the bachelor :: sean : epi 4.

In a pretty shocking twist (spoiler alert!) we start off with Chrissy Poo in the living room giving the 'ladies' a little pep talk. He delivers the date card.

It was concerning that the producers chose to not show Sean working out in his blue shorts this episode. I had to wonder, "did he hurt him himself?" No! "Did the producers decide to quit recycling footage?" No!

In an attempt to reach to even lower depths, at the bottom of an already deep barrel, they showed Sean in his boxer briefs. So, at this point, his parents (HIS PERFECT PARENTS) are probably really proud. What God-fearing mother doesn't want their son and his junk on their 47' inch flat screen television in HD? Morals be damned!

During this shot, we're reminded that Sean just needs to focus his attention on relationships with each individual gUrl. He also started following them all on Instagram!

Selma gets the date card. Leslie H. cries. And it's an ugly cry. She wants Sean to see that she has a heart!!!!!!!! (Question: what did she do, that we missed, that may have caused Sean to think she doesn't have a heart?) (Possibility: it could be an actual medical condition?)

"I hope he's not making me do hot yoga." -- Selma
WELCOME TO MY LIFE. 
I can't imagine a date being over faster than if someone rolled up to my home and said, "It's time for some hot yoga!"

Selma is smooth. She somehow figured out how to work her weight into a conversation. I would too. IF I weighed 110 pounds.

Sean is tricking Selma. They aren't going somewhere glamorous. I hope it's somewhere that at least appreciates the lengths she went to, to show her cleavage in an appropriate way for a gUrl who can't legally (?) date in public (?).

Clearly, there were no flight-attendants on this flight. Selma relaxed the entire way and gave Sean the freedom to do nothing but stare down her shirt the entire time. Again. Smooth.

Sean says, "#nofilter. #soblessed."

Sean takes Selma to Joshua Tree National Park and they are the only people there. Sean's an "outdoorsy guy," he wants to "test" Selma. THIS ALL MAKES A LOT OF SENSE, PEOPLE.

Sean even packed a backpack. Selma DOES. NOT. DO. HEAT.

Sean's sunglasses are the least "outdoorsy" sunglasses I've ever seen on a man. He's not even wearing a croakie (a leash for sunglasses)!!!!!!!!!!!! They are going to fall off of his head!!!!!! Then what?!

Also, what outdoorsy man wears salmon colored board shorts to the desert?

He's also rock climbing in a pair of Chuck Taylor's?

He's like a damn ad for BASS PRO SHOPS.

They climb up the rock, grammar be damned, "you're doing good!" Selma complains a lot.

But, then. She says, "HE GAVE ME THIS ADRENALINE. AND THIS COURAGE."

It's like they were driving down the highway and Selma saw a tractor on top of a dog and she moved that tractor and saved that dog's life! Or. Someone at the top of that rock pulled Selma up the entire way and made Sean actually climb it.

We also learned that this was one of her fears and she conquered it. Sean is impressed. He doesn't want the day to end. He wants to go look at AirStream trailers!!!!!!!! Selma thinks they are going somewhere fancy! He's full of surprises! I'm telling you. THIS GUY!

They take a load off and settle down with some white wine.

Listen, I'm all for sitting down and being comfortable. But, the way these two were sitting made my neck ache. Selma must have a great chiropractor.

Sean tells us his SAD (SAD ASS) story about his one ex-gUrlfriend. He wasn't in a place to get married, but she mentioned marriage. So. They broke up. : (

Now, he is in a place to get married!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean wants to kiss. He's getting the vibe that Selma wants it, too. WRONG.

Selma starts dropping bombs (OVER BAGHDAD!!!!!!!!) and lets SeanBoy know that her mother would LITERALLY have a heart attack if they kissed on television.

Sean tells Selma he would like to kiss her. She says, "NO WAY." Then goes on a spree about her mother's culture and blahblahblah.

"We aren't allowed to date. Obviously, we're allowed to date." -- Selma
Nothing has ever been less obvious to me, Selma. And I pick up on a lot of context clues. 

She keeps calling it her mother's culture, but I think it might be her culture, too?

Can Sean date a Muslim-lady?
I have my doubts.

Doubts be damned! Selma gets the rose.

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GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean says the date is going to be INCREDIBLE. Spoiler! It's the exact opposite.

"I don't think having one arm is going to hold me back today." -- Soul Surfer
Normally, I would agree. 

THEY ARE PARTICIPATING IN ROLLER DERBY.

Every gUrl, but that tornado of negativity, Amanda, is terrified.

This whole segment lasts way too long.

Amanda told everyone that she's done this before. She knows how to psych-out her opponents. I got mad respect for that head-game she's playing!

Everyone is falling. And falling.
Sean is giggling. And giggling.

Soul Surfer is having some real problems. In a way that's real. And understandable. Roller-skating is all about balance and catching yourself when you fall because you lost your balance. She's not just skating on a regular surface either, it's got an incline!

It becomes a bigger deal than it should've.

But, she somehow keeps getting that hair in a ponytail, so she can do a lot of things I think she can't.

Doubts be damned! She's going to do it!

AMANDA FALLS AND GOES TO THE HOSPITAL.
SEAN CANCELS THE ROLLER DERBY.

COCKTAILS AT NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean is wearing a blazer and something under a blazer. It's not a hoodie and it's not a vest.

Sean steals Soul Surfer away. He wants to let her know that he's SO PROUD of her. She's embarrassed. I have to wonder if she gets like this in her everyday life. I just don't think she does! But, I don't know.

Amanda returns. Sean is so happy. She appears to be okay.
Sean gives her a kiss on her jaw. She is disappointed.

HERE COMES THE DRAMA TRAIN!!!!!!!!!!
ALL ABOARD TO TIERRA-VILLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Robyn is pissed. She's so pissed she doesn't even put her red wine down during her interview!

Tierra is better than the other gUrls, but she's not too good for those earrings. I've only seen earrings like that on billboards by the airport for gentleman's clubs.

Tierra goes on the hunt for Sean. She starts crying. Then, she starts bawling. She's being tortured. I think she mentioned Dick Cheney, too?

Sean is off making out with the substitute teacher and gearing up for a jaunt in the hot tub, when Tierra, who, remember, is being tortured by HIGH SCHOOLERS, appears out of a dark corner!

The substitute has to go back to the other gUrls in nothing but her bikini.

Tierra tells Sean she can't do it any longer. It's too hard. It's seriously torture.

I WOULD LIKE TO BE WATER-BOARDED AT THIS POINT IN MY LIFE.

Sean knows what she is going through. He's been through it. He knows it's worth it, if she's "had that moment." It's difficult, but think about that moment, gUrl! Think about it! It's this or going back to a life of waitressing at Applebee's and drinking champagne out of a Solo cup!

The music starts getting sexy.

Sean knows she likes him. He can tell.
She just wants his time.

AND SHE GOT THAT TIME BY ACTING LIKE A COMPLETE PSYCHO AND COMPARING THIS REALITY TELEVISION SHOW TO TORTURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What is Sean wearing under that jacket??????????????????????????

Tierra gets the rose.
Heads roll.

Sean wants to see where this goes. He's crazy about her.
I CAN TELL YOU WHERE THIS ENDS: A RESTRAINING ORDER AND POSSIBLY A DEAD DOG OR SOMETHING EVEN WORSE/WEIRDER. SHE'S BAT SHIT CRAZY (BSC).

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Sean sends Leslie H. some diamond earrings.

Sean picks Leslie H. up in a rented Maserati and they take off and are all giddy and screaming. They throw their hands up and are all, "IT'S A RENTAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOOO!!!!"

And now, we can all see that train headed down the tracks. The whistling is blowing, the engine is steaming.

IT'S EVERY gUrl's 'PRETTY WOMAN' FANTASY DATE.

No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Quick recap of 'Pretty Woman': Julia Roberts is a hooker. Richard Gere is a businessman. He hires her for the week. He gives her cash to shop on Rodeo Drive. People know she's a hooker. She says, "Big mistake! Huge!" They get in a fight. She leaves. He finds her. She's still a hooker. He climbs up her fire escape with roses. They fall in love.

Key words in the story here: hooker. hires. hooker.

PAUSE: WHAT IS THAT VEST, SEAN? It must've taken you 30 minutes to button that up! How many buttons are on it?!

Sean thinks this is every woman's fantasy.
NO! SHE WAS A HOOKER. This is not a fairy tale!

SIDE NOTE:: The following come to mind as 'fairy tales': Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, Princess Diaries, Kate Middleton's life, Grace Kelly's life, Gerald and Betty Ford's love story. ALL FAIRY TALES. To my knowledge, NO hookers are involved in any of those stories.

Sean takes Leslie H. to try on dresses. They are ugly dresses. Obviously.
She's taking advice from a guy in a vest and a plaid shirt.

Also, I think his belt has studs on it.
What is this, 'Sons of Anarchy'?

He's dressed like a knock-off Ken doll.

"I feel like I'm in 'Pretty Woman!'" -- Leslie H. 
YOU COULD GET ARRESTED FOR LIVING THAT LIFESTYLE. 
ARRESTED. 
YOU HAVE TO HAVE S-E-X WITH PEOPLE FOR MONEY. 

Sean then takes Leslie H. to Neil Lane. I used to have so much respect for Neil Lane.

Remember that scene in 'Pretty Woman' where Jason Alexander approaches Julia Roberts about becoming his hooker? SOUNDS LIKE A DREAM! She gets introduced to her "boyfriend's" friends and they want to sleep with her for money! Big mistake! Huge! Get me out of this polo match! I'm a hooker, but you better not treat me like one!

Sean takes Leslie H. to an abandoned building for dinner. Kind of like she's a hooker and they can't go out in public.

Sean tells Leslie H. she can keep the earrings. FORESHADOWING.

Sean says today is the most romantic date he could've ever dreamed up. I hope J.F. Lawton (he wrote 'Pretty Woman') isn't watching this!!!!! And Garry Marshall be damned!!!!!!! This was all Sean.

Sean wants to know more about Leslie H. She's scared to put her heart on the line.

Leslie H. tells a story about this guy she dated for 7 years in Florida. The story was the same story a lot of gUrls have, but she seemed like she was setting Sean up for a twist! I honestly thought she was going to say, "So, I grew up with this guy. We dated for 7 years. Then, he won the Heisman and we broke up." I really thought she was going to say Tim Tebow was her ex-boyfriend.

Nope. She just dated a guy that got married after they broke up.
That's it.

Leslie H. tells a story about her family. Sean has been "so blessed" by his family.
I AM SO OVER HIS FAMILY.
I love my family, too, Sean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UH-OH. Leslie's parents are divorced.
SEAN IS OUT.
LESLIE DOES NOT GET THE ROSE.

Leslie H. gets hustled into a Suburban and Sean makes the long, sad walk upstairs to listen to a guy play the guitar.

If I was Sean I'd go get a beer or something.

Instead, he goes to pick up the leftover rose and reflect on his decision.
He's having a few doubts. This decision doesn't feel good.

I mean, he rescued her from hooker-dom! He's her knight!

Hookers be damned!
Sean dropped that rose from the second floor and walked away.

Quick recap: Sean will date a Muslim, but not a gUrl with divorced parents.
PRIORITIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tierra realizes that in order for her to continue on in this "journey," there need to be less gUrls involved. Four episodes in and she finally understands the premise of the show! Finally.

Sean greets the 'ladies' and tells them that if they have any questions about anything, they should ask.
I can only imagine the questions these idiots asked him!

"Sean, what's the longest your parents have ever held hands?"
"Sean, how often does your family group text?"
"Sean, does your family have any cool family traditions?"

Robyn embarrasses herself for the umpteenth time and says something about, "Do you want to taste the chocolate?" and then kisses Sean. I WAS HORRIFIED BY THIS.

So far: two one-on-one convos and two kisses.

Let's talk about Amanda's hair? Casual brunch in the front, Hurricane Andrew aftermath in the back.

"At the end of the day I'm not going to let anyone bash a hammer over my head." -- Tierra
Say who?

Tierra pulls Jackie (WHO??????) and Robyn aside to "apologize." Robyn accepts her apology and her encouragement to "focus on yourself."

"I am too strong of a woman... to let high school pity stuff get in my way!" -- Tierra
She means, 'petty', right?
'Petty', not 'pity'?


Tierra sits down with Sean and she wants him to know that she HATES drama.
Side note to the men: When a gUrl actually says this, run! It's a red flag. gUrls who aren't dramatic, don't bring drama up. gUrls who are dramatic, want to not come off as dramatic and bring it up.

"I think you are your own worst enemy." -- Sean
AND EVERYONE ELSE'S, IDIOT. 

Sean says he won't be influenced by the other gUrls. He also says he realizes that Tierra requires more reassurance than any gUrl in the house and that's not a bad thing... he says.

Sean and Catherine (???????????????????????????????) are in love. When did this happen? This is the Vegan, right? What a waste! Vegan?!

gUrl, have you ever had a really good steak?
Read Genesis! We're supposed to eat cows!!!!!!!

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daniella gets the final rose over Amanda, the tornado of negative energy.
Her hair has been in a tornado.

Her hair doesn't even look cute-messy-casual. It looks like she spent a really, really, really, really long night at the Fiji house and his now headed for a recap brunch somewhere. Somebody get this gUrl some over-sized sunglasses and a shack shirt!

"It's not fair. I feel stupid." -- Amanda
I COULD GO ON FOR DAYS.

What's not fair, Amanda? WHAT?

"Here's to the continued development of our relationships." -- Sean
IS THIS A BUSINESS DEAL?
I have said that at the end of professional e-mails before. 

OY VEY.

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This was, honestly, one of the hardest epis I've ever watched and recapped. I'm not encouraged by next week's previews either.

First off, TWO NIGHTS? It is my honest hope and prayer that each night is an hour-long episode. Four hours of this will force me to throw myself down a set of stairs, ala, Tierra.

Second, Tierra gets medical attention... AGAIN?

I am 29 years old.
In Sean's words, "I'm so blessed."
I've never received medical attention from paramedics.
And now, Tierra's receiving it twice in five epis?!

I can't.
I just.


I'm going to watch 'Pretty Woman' and dream a dream.