the bachelorette :: emily : epi 1.

Oh, look who's back! It's Lil' Ricki and Barbie Emily.

We open up this season with some floating balloons and the decree, "Get all the sugar boogs out."
To be fair, Emily did say this while Lil' Ricki was exercising dental hygiene, but still...

Emily goes through her whole story about the plane crash and then some sexy-time music comes on and she talks about Lil' Ricki going to bed at 7:30, so she needs someone to love her.

I think this is probably the best way for this to happen.

We get to see Brad propose to Barbie Emily. And you'll remember-- SHE SAID YES.

Emily said coming back on the show is a "huge risk." THEN, she said being engaged is, "really special and should be saved for the person you're going to marry." WHAT A NOVEL IDEA. Copyright that.

Should we even mention the fact that she's dragging her six-year-old daughter into this festival of shit? Can you imagine what this kid thinks? She's going to be 14 and want to go to the movies with a boy and is going to expect a helicopter.

It should also be noted: they are in Charlotte, North Carolina. Surely you know why that makes me nervous! EMILY DOESN'T HAVE AN OCEAN TO STARE INTO FROM A BALCONY! How is she going to over-think any decisions without a balcony AND an ocean? I'm really worried.

-----

Finally, it's time to meet the boyZ.

Luxury brand consultant: He has a few dollars in his pocket. What luxury brands are in Houston?
Sports trainer for kids: Hello, Dateline.
Lumber trader: Trader? Does he barter furs, too? He's also a father. A father that takes his kid out into the cold rain and makes him open his mouth.

"Now, I'm just a single dad trying to find love." --Lumber Boy

Black guy with a tiny dog: Not into it. He's a big man with a TINY dog!
Singer/songwriter: His song for Emily was something I would make up if I was deaf and had never heard a song before.
Recruiter: WHAT/WHO DOES HE RECRUIT?

"I may have had a head injury, but there's nothing wrong with my heart." --Recruiter

Skateboarder: He's into bottled-water. And denim jackets.
Race Car Driver: COME ON, ABC. YOU SICK, SONS OF BITCHES.

-----

We get a glimpse of Lil' Rickie wearing some hooker heels and putting on make-up, so I feel really good about HUMANS in 2030. Also, how does Emily own that much make-up?

"You look like a princess." --Lil' Ricki, to Emily
Yeah, if by princess you mean just a gUrl wearing a nightie from Victoria's Secret.

-----

Emily meets up with Chrissy Poo Harrison and she tells him that she was scared to do this. I'm scared, too. Scared that people with children would do this and think this is a safe environment for them to meet people. Barbie says she doesn't want to talk about losing Ricky. I'M ALL FOR THAT.

Emily takes her spot to wait on the boyZ and she looks like a sad leftover pageant princess with a man for a fairy godmother.

HERE COME THE LIMOS.

She's met two boyZ and I'm getting a little bored. This is not good. We've got 13 weeks of this, gang.

That one guy came and got down on one knee and said that lame quote from the internetS about moments and breaths and I think to myself, "You had months to prepare and think about this and you got a quote off of a 14-year-old's MySpace page for your introduction?" OY VEY.

Chris is a corporate sales director.
So, Chris works at a hotel and sometimes people who work for corporations stay in his hotel.

Alessandro made his way from Brazil to Minneapolis? I'd love to hear more about how that happened. Had to have been an accident, right?

What happened to the other "F" in Jef's name? : (

I think it's super creepy that twice now, the man with the tiny dog, Lerone, has said Emily's single-momness is what is the most attractive about her.

Stevie rolls in with a boombox from K-Mart and a terrible green shirt.

"I feel like I'm in a night club." -- Emily, to Stevie
WHAT A SHITTY NIGHT CLUB. 
Note to self: Don't ever go to a club in Charlotte. 

Charlie has on a khaki suit. Ladies, when was this filmed?! A khaki suit in the winter? OY VEY.

Oh, holy hell. A guy brought a slipper in on a pillow. : (

After the dude dressed up as a grandma and then a guy introduced himself as, "Wolf" I fast-forwarded through the rest of the limo scenes.

-----

COCKTAIL PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!

Emily rolls in and is greeted with the largest glass of white wine I've ever seen. Baby gUrl, I feel you. I'd need an IV of white wine to get through that shit storm of dudes and cheesy compliments.

Chris pulls out a bobble head doll of himself. Then, he gets pretty next level and pulls out a bobble head doll he made of Emily.

"I think she deserves the best." --Jef
Well, she certainly came to the right place, right?!
And this was said by a guy who is clearly lacking an "F" in his name. 


I think the humidity is getting to Emily's hair. That makes me feel like I can actually relate to her.

The dad from Seattle brought a note from his son to give to Emily. So, now we have two parents exploiting their children for fame and love!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This guy probably takes his son and a puppy to the park on Sundays to try and lure women into his lair.

FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!

Chrissy put the rose down awfully close to the fire. I know if I was on this show I'd throw that rose into the fire as a joke that I'd take too far. I'm kind of impressed that these boyZ are obviously a little more mature than I am in that sense!

Helicopter boy gets interrupted by the insurance agent and our first confrontation of the season happens between him and the Beat Boy. ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT IS THE POSSIBILITY OF THERE POTENTIALLY BEING A DANCE-OFF FOR EMILY'S HEART.

The race car driver sits down with Emily to tell her about his career. Her face dropped. ABC, YOU ARE THE WORST. JUST THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

SINGLE DADS FOR THE WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE DIDN'T EVEN NEED A PUPPY. Sean from Seattle gets the first impression rose.

"I actually think I deserved the first impression rose." --Chris
I want to validate his feelings and all, but I don't understand how someone can "deserve" that. 


-----

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, Kalon is his real name?

There are some terrible suits/shirts/shirt-tie combos happening here. We've got the ode to "Steel Magnolias" with the blush and bashful shirt and tie. The beat boy with the green shirt. There's a dude with a maroon and purple plaid shirt rocking a deep mauve tie, which leads me to the question: is deep mauve a color? We also have the black shirt with a little bit of a sheen being accented with the brightest purple tie that they sell at Marshall's in Austin, Texas.

The guy with that ostrich egg is standing there so proudly holding that damn egg. : (
BUT, THEN HE GOT A ROSE.

No real surprises here.

Lerone, tiny dog man, did not get a rose. Do you think he's still into single moms?

WHOA. Hold up. Brent really has six kids? Six? Like the number after five?

"It felt like my heart fell on the floor and got trampled." --Dude that didn't get a rose
IF that's even possible, I don't think you'd feel it because if your heart fell out of your body you'd probably die instantly. FIND A BETTER ANALOGY. 


-----

We get to see scenes from the rest of the season. I'm super thrilled to see her taking her daughter out of school to experience this BS. Then, they showed her making out with a guy and then another guy.

At one point they bleep out the F-bomb. There are a lot of tears. Especially from the boyZ.

AND THEN, DOLLY PARTON SHOWED UP.
DOLLY PARTON.

And that's how it ended.

What a shit show.

-----

Oh, not over yet. That dude took off his shirt to show us his abs. I can only imagine the pride his mother is feeling at this very moment.