before her interview or something.

Kacie B. gets the rose.

BUT. It's not over yet.

The Model takes Ben away to the ocean and in another proud moment for fathers everywhere she brings up the idea of going skinny dipping, while airing her side boob to the world.

Elyse is like, super nervous for the date. So, we can blame her outfit choices on her nerves?

Ben takes Elyse on a boat, on the water (seriously, that's what he said) and that's where he dropped his Dentist mention for the epi.

We learn that she gave up her job to be on the show AND that she skipped her best friend's wedding to be on the show. And that she's done EVERYTHING that she wants to do. Basically, she told Ben, "I wanted to go to Target, I did that. I wanted to get my oil changed, I did that. I wanted to get HBO and other movie channels, I did that. I wanted to get my concealed handgun license, I did that. I wanted to get my Master's, I did that." Folks, she really has done it all.

If I was getting married and one of my best friends skipped out on my wedding for this, I would want them to drown after they jumped off the mega yacht. Luckily for me, about the time my wedding rolls around my friends will be having grandchildren, so it's not a huge source of anxiety for me.

"I want to get engaged. I want to get married." --Elyse
She wants it all, Ben!


Ben picks up the rose like he's about to make a really sweet speech and instead, he sends her packing. Right back to the Jersey Shore. Seriously, she looks like she belongs on MTV on Thursday night. her dress, her hair, her earrings, her accent.

WHERE DO YOU EVEN BUY A DRESS LIKE THAT?
I don't think I could find that dress even if I typed, "ugly dress" into a Google search.
She had to look for that thing.

They take a stroll along the water. Naturally.

"I just don't know what I did wrong." --Elyse, mumbling
"What? What's that?" --Ben
"I just don't know what I did wrong."
"You didn't do anything wrong!"
Elyse, I can tell you what you did wrong! You came on this stupid show thinking you were going to fall in love and instead you quit your job, skipped your best friend's wedding and looked terrible all while NOT falling in love. That's what you did wrong.


In a real tug-at-your-heart-strings-moment, David Gray's "This Year's Love" starts playing as Elyse is crying and Ben is continuing his walk on the beach.

Ben looks out over the ocean and throws the rose into the ocean.
Sad day for roses and for David Gray.

And Ben's tuxedo?
I just can't even go there right now.

"Another one bites the dust." --The Model
Not only is that not her original thought, but she said that like, two epis ago. She's recycling unoriginal thoughts from her other monologues now. 


About this time, The Model sneaks off to meet Ben in his hotel room. She makes more advances than George Meade's Union forces at Gettysburg (look it up) and offers him wine, a massage, shows him her boob and then says, "Let's go to the beach, we can have some fun and we can definitely do something else out there if we're feeling frisky."

She still has her clothes on and I'm confident her father has to be the saddest human on the planet at this point.

The clothes come off, they head into the water and then I became the saddest person on the planet. Is this what gUrls think they have to do to find a man? Really? This is the world I live in?

: (

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!


Ben says he feels "crappy" about what happened and I just find myself hoping that he has six daughters someday.

Ben used the word "rad" when talking to the Accountant.
They are so boring. He is so boring.

"I think he's perfect." --The Accountant
CAN THESE PEOPLE NOT SEE HIS HAIR?


Blakeley has "a lot" to tell Ben. Mainly that she "deserves it." Not entirely sure what she means because she didn't really say anything, but Ben seemed to think she "opened up," so I guess she wins out.

Of course, The Model finds a way to bring skinny dipping into the conversation. Of course.

Emily gets some alone time on the beach with Ben and she's all pouring out her heart and Ben just gives her a blank stare.

"I know there's some weird shit going on." --Emily


Ben tells her to drop it and tread lightly.
Oopsies!

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ben gives some lame-o speech about closing up and opening up and decisions.

Emily gets the final rose of the evening and I'm sad. I want to scream at her, "EMILY, you're getting a PhD! Run! Run!" But, no...she's still around and still on The Model's shit list.

The Accountant gets the boot. Not shocking. Two boring people don't make for good TV.

She doesn't even get sent away in a limo. She gets sent away in a Jeep Wrangler.
Sad day for accountants.

She cries so hard she gets hiccups. gUrl, go back to Oklahoma and crunch some numbers! You're better off.

Ben tells the "ladies" that they are headed to Panama City, Panama and I swear the look on most of their faces said, "I went there once on spring break! Oh, wait...that's a country?"

Until Spring Break '12...

sotu.

Ah, what's better than a man standing before 435 people (plus cabinet members, judges and special guests) of mixed races and mixed parties sharing his dreams and goals for a nation? Umm... the fashion (pant suits! tie choices!), the ass-kissing, the cliches, the FORMER REAL WORLD CAST MEMBERS NOW SERVING IN CONGRESS. Yes, all of those things are what make this night, one of the greatest nights of the year.

Let's start with Sean Duffy getting some screen time. This guy used to be on MTV's The Real World in Boston, now he's a US Representative serving Wisconsin's 7th district. Real World? Talk about moving up in the real world. Google him. I think he even did one of the challenges once.

Gabby Giffords: are you kidding me? Tears. Tears streaming down my face. Big tears, small tears. All kind of tears. She's a hero. She's incredible. Let's name a building after her.

Let's try to hit the high points.

I think Hillary Clinton's longer hair is nice. It makes her softer. It also screams, "I don't give a crap." She went with a subtle pantsuit this year in comparison to her usual tribute to Dixie Carter in years past.

Joe Biden wasted zero time in blowing his nose on television. Obama barely started talking before Biden blew and before Obama got his first standing ovation. The big three all went with pretty regular tie choices. Last year they all went with a purple hue. I liked Biden's the best.

According to Obama the defining issue of our time is how to keep the American dream alive. I'm all for that! Let's keep this ship sailing, son!

Loved the Detroit shout out. I think the American auto industry is back. I mean, have you seen the Chrysler commercials lately? I'm in. Get me whatever Dr. Dre is driving!

This kind of got me, "What’s happening in Detroit can happen in other industries. It can happen in Cleveland and Pittsburgh and Raleigh." Maybe it's because I'm from the south and when I think of Raleigh I think of trees and pretty things and when I think of Cleveland and Pittsburgh I think of the exact opposite of trees and pretty things, but these cities should not be in the same category. Just saying.


Bringing jobs home.  I'm all for this! He made a few points about tax breaks and helping businesses re-set up shop in America. But, there was no mention of how any of this was going to happen. "And if you want to relocate in a community that was hit hard when a factory left town, you should get help financing a new plant, equipment, or training for new workers." Great idea! Where's the money coming from to do that? Let me know, POTUS!


Real question: Where do they find the random citizens with comeback stories featured sitting with Michelle? 


Education. Some lofty ideas with nothing ready to go to make any of them happen. 


"At a time when Americans owe more in tuition debt than credit card debt, this Congress needs to stop the interest rates on student loans from doubling in July." As one of these people, I hope this happens. I've certainly enjoyed the tax break the last two years. Also, real question: is it really possible to rack up that much credit card debt? I mean, what are you people buying? My education debt started out in the 20k range, the same price as a decent car. Did you buy a car on a credit card? A shit ton of boots? What? I really need to know. 


"You see, an economy built to last is one where we encourage the talent and ingenuity of every person in this country." I rarely feel encouraged by this economy or by my government. : (


"Of course, the easiest way to save money is to waste less energy." Well, now you just sound like my Dad!


"During the Great Depression, America built the Hoover Dam and the Golden Gate Bridge." HISTORY LESSON! I wish there would've been a slide show. Instead, we just got to see members of congress looking rather glum. : (


"An America built to last insists on responsibility from everybody." This coming from a Democrat? Does this mean Welfare is ending?


"I will not back down from protecting our kids from mercury pollution..." THANK GOD, right?! It's like, finally! Somebody wants to stand up against mercury pollution. I was super tired of cancer getting so much press. 

"Now, you can call this class warfare all you want. But asking a billionaire to pay at least as much as his secretary in taxes? Most Americans would call that common sense." Yeah, yeah, yeah I get it. But, they kept showing shots of this lady-- looked fine to me! I mean, I don't know her life, but her suit looked nicer than Hillary's.  Just saying. 

"Washington is broken. Can you blame them for feeling a little cynical?" No! I think that's where you come in though, sir!

"The point is, we should all want a smarter, more effective Government." That's the point? Why didn't you lead with that? YES and AMEN.

"I have already sent this Congress legislation that will secure our country from the growing danger of cyber-threats." Thank God, I do not want anyone cyber-bullying ME or MY GOVERNMENT. I really hope this means no more e-mails from my friends in London being held at knife-point. 

"Those of us who’ve been sent here to serve can learn from the service of our troops. When you put on that uniform, it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white; Asian or Latino; conservative or liberal; rich or poor; gay or straight." Heaven help a President that basically quotes Lady Gaga. There's no turning back now, kids. The damage is done. 

No, it gets worse, "This Nation is great because we worked as a team. This Nation is great because we get each other’s backs." Get each other's backs? You really just said that to me? You really want me to believe that?

Suggestions:

Before introducing ideas/goals that make people really happy or really sad, have an actual plan in place to get the thing done. Give people an actual reason to be really happy or sad, not just words. 

More face time for the Real World guy.

Red carpet walk through for members of Congress to be aired later on E! and reviewed by the fashion police. 

Make people sit in alphabetical order or just draw names out of a hat for seating arrangements. 

More close-ups of John Kerry's black eyes.

SHOUT OUTS to people who fall asleep. Hello, we elected these people! If I can stay awake through this thing, they should be taking freakin' notes!

No more standing ovations, unless it's for the military or Gabby Giffords or something else very American and worthwhile. 

The President should ride in on a horse. 

We should get to vote on the cabinet member that stays behind in case of an explosion and everyone in line to succeed POTUS dies. I'm sorry, if this happens and we're left with the Secretary of Agriculture running the country, I'm going to be PIST. We need to make sure someone awesome is standing back. So, as long as Hillary is serving, she gets my vote. 

Slideshows! Please! Of the country, baby pictures of Congress, infrastructure projects! Anything!

And. I'd like an update on all the BS from last year's SOTU. Right? Race to the top?! Anyone?!

the bachelor: ben:: epi 4.

After the 4-minute preview and 37-minute recap we get our first helicopter of the season. TTGL (Thank the Good Lord)!

Ben wants the gUrls to "experience the outdoors" because he went outside with his grandpa once. Me too and stuff, but like, for dating? No, please. No.

Nicki is starting to make me think she has a drug problem or that maybe she's on anti-depressants. She's very up and down emotionally and she always looks like she just left a really intense Black Friday sale at JC Penney or something.

Kacie B. thinks Park City is the perfect place to fall in love...BUT...what about Antigua and Thailand?!?! And Hong Kong?!

I love that after all of these years the Producers still try to make Chrissy Poo Harrison feel important by letting him explain the rules every episode. That's love.

Rachel gets the one-on-one and much like her "communication issues," it's a disaster. (Kacie B. is CRYING. Someone is always crying on this damn show.)

"I just hope I can get through this." -- Kacie B.
I say that at the beginning of every epi!!!!!


People are so jealous of that helicopter. Clearly, as much as they are on this show, they aren't hard to rent. Get one, ladies!

Ben and Rachel head straight for the canoe and it's now, officially, the worst date ever. A canoe? Ok, kayaking would've been worse.

"I definitely haven't felt like this since my last relationship." --Rachel
Crickets...crickets...yeah... I think that's how romantic feelings work?


We pop champagne!

Unfortunately, that champagne doesn't help them or me. So boring! There was a lot of awkward silence. Some bad hair on Ben's part and a lot of chugging champagne. The picnic and champagne was so bad they skip most of the footage and head straight to the dinner scene and the rose.

"I kind of hate opening up." --Rachel
Good luck, kid!


Group date card time!!!!!!!

Kacie B. has a weirdly positive, but terrifyingly invested attitude about this whole thing. Right?

We get our first glimpse of the Model and within seconds she drops bombs like, "I blossom when I'm around him" and a really neat, what I'm guessing might be a model look to the camera.

Ben starts having a serious convo with Rach and she looks away and says, "this fire is hot." Unfortunately, I don't think she was speaking metaphorically about the fire between them, but the actual fire in the room. Ben can trust his gut, but Rachel isn't good at communication. In fact, she's so bad at it, while she was explaining that she was bad at communicating, Ben had to stop and ask her what she was saying she was bad at. Oopsies! 


We got our first mention of the Dentist at the 24-minute mark.

Rachel, somehow, gets the rose! Proving that roses are not significant in this man's life. They get some "sChmores" and kiss. I don't ever want a smore again, but hey! That's just me talking.

Group date time!!!


Ben rides out to the "ladies" on a horse and I swear, he had to have crapped his pants when he crossed that creek on that horse. I hit "rewind" on the ole DVR at least four times to get a look at his face. Priceless. He's trying to be all rugged while riding a horse, in designer jeans, but then craps his pants! Oopsies! 


Of course, Lindzi, is fah-reaking out over the damn horse. I mean, cool. A horse! I thought most gUrls went through the horse phase at the same time that most gUrls go through their Barbie phase? No?

Ben wants to take the gUrls horseback riding.

I almost always go to Anthropologie before I get on a horse.

The horses led them to a fly-fishing excursion. Not only have the gUrls never done it, but I'm fairly certain that Ben's not really an avid fisherman either. Like, maybe he did this once one he was 12 or 13. You know, with his grandpa! Outdoors!

The Model, again, goes all cliche and metaphor on us and doesn't have one original thought during her spiel on "catching a man and a making a move and stepping up your game, while having your eye on the prize."

Kacie B. great left arm placement on Ben's back!  That's the move the Model was talking about! Way to keep your eye on the prize!

The model coerces Ben into walking eight feet up stream away from the other ladies and she's acting like she won a damn gold medal. Or that she just invented fire. gUrl, you asked him to walk away from the group to try and catch a fish! That's actually what you should do when you fish!

The other gUrls quit fishing and start drinking. A page right out of my own book!

The convo between Ben and the Model was getting super spicy while talking about (dijon/spicy) mustard.

She caught a fish. And there was a weird moment of kissing and screeching. And then the Model carried the fish around for the next 5 minutes and let it die a slow, slow death.

Cocktails and the group date!!!

Casey S. wore a Lady Gaga jacket to the party. It was weird. She had on really fancy shoulder pads and Ben had on a hoodie. That works.

Nicki interrupts and gets the first super dramatic music undertone of the season by telling Ben her boss died. Not even her cousin or something. Then, Ben shares a sad story and now! They are connected! Kiss! Bond!

Samantha rolls in and starts bitching at Ben about only going on group dates. Ben looks like he wants to slap a ho, but instead he tells her he sees no connection and blahblahblah, "I think you're emotional and not serious. I can't justify giving you a one-on-one...I don't see this going any further, I think we should end this right now." Oh, snap! Damn! gUrl, you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here!

"Oh no, coming in hot." --The Model
Another cliche, but brilliantly placed. 


Ben has the decency to walk her out, only making it more awkward. Through the tears and goodbyes she grabs her bright pink suitcase and rides off into a cold, dark night.

"Another one bites the dust." --The Model
Seriously...just say something you thought of! Just once.


Kacie B. gets to go back to Ben's suite and her left boob is hanging out the whole time. I guess Ben likes that. I think she's a little drunky. I mean, look at her eyes.

The Model sits alone on a couch and steals Ben away to the upstairs fireplace where they have the most uncomfortable kiss I've ever seen in my life before the Model gives some speech about feelings and "losing sight" of them as a couple. To help her regain her sight Ben gives her the rose.

People are PIST.
I'm indifferent, because I'm smart enough to never put myself in a situation like that.

The Accountant (Jennifer?) leaves for her one-on-one date with Ben wearing only jeans, a sweater and a bright yellow bikini. Naturally.

The two repel down a crater in their bathing suits and then tread water at the bottom of the crater for a few minutes. Must have been boring because we only see about 40 seconds of it.

The two take a ski lift down the mountain and check out deer. And lightning.

"I feel very special right now." --The Accountant

Ben, over the thunder in the background, asks about Jennifer's past relationship history. Ben wants a needy woman and then asks an ACCOUNTANT if her schedule is structured. BEN, DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN ACCOUNTANT DOES? OR HAVE YOU EVER EVEN MET AN ACCOUNTANT? What a dumb question.

The rain is so romantic!
I'm bored!

"The interaction I've had with her, she just seems really normal." --The Model, on the Accountant
Oh, wow. What an insult. 


Is that gUrl getting her hair dyed while someone is boozing? Disaster.

She gets the rose. They go to a country music concert. Because, you know-- country music is outdoorsy.

Cocktail party time!!!!!!

The Model knows people are talking about her.

How did Monica get those in that dress? Real question.

Emily compares the model to a marble statue. Which, is valid because she was posing with that rose by the fire like a statue. A cold one!

Emily gets one-on-one time with Ben and against Chrissy Poo's advice, tells him about the Model. Ben tells Emily she's gonna go crazy. Oops! I think she's already there. They all are! Well, minus the Accountant. She's "normal" according to the craziest gUrl on the show.

It's during this time that we learn that Casey S. is a few bricks shy of a load by defending the Model.

"She's so cool." --Casey S. 
Poor gUrl. Stuck in high school wanting to be friends with the pretty gUrl. 


Casey runs to tell the Model everything Emily said to Ben. She made some really weird faces at the camera like, "Watch this camera!"

"I'm a nice person, don't F with me." --The Model
That's how most nice people operate. 


The Model gets ready to confront Emily by making crazy eyes at everyone.

Then, Kacie B. says she has learned more about herself over the last two weeks than ever before. The Model has not. She knows herself really well.

The Model is ready to throw down with Emily. Here's a brief summary of what (I think) she said, "You know why I'm laughing. [giggle] My guard is up with you, you talked BAD about me with Ben. Oh, I'm up on it! It's not a good look. You shit in your own hat with me. You're on my list! Good look! Good look! Winning!"

People are still quoting Charlie Sheen? And what does shitting in your own hat mean?

"I'm not used to people being rude to me." --Emily
Where do you live?! I want to go to there!


ROSE CEREMONY!!!!

Zero surprises here... Monica and her tiny dress get sent home. You know, Monica's alright. She started off on the crazy train, but kind of leveled out by this episode and most of the gUrls seemed to like her. So, I hope she does really well consulting dentists. Or consulting patients for dentists. Or. What the hell IS a dental consultant?

This is the point in the show where Ben makes a toast and tells the gUrls where the gang is headed next. Usually, at this point, the drama is over and I'm already fast-forwarding. Oh, not so fast with the remote there, gang!

Greatest moment in Bachelor TV, ever. 

Ben: We're heading to Somewhere hard to say, Puerto Rico!!!!
gUrls: SCREAMING!!!!!!! Cheers!
[silence]
The Model: [begrudgingly] I was just there two months ago.
Ben: Well... we're going back.
gUrls: More screaming!!!!!!!


Man, those previews for next week look family friendly, eh?
Until then!







Here's the video of the greatest moment in Bachelor TV, ever. Start it around the 5:50 mark and enjoy.

the bachelor:: ben: epi 3.

After a 14-minute long recap, we dive right in to the longest 2 hours of television.

I had a little DVR trouble throughout the episode, so I began with Emily and Benji beginning their trek up the Bay Bridge. 


Oh, ABC, it never gets old. Right? Find the gUrl's biggest fear, make her do it, propel gUrl and boy to say things too soon. It's perfection!

Benji deals with the panic by quoting "Top Gun." Technically, I only heard one quote, but it was one too many.

Meanwhile, the other gUrls are watching them on their date through a telescope. NORMAL.

"Holy hell, what am I doing here?" --Emily
I can't believe this is the first time she's asked that. Period. 


Benji wanted Emily to be more comfortable and secure in the ascent up the bridge, so DUH, he kissed her. That solves most fears of heights.

"A bridge takes two things that are separate and brings them together." --Emily
Webster couldn't have said it better. 


Emily and Benji head to dinner and they start discussing their fears.

"I've had some pretty abysmal dating experiences." --Emily
YEAH. THIS ONE.


I really think Benji might be one of the more boring people on television.
EVER.

Her two biggest fears in life are rejection and heights?
Calling bluff, gUrl!

GROUP DATE CARD TIME.
The gUrls try to guess what a leap is. No one guessed correctly.
A leap is like a jump. It is a jump.
One gUrl said it was running with bulls! What a silly billy!!!!!!!!

Emily gets the rose, because she "just gets it."
I tend to disagree.
Especially because she described every single thing that happened as perfect.
How'd she forget that part of the day where she crapped her pants while climbing up a bridge?
Maybe it was the perfect place to crap her pants? Crap with a view?

GROUP DATE TIME. 
Turns out... they are going snow skiing...in bikinis!!!!!!!!

That crazy Ben and ABC put some snow down a city street and BOOM, snow skiing in bikinis!!!

"San Francisco is like, a really busy community." --Monica
Yeah. It's almost (almost) like a city. 


Precious lil' Kacie B. almost died about 19 times. Ben liked it. I thought it was pathetic.

The next one-on-one date card comes and it's a key to the city. All the gUrls keep saying, "It's so pretty. It's beautiful." And it wasn't. It's very much an ugly necklace from Claire's. Brittney gets the date and she's so un-enthused it's comical. She's torn and confused. And long story, short: she's heading home. Her heart's just not in. DEUCES!


"It's a cool scene. It rains." --Benji


Ben pulls this one gUrl aside and it took me about 4 minutes to learn her name. She complimented him more than he's probably ever been complimented in his life. They kissed. And we learn the way to his heart.

Kacie B. is frustrated and we get our first glimpse of a gUrl questioning her feelings and Ben's intentions and BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH. They kiss and it's fine.

NICE VEST, BEN.
Did you steal that from a baby?

"She sparkles." --Benji
Now she's a unicorn?!


Blakeley's earrings look like a dead raven is hanging off of each ear.
Edgar Allan Poe would be like, "DAYUM."


MORE DVR PROBLEMS. 
We meet back up with Lindzi and Ben's one-on-one date. 


Much to Lindzi's dismay, a streetcar picks them up instead of a horse.

Ben shows her all things San Fran via the streetcar and the two get some ice cream. Before dinner?!
We also learn that it's not a real streetcar, it's a bus disguised as a streetcar.

Lindzi and Ben head inside to the City Hall. He uses the Neil Lane designed key to unlock the door. The lights come on. Matt Nathanson's worst moment of his career begins. Ben and Lindzi dance. Kind of terribly. And they kiss. They kiss a lot.

The date is NOT over. The two head to a secret room behind a secret door in a restaurant. They have to be starving at this point.

"I'd like to know why you're still single." --Ben
No. No. No. NO.
Do not ever ask a gUrl that. It's not a compliment. It's just not. 


Side note: So far, Ben has mentioned his proposal to The Dentist every 14 minutes this show has been on the air. 


Lindzi gets the rose. Because she's a "complete woman." As opposed to...?

Ben takes her to a piano store and he plays that sad, sad, sad David Gray song. Again. But, then, we can't really tell if Ben played it or if it was dubbed over. ABC is always tricking me. ALWAYS.

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME. 
It's at this point in the show that hell is about to break loose.
Normally, it's because everyone is drinking and wearing ugly dresses.
Tonight, it's because Shawntel, the funeral director, is on her way in to profess her love to Benji.
More on that later. 


Ben starts off the night by kissing the Accountant. This is the first gUrl he has time with. So, that's good that he started off like that.

He then moves on to  a newlywed type game with that one gUrl. I think it's Nicki. I still don't know these people's names.

Courtney's emotions start to get the best of her and her face ALMOST moved.

"I don't have an opinion on other people's shenanigans." --Lindzi
Oh. I do. OOPSIES. 


Again, the Model's cliches come out full-force.

"Courtney has a social disorder." --Emily
Sounds right. 

She takes her social disorder to the library that JFK used to take Marilyn Monroe to. Turns out, it's not a library, but a balcony. And I'm sure he took her outside for things. Because their relationship wasn't a secret at all.

"I see you and I light up. And I'm like, I'm dealing with all the drama and I can handle it. It's worth it to me. I can carry the weight... I didn't expect to feel this way... We have such a strong connection." -- The Model 
Seriously? Seriously?! She had to have just watched clips from old seasons of this show, right? She did not have a single original thought during any part of the conversation. Not one. How is that even possible?


WHO IS THAT?
Enter Shawntel. 
There's so much to say about this little situation because, well. It's all fabricated. I'm sure Ben and Shawntel did meet and did enjoy each other's company at some point. I'm sure ABC knew this. Shawntel doesn't live far from San Fran, ABC called her up, offered her some cash and BOOM. We have new drama on a really old cyclical show. Shawntel never seemed bat shit crazy (BSC) on Brad's season. That type of crazy doesn't just happen over night, it's always in you. 


She sits Ben down and tells her about their connection and leaves it at, "you can give me a rose if you want." So, not that bold of a move, really. Because that's the premise of the whole damn show! He can give anyone a rose that he wants! (How do people KEEP missing this?!?!)

Ben is in shock. The other gUrls are PIST. The Producers are giddy.
We're all still watching.

Ben asked the other gUrls to be gracious and welcoming.
They weren't.

That gUrl with the terrible Midwestern accent just screamed, "YOU DON'T KNOW BEN!" I would argue that point to everyone... does anyone really know Ben at this point? You're all fighting over a man you watched fall "in love" with another gUrl on another season of this stupid show. You know that, right? This situation isn't even as normal as meeting a person online.

The Model is worried and upset.
Everyone thinks it's unfair and is prepared to leave.

DRAMA.
TEARS.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME.


I can't be certain, but I think every gUrl gave the ultimatum, "If Ben gives her a rose...I'm leaving!" Way to be your own people, people.

"Love is possible. This experience is working." --Ben
We must be watching two different "experiences."


The Model accepts the rose even though she saw Ben talk to "what's her butt."

Casey S. spent about 4 minutes getting ready for this party. Her hair looks like mine after an 8th grade basketball game, which though I have great hair is NOT a compliment.

Nicki is still crying.
Still.

"It's just not ok." --Nicki


"On a scale of 1 to 10, I'm going to throw up." -- gUrl

We're down to the final rose and OH SHIT. Someone feels nauseous. OH SHIT. That gUrl needs to sit down. She is going to pass out! She falls down! Everyone is nervous. Ben barely flinches and says, "Can we get some water?" Like, he didn't even raise his voice or his eyebrows or anything.

You have to admire Benji for not getting caught up in the drama.

Erica stands back up.
Ben launches back into his speech. He's flattered that Shawntel put it all on the line to find love.

HOWEVER, NO ONE GETS THE FINAL ROSE.
NO ONE GETS THE FINAL ROSE!
TWIST!

So many smirks across the faces of the "ladies."

That gUrl needs to sit down again!

He walks Shawntel out.
Shawntel cries to the camera.
Her dignity? Oh, well. It no longer exists.

Benji announces to the gUrls that they will be traveling to Park City, Utah! I'm guessing most people don't even know where that is. Minus the two gUrls from Utah. But, they all act super excited. So, that was neat.

I think the internetS should know that I watch this show each and every week without drinking any alcohol. I don't know how much longer I can keep that up. Just saying.

Until next week's tragedy...