the bachelor:: ben: epi 7.

"This week is the week leading up to hometowns." --Ben
I mean, his voice cracked. 
And it was just a voiceover. 

That was within the first 9 seconds.

We meet up with the ole gang in Belize. For those unfamiliar with geography, ABC has a lovely graphic for your cartogprahy needs. Ben rides in a boat and has on an ugly tank top and speaks in broken sentences while on a dock. Something about hometown dates and perfection.

The "ladies" arrive via boat to a mansion. Well, a mansion on the outside, the inside kind of looks like Spring Break '98/ Panama City Beach (NOT Panama).

Chrissy Poo tells the gUrls what to expect for the next week. The date card has arrived and The Model lets Horse gUrl know she's going on the one-on-one date. You've never seen a less enthusiastic group of gUrls in your life. Minus if you could see me right now. I'm not enthusiastic about it.


Nicki is crying.
I can only imagine what she was like in high school.
gUrl, you're 26 and have been through a divorce.
Get. it. together.
So much drama.

Ben arrives and someone told him it was a good idea to wear that tank top.
It was not a good idea.

(Ignoring the helicopter. Not touching it.)

Horse gUrl and Ben are flying over the water and Ben is basically sitting in her lap. I would've been like, "Hey, if you wanted the window seat, why didn't you just say so?" or even, "There's a whole other side to this chopper! Please get off of me."

"It's called the blue hole." --Ben
He doesn't know. He just made that up. 


Horse gUrl and Ben have to jump out of the heli into the water.
This is the part of the show I would call, "High Drama on the Open Seas with Time for Kissing."


"Oh my gosh, I could die in two seconds." -- Horse gUrl
Omigah. Ratings! 

She didn't die.
She lived.

Ben says they can accomplish anything together after jumping out of the helicopter.
My parents have been married for almost 34 years. I've never seen them jump out of a helicopter.

So, to Ben, marriage is being fake stranded on a deserted island and jumping out of a helicopter. He sees forever in those actions. We must be watching two different television shows.

We learn that Emily, not The Model gets the next one-on-one. In a rare moment of vulnerability, The Model starts crying. She must've pinched herself a whole bunch to make that happen.

"This is my worst nightmare." --The Model
CAN YOU SEE INTO MY BRAIN, gUrl?
This really is my worst nightmare!

The dinner convo is pretty lame and Ben asks the Horse Lover if she's ready to take him back to stable.

Horse gUrl "absolutely" wants to take Ben back to stable. She's "excited." About this time Ben channels his inner Sting and tells Horse gUrl they are going to write a message in a bottle. SENDING OUT AN SOS. SENDING OUT AN SOS. SENDING OUT AN SOS.

Ben closes out the letter by promising to always be truthful and honest.
Ummm...that's the same thing, Ben!
Being truthful means you're being honest, idiot.

Did we discuss that this promise to be truthful and honest was an ETERNAL PROMISE? ETERNAL. He said the word ETERNAL.

I cannot roll my eyes any further back in my head right now.

Emily gets the next one-on-one date and she gets a plane.
A PLANE.
Haters gonna hate, honey.

Ben meets Emily on the runway and they get on some bikes and they both have on OPEN-TOED shoes. Do they not have parents who love and care about them? The number one rule in bike riding is to always wear closed-toe shoes (and a helmet, too, I guess). I mean, come on! My dad would be so mad at me if he knew I was riding a bike around in sandals.

I think I heard Ben say "easy-peasy," but I'm not sure. I'm pretty concerned about their footwear.

Oh, hoop it up, home gUrl, hoop it up!

Then, they they walk around barefoot.
OMIGAH.
Diseases.

How convenient that that guy can take them lobster diving? Perfect. That Ben! He's so spontaneous. That was totally his idea. Totally his idea.

I imagine Emily was humming "Under the Sea" to herself the whole time she was lobster diving.

The Model is crying again and talking about Ben "having her back." Hey, Model, this isn't a high school basketball team. Be a regular person.

We hit up the lobster dinner and Emily avoids Ben's question about going home by talking about The Model, but then comes back and says she's ready to take Ben home. She thinks her family will love him. I think that could be true, but they don't know about his naked time with The Model in Puerto Rico. OOPSIES!

"I know people who are smart don't like to be called smart all the time." -- Ben, to Emily
DO YOU EVEN KNOW ANY SMART PEOPLE?


Courtney gets the next one-on-one date.
Kacie B. breaks out of her shell and drops the "F" bomb.
You go, gUrl.

People really don't like The Model.
Everyone is going off.
I bet they'd feel differently about her if she was a Lane Bryant model.

Ben and The Model hit up a temple that is "climbing towards the sun."

Isn't Ben's tote bag just the cutest?
I love that all that ever ends up at these "picnics" is champagne or wine.
What's more refreshing after a hike than some almost chilled champagne?

Could Ben be sweating any more than he his?
I bet he's dehydrated. I'm worried.

The Model is ready to dump her feelings on Ben. Ben then brings up the Dentist. Finally! It's been almost an hour and he hasn't mentioned her once.

"I'm a weird guy." --Ben
See: boring. 


Ben is ready to meet her family.
I am, too.

The two idiots sit down for dinner and they are still sweating.
The Model is rambling about something AND only speaking in cliches (shocking).

"I believe in soul mates." --Ben
If you were my soul mate, I'd kill you and end up on a Dateline special episode.


Was The Model in a gang once?
Kill shot? Really?
What in the hot hell made her like this?

The Model starts real talkin' about the other "ladies" to Ben. She calls them boring and exhausting and then tells Ben that she doesn't have gUrl friends. Red flag! The conversation got really weird and really concerning. How about that face from Ben when she just said she had a lot of guy friends? Bingo!

"One of my fears is being with a woman that I like, but other people don't." --Ben
Preach, son. 


The three-on-one date begins at 4am.
That's my type of date!

The sun was up by the time they finally got out there.
What the what?

"We're going to be doing something on the water." --Rachel
Really? She said that as she was on a boat. 
What was your clue, gUrl?


Ben and the "ladies" are going shark diving! Eeeeeeeek! (SHOUT OUT TO MY gUrl, TAMARA JAN!)

Basically, Nicki and Kacie go on the date alone while Ben attends to Rachel. Smooth move, Rachel. Well played. Well played.

The shark dive is over and Ben pulls Rachel aside. He asked some interesting questions.
I would ask why she has so many unnecessary piercings. Somebody went to Claire's a lot during junior high!

Nicki wants to take Ben back to Hurst.
If I end up in the Mid-Cities with a man-- he's probably not the one.
(These two sentences are strictly for DFW-ers.)

The floral arrangement in Kacie's hair is distracting.
It looks like there is a bee pollinating in it/on it.

Kacie tells Ben she's falling in love with him.
Sad, sad gUrl.

Kacie B. gets the rose for wearing her heart on her sleeve!
TWIST!
She had on a swimsuit! No sleeves!

The three-on-one takes a dangerous turn and the gUrls tell Ben to be cautious about The Model.

ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The gUrls are talking about how hard it will be to leave because, mainly, they have made some really strong friendships.

The Model is most sad about leaving her pina colada.

Emily was having such a hard time during the discussion period that she had to hold Kacie's hand throughout it.

Chrissy Poo appears and we learn that there's no cocktail party!
Shots, shots, shots, shots!

I really think The Model might be on some type of illegal substance. Nothing real serious, but definitely something mind-altering.

Ben stops the rose ceremony to discuss some BS with The Model.
I'm really not sure what he accomplished with this because he didn't seem to really ask a ton of questions, she just BS'ed her way through it by saying something about, "Put yourself in my shoes..." And then it was just kind of over and he was fine.

The shot of Nicki saying, "50/50" was one of my favorite moments of television ever.

ONE ROSE LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Model gets the rose.
Zero surprises there.
Zero.

What's so interesting is that the other gUrls still don't know that The Model and Ben have seen each other naked and likely have done the duRRty. That's why she got the rose. He ain't playin' around here, folks.

Rachel cried a little, said she felt rejected.
Probably how her left ear felt.
Her right ear got all of the attention with that giant peacock feather.

The Model waved with her rose as Emily walked away.
Emily mostly held it together.
I really hope she remembers that she's a PhD student and much, much better off for this not working out.

You know what's crazy?
The Model saying the people on this show are boring and exhausting.
I couldn't agree more!