bachelor pad: epi 2.

I know I didn't blog about last week's epi, but I'm glad I don't have a slutty twin sister.
AM I RIGHT?


I'm going to attempt to recap this reality television disaster, but with so much happening at the exact same time that nothing is happening I can't guarantee much.


Also, this is a family-friendly blog. This show is not something you should ever mention watching to your family.

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We open up with Erica's celebration.
I would celebrate more if she wasn't wearing that dress. I think, technically, it's lingerie.
I think.

Rachel takes it to the street with the twins later. Then, I don't know what happened. They were just arguing and crying. Arguing and crying. Crying and arguing.

"You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried. You did it again, I cried." -- Twin1
What. 


Then, they made up.

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Chrissy Poo is rockin' a wrinkled shirt and some sexy cargo pants.
If by 'sexy' you mean gross linen cargo pants.

IT'S COMPETITION TIME!!!!!!!

In Bachelor Pad's ode to the Olympics, we're doing some rhythmic gymnastics. You have to believe that the actual gymnastic gUrls wish they were in London at the Olympics and well, they aren't. You have to imagine that their parents are just sad. SAD. All that money and time DOWN THE DRAIN. And now here they are on national television "coaching" these always half-a-step away from being drunk people.

The Padders are split into boy and gUrl groups. It's a shit show. I can't think of any other way to describe it. JUST SAD.

Erica Rose, of course, is the worst gUrl in the group. I think she's sedated. Has to be. Right?

Donna, the fan, is just "killing" it.
But, that's according to Donna.

THIS IS REALLY STUPID.

Uh-oh! Leotards!
Or just TARDS.

PERFORMANCE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!

They put the gUrls in the same outfit as the boyz.
TEEHEE!!!!!!!!!!!!

UH-OH. THE DENTIST AND JP ARE HERE TO JUDGE THE COMPETITION!!!!!!!!!!!!!
When is she actually going to be a dentist? GO BE A DENTIST.

The other judge is supposedly a gymnastic medalist from the US, but she looks like a Pussycat Doll. I honestly don't know if I could choose between being a Pussycat Doll and an Olympic medalist. JOKE. I'd be a medalist.

The gUrls perform and it's pretty bad.
Bad and sad.

THIS IS SO STUPID.

Next up, the boyZ.
Supposedly, the boyZ were better than the gUrls, but I was checking Twitter for Olympic updates, so I don't know if that's really true or not.

WORST PERFORMER FOR gUrls: Erica Rose : (
WORST PERFORMER FOR BOYZ: Ed : (

BEST PERFORMER FOR gUrls: BLAKELY
BEST PERFORMER FOR BOYZ: MICHAEL

I'm watching this and I'm like, "THIS IS YOUR REAL LIFE."

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Michael isn't thinking strategy at all. He is looking for a love connection.
LOOK SOMEWHERE ELSE.
And. Does this mean he's on the show for the right reasons or the wrong reasons?

Erica Rose cannot handle that Donna is going on the date instead of her.
Donna is wearing a crocheted, bare mid-riff top. It's cute, if you live in a trailer park and you aren't planning on being cold throughout the evening.

Donna is workin' it.
If you like Creed cover bands. Oh, that's not a Creed cover band?
There was also a 70-year-old man in the crowd.

Again: if you, as a band, end up on this show is it the highest or lowest point of your career? I say lowest. But, I'm not a band.

OH. WE HAVE A KISS.
IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.

Rachel says he's a phenomenal kisser.
He's not a phenomenal dresser.

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Somewhere else there's a burrday party going on for some gUrl. This boy throwing it is someone I have never seen on my television before. There's a lot of drama happening.

At one point this gUrl says, "I'm someone he can take home to his family." About this time, she points to herself and she's wearing lacy, fingerless gloves. Talk about irony.

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We get back to the group date and they are drinking, what seems to be straight whiskey.

Michael pulls Donna aside and she's brought her 8th grade notebook. She creepily drew a sketch of Michael years ago and is now showing it to him. In return, Michael makes out with her, to "fulfill a fantasy." OY VEY.

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Chris, wearing his token hoodie, is workin' that back and playing some GAME. He's kissing gUrls and then crawling into bed with other gUrls.

It seems like these people wear their swimsuits all day long and I just have to note: that's pretty unsanitary and can cause some pretty disastrous things. Also note: not speaking from a personal experience, but 9th grade health class.

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RACHEL GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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So, I've figured out that Chris is partners with Blakeley, but he's making out with Jamie and saying he wants to be partners with her. They are BOTH wearing hoodies now. Now, they aren't wearing hoodies, but they are in the same bed. I CANNOT KEEP UP.

Oh no!!!!!!!!!! Jamie just walked up to her bunk, but she found the hoodie-less couple smooching. ON THE BOTTOM BUNK OF HER BED, NO LESS. These people have no regard for others. Lots of tears.

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Blakeley has to decide who to take on her date. She picks Chris, Ed and David. David starts crying when he's chosen. WEIRD.

The date consists of some Soapbox Derby racing. YAWN.

I mean, really Soapbox Derby? This is your marketing technique?

CHRIS, WHAT SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
IS THAT A FISHING SHIRT?
OR WHAT IS THAT?

There's a lot of spray paint and a lot of plotting by the pool.
These people must not have actual lives. I cannot imagine leaving my life and my job to go on this show. After taxes and splitting $250,000, that's not much money.

Ed wins the derby and he drinks out of the trophy.
Shocking.

It's after-date cocktail party time!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lots of "strategy" talk.  And lots of sad, sad behavior from these adults.

David opens up to Blakeley.
Chris opens up to Ed in the pool.

"I'd be sitting in an 8x8 storage room with you and could be happy." -- Chris to Blakeley
My main question would be: why are you in an 8x8 storage room?

David's strategy doesn't work. Chris gets the rose. NO ONE CARES.

THE OLYMPICS ARE ON. WHY ARE WE WATCHING THIS?

All the BP'ers are at the pool and hooking up.
Literally, everyone is hooking up but Sarah.
She remedies that and takes Ed upstairs.
Dads everywhere cried. Like, real tears.

We hear from the Twins for the first time in a while. They both are having a mental breakdown.
It's honestly entertaining to hear the other BP'ers talk about them.

There's just a lot of crying.
Like, a lot of crying.

Eventually, they get in a van and leave.

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ROSE CEREMONY PARTY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No gUrls have to leave.

At this point, I have no idea what is happening. People are voting, people are crying, people are plotting against one another. I figured out that one gUrl is strategizing to get her own partner voted off. Like, THE OLYMPICS ARE ON.

FAST FORWARD.

Chris calls, "final rose tonight."

ED GETS THE ROSE!!!!!!!!!
RYAN IS LEAVING BACHELOR PAD IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!!!!

What. a. disaster.

"I'm leaving with nothing." -- Ryan
No, son. You're leaving with some pride. Get the hell out of there. 

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We have to do this again next week?
Kill me.