The people who created this show are absolute geniuses. The premise isn't that all that cerebral or anything, but the fact that they can continue to draw people into this false reality is astonishing. I'm definitely a victim. The worst part is that they convince us to watch this episode and lead us to believe we'll learn some juicy details about the season. In reality, we got about 19 minutes of interview time with Mama Bear and some of the boyZ. Such a load of shit.
During Emily's first one-on-one with Chrissy Poo, while discussing some of the most "unforgettable" moments, Mama Bear says dating with a daughter is HARD. She says this whole experience didn't affect Ricki at all. At all? Really? JOKE.
She then says that interrupting gUrl talk is the golden rule. I guess she means the golden rule is that you don't interrupt gUrl talk?
The sexual tension and chemistry between Chrissy Poo and Mama Bear is insane. He's so protective of her. And Baby Boy really dislikes Ryan.
"I know what it's like to be judged unfairly." -- Emily
I wish you would tell me more about that.
Emily saying, "Get the F out," was one of Chrissy Poo's all-time favorite moments ever.
Cool.
FAST FORWARD.
BACH PAD PREVIEW: Whoa, Chris. You should probably get tested soon! Guess we finally have the answer to the age old question, "What becomes of the broken-hearted?" They go on another show and get. it. on.
Now, we're watching some of the "drama."
YAWN.
Kalon takes the hot seat and before they can get into anything we have to "take a look back."
This show, like every other epi, is just one huge, long recap of previous shows.
If I wanted to set myself on fire five episodes ago, what do I want to do now? What's worse than setting yourself on fire? I need to know.
OMIGAH. More baggage talk.
Die.
"I didn't know for a fact that I absolutely didn't want a step-child." -- Kalon
I can honestly say that today, I don't want one. What does that mean?
Remember how everyone hated CAM (Crazy Ass Michelle), but turns out she was just funny? Is that what's happening here?
"I guess my humor is wasted on a lot of people." -- Kalon
Speaking straight to my damn heart.
That guy who looks like a lion (an ugly lion) says Kalon was just there for the glitz and the glamour. We must've be watching different shows, Mustafa. What glitz? What glamour?
Now, we have to watch Ryan's clips. I don't know if I completely disagree with Ryan or am totally on-board with him. But, then, I'm like, "WHO GIVES A SHIT?" Oh yeah, not me.
Then, Chris tries to confront Ryan and well, it goes real poorly for Chris. Ryan puts him in his place at least half-a-dozen times and someone sitting behind Chris fist pumps non-stop throughout the confrontation. What was that? He'd fist pump for both of them, so what side is the fist pumper on?
Ryan is very-well groomed, right? And so tan. Too tan. He looks like a Disney prince. But, not in the good way. He isn't ugly, but he's something. I just don't know anything anymore.
Ryan told Chris he never considered him a front-runner.
Chrissy Poo tells us Ryan won't be the next Bachelor.
BORING.
BORING.
BORING.
Oh, yay!
It's time for Chris's one-on-one with Chrissy Poo.
Will there be tears?
I'm still crying over that tie he wore on his last night.
Chris has a strong mustache going.
Weak beard though.
"I loved that gUrl 110 percent." -- Chris
He got that one from his junior high basketball coach.
"We're here today, we could be gone tomorrow." -- Chris
I wish that were actually true with this show.
Chris believes that falling in love is so special and that it can happen.
This guy is so going to murder the next person who doesn't love him back.
Mark it down.
Now it's time for Sean. He still has very strong feelings for her. AWKWARD.
IS ANYBODY REALLY READY TO TAKE IN A SIX-YEAR-OLD?
I mean, one week you're a single insurance agent in Dallas and 6 weeks later you have a six-year-old?
That sounds terrifying.
Sean has never really had a broken heart.
Sean is hopeful for the future.
Mama Bear's turn in the hot seat!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
She is wearing the tightest dress any mother has ever adorned.
Sean wants to thank Emily for opening up his eyes.
Oh, Chris wants to say THE EXACT SAME THING.
Emily confronts Kalon and she clearly hired a writer to help her deliver those lines. Kalon says, "Thanks for following me on Twitter."
This is all too much.
I hate myself so hard.
Of course it's a rented helicopter!
Who owns a helicopter?
BLOOPER TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I laughed once.
Ok, I turned it off.
We learned nothing.
However, I know a lot of homeless guys who date Emily. Probably.
They didn't even talk to that one guy with the language barrier issue. That's who I wanted to hear from.
Oh, ABC, I'm such a pawn in your game.
-----
Well.
There it is.
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Will Chris Harrison announce that he's dating Emily next week?
Here's hoping.
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