the bachelor: ben:: epi 2.

We open up this week's epi with a 24-minute recap of last week's disaster.

Ben's moving a little fast by already taking the "ladies" up to Sonoma, his hometown. He has "incredible memories" of growing up there, so it's important to share that with some total FREAKIN' strangers. Perfect.

"Is this real life?" --gUrl
No. No. No, this is a television show.

Kacie B. (GAH, there's more than one) gets the first date and she calls herself the luckiest gUrl alive, but clearly she's using that phrase loosely.

"I hope she's the appropriate woman for this date." --Ben
Too many comments.

Ben takes her on a stroll and they go work on some duets. I think before Ben works on anything he should work on his hair. That is a personal opinion. Then, they head into a toy store. I'm fairly certain the toy store stayed open just for them.

I'm so bored. This date is so boring. The highlight of Ben's night was learning that Kacie B. used to twirl a baton (she could've just said she was a majorette). He must have talked for 19 hours about living in Northern California.

The group date card comes and I can just hear that whistle blowing. The crazy train is about to roll through.

Kacie B. gets a rose and I'm surprised I saw it because my eyes were open, but I'm certain I was asleep.
Oh, I'm so glad I woke up. Shit show time! I mean, family movie time! Ben acts genuinely interested. That was sweet, I mean, if it's not creepy to watch family movies together on your first date. Which, it kind of is.

Group date time! GDT! When I look at Ben's hair I feel like I'm staring into my middle school yearbook. It's not something that works for me on any level. Minus the level of me that is still stuck in middle school. Which, isn't an actual level. I am just wondering if he washes it often.

Ben hired the best playwrights in all the land to write a play for the ladies! Twist! They are small children! A plethora of ethnicities and socioeconomic statuses! Way to go, ABC!

The kiddies were obviously instructed to make the gUrls do stupid things and look SILLY!!!!!!!!!!! Success! The gUrls looked so, so silly!!!!!!!!!!

"How about a sexy dance." -- Small child
"Oh, that's sexy." -- Other small child
That's just weird.

Of course they made cleavage gUrl jog in slow motion. Those ABC Producers are too good! They can get different demographics to tune in no matter what!

The model and the horse gUrl are having a really weird talk. Scratch that, the model is having a weird talk. She's got darkness inside of her. Just watch.

The group daters (who should probably be in group therapy instead of dating) start rehearsing their play. The costumes were pretty entertaining. We head on over to the community theater and Ben's closest friends (and some other people that were paid to be there) are in the audience! So much to be nervous about!

Official review: "Prince Pinot of Bachelorville" is the worst play ever. But, just you watch-- someone will produce this bullshit soon. I guarantee it.

That tree is awesome.

Children wrote this?! Ben takes his clothes off, the gUrls had to do a sexy dance. I HATE HUMANS. Why do this to small children?

"This is the first time I've ever been attracted to a sheep." --Jacyln
Prayerfully, it'll be your last.

Everyone thinks watching Ben with kids is eye-opening. I don't agree. I mean, yeah, if he punched a kid or cussed one out, that'd be like, "Hey! That's not fun, we shouldn't get married!" But, who's an asshole to kids while being forced to be nice to kids on a television show? No one. Most of the time, anyway.

Play over. Pool and dranky-drink time!
Those two gUrls take Ben away to kiss him on the cheek. YAWN.

Blakely isn't going to hold back and she's going after what she wants. All of the other "ladies" are mad at her, but clearly they are forgetting that BLAKELY IS A 34-YEAR-OLD COCKTAIL WAITRESS. She needs to go after it! I don't blame her.

"Where does this style come from?" --Ben, to Blakely
Ben, really? 'Slutty' isn't a style. It's a lifestyle.

Oh, we've got drama in the public restroom! Can you imagine the germs on that blanket that one gUrl wore into that bathroom. I am puking just thinking about it. I hope they burned it afterwards. That's not safe.

Oh. My. Gosh.
The Model just quoted Charlie Sheen.
And then she got the one-on-one date.
And then she started talking trash to every other gUrl in the room.

"I thought she was a real person." -- Erika
Yeah...about that.

It's pool party time back at GDT.

The Ginger Accountant takes Ben away for some hot tub time and of course, gets a kiss. Shocker! I'm sure it was the acoustics in the room, but it seemed like the kisses were incredibly loud. Slight gag. 


"Being a Scorpio, we're super passionate." --Blakely
The fact that she even knows what her sign is proves that she's crazy.

Blakely gets Ben alone and they kiss. Shocker. YAWN.
Jennifer, the Ginger Accountant, was beyond upset. She cried.
HUMANS ARE SO PREDICTABLE.

Ben told the ladies he was proud of them and that was weird, because I've been super embarrassed for the last hour for everyone on this show.

Blakely gets the rose.
And I'm sure it has nothing to do without the amount of booze anyone has had to drink tonight.

Now, the Accountant feels used and sad and like she'll never fall in love.
More tears and a sad speech about falling in love and something about finding out who she is or something. Go to church, gUrl.

To me, the worst thing about Blakely at the moment are her earrings. Real talk.

Ben and The Model head off into Wine Country so Ben can see if she can handle the small town. Naturally, they just go out into some woods, because that's what small town living is-- WOODS.

"It feels like a Saturday." --Ben
Well, Ben, was it a Saturday?


"My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard." --The Model
Her face didn't move!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


"I was just doing me for a while." --The Model
Ben, run! Run! For real! Anyone who uses that phrase during Real Talk is not an "appropriate woman" for anybody on Earth. This is your warning.

Could she speak in cliches a little more, please? My gosh. It's like she doesn't know any phrases other than ones she's heard on this show before.

Dinner time! And again-- I don't think she knows words.

"I meet people, I'm just not interested in them." --The Model
Because you're terrible and selfish and say stuff like, "I've been doing me."

Why did I not start counting the cliches at the beginning of their date?

What is Ben wearing? That's so many layers and they are not working together. Four layers. He's wearing four layers and The Model has on a beach cover up and what looks to be a cami under the beach cover up.

The cliches wore off on Ben, "Courtney does make me think 'big-picture.'"

ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Horse gUrl steals some time with Ben and he tells her that she made such a good first impression on him that he didn't need to take her on a date this week. BURN! Then, they just discuss trucks and fields. I mean, I'm not the most experienced dater, but I'm pretty sure I've never talked about TRUCKS on any date ever.

Blakely lets everyone in on her secret to getting the rose on the group date. She has on earrings that have to weigh 10 to 12 pounds a piece and then, she took those earrings into the middle of Samantha's drama fest with Ben. Sammy is PIST.

Same story, different verse.
YAWN.

"It's like a war out there." --The Model
Yes, Courtney, I'm sure my grandfather who fought on the front lines of World War II in the Pacific would totally agree!

The Blogger gets some face time with Ben and she really takes it to a whole new level by saying, "I feel like a guy." Hey, Blogger! this is not some sick TLC show about transgenders. This is a family show. You can't talk about shit like that to him.

"I don't want horse face in my face." --Jaclyn, about Blakely
That's not going to work for me. Lindzi is horse gUrl, Jackie!

Ben is finally picking up on the reoccurring them in the house: CRAZY.

Ben goes to find Blakely and she's sitting in a corner alone and crying. Red flag. 

What is Ben thinking at this point? He has to be thinking, "THERE'S NOT ENOUGH WINE IN THE WORLD TO GET ME THROUGH THIS." Right? I mean, there's not enough wine in the world to get me through this and I'm just watching it months later.

Chrissy Poo Harrison comes to Ben's rescue! However, at this point, I think the only person who can save Ben, is Ben. SAVE YOURSELF, BEN!

OH.
SNAP.

Sheryl's granddaughter gets the final rose!

The Blogger is in shock as she gives her final interview. Honey, it's not shocking. You told him you felt like a guy. And now look at you.

"Are you kidding me? Are you kidding me? I'm mortified." --The Blogger
Just wait until you watch this later, you'll really be mortified and probably short a few friends. Also, your dad is probably going to be pretty disappointed. Maybe even your mom, too. Just a heads up, gUrl!


"I think I deserve love. I'm always trying to find it." --The Blogger
Look harder?

Ben gives the gUrls another surprise-- the gang's headed to San Fran!

And then, I changed the channel.