the bachelor :: sean : epi 5.

And. Here we are on the brink of ABC's answer to the Super Bowl AND Puppy Bowl: 4 hours of BachSean and his "ladies." I haven't even started watching and I know it's going to quite possibly be the longest 4 hours of my whole entire life. My entire life. Longer than my high school graduation, longer than most football games, longer than a nap. LONG.

(If they had more puppies on here, I'd be down. HEY ABC, THAT IDEA IS FREE!!!!!!!!!!)

(I'd like to note that when I pressed 'info' on my remote it had a whole paragraph about "Seanhorsesmontanasomethingsomethingsomething HORSES" and then said, "ALSO: Drama erupts after the group date.") (They could've so much time by just saying, "Basically the same epi as last week, minus a gUrl, plus some horses!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!")

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ChrissyPoo starts off the epi in the living room with the ladies. He's looking way casual with his untucked shirt. He speaks slowly and methodically while explaining the week to the ladies. Slowly. And. Methodically.

He then drops the news that the gUrls will be accompanying Sean, who's now a country boy (?), to Montana.

Sean's never been to Montana. He accurately describes the landscape to us, "Mountains, tall pine trees." THE DETAILS. THIS GUY IS ALL ABOUT THE DETAILS.

Sean is ready to rough it in his fitted henley and expensive brown boots. Anybody who flies into Montana and isn't wearing a fleece vest is not someone I want to go to Montana with.

The ladies arrive The Lodge (proper noun there, folks. It's the name of the place they are NOT camping.) and find the date card. Lindsay, the substitute teacher, gets the one-on-one date AND STARTS CRYING when she finds out the news.

AND THEN THEY GOT ON A HELICOPTER AND ACCORDING TO SEAN IT'S "THE MOST BAD ASS HELICOPTER EVER." He obviously hasn't seen 'Zero Dark Thirty'.

They are taking a ride over Glacier National Park and Lindsay is excited, but she's more excited to hold hands with Sean (PROBABLY BECAUSE SEAN'S PARENTS HOLD HANDS ALL THE TIME).

Lindsay claims to be "outdoorsy," but she is wearing a scarf. So, I think she's a liar.

"I'm feeling so blessed." -- Lindsay
You aren't blessed unless you tweet it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They don't last very long in the great outdoors. Sean takes her indoors to "go deeper."

Lindsay's dad is a Two-Star General in the military. (SO. BAD ASS.)

Sean asked for details about her life, but all they talked about was how she moved around a lot as a kid and then they just kissed a bunch.

The gUrls get the group date card and learn that Tierra and Jaclyn will be on the two-on-one date. Tierra is the first person in the history of this show to be excited about this.

Sean tells Lindsay that she's going to be an incredible wife (REALLY?) and gives her the rose. Sean has ONE MORE SURPRISE for her. The surprise is a gUrl singing. The singer has some terrible dance moves and I have no idea who she is. It's probably a really good career move on her part, but if someone was surprising me with a special concert: BRING A PIANO. And like, sing a song I don't have to Shazam.

Things got really classy when Sean picked Lindsay up and she wrapped her legs around his waist. Her dad served in Iraq, so he's probably really proud of his baby gUrl right now.

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IT'S GROUP DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!

Sean's already back-tracked on his earlier statement of, "Montana is probably the most gorgeous place I've ever seen," to, "Montana just might be one of the most beautiful places I've ever been to." Poor Montana! : (

Sean says he doesn't need an "outdoorsman" wife. That's probz good, because like, scarf, fur vest, leather jacket, $400 boots. No one has on a single item of clothing from REI.

Chrissy explains the group date competition to the ladies. He's wearing a sweater over a sweater.

Part of the competition is milking a goat, THEN DRINKING THE GOAT'S MILK.

We learn that the losers of this "competition" won't be hanging with Sean after the competition.

Somebody asked SoulSurfer IF SHE WANTED TO CANOE.
Just let that soak in for a second.

Chrissy gave the gUrls cool plaid shirts.

"Red team, milking a goat!" -- Chrissy
Probz my all-time favorite line ever said on this show. 

The red team wins.

Lesley is the most mad about this. This is evidenced by her statement of, "weak people piss me off."

"This sucks." -- Someone in the van
DITTO COWLING. 

Chrissy shows up to The Lodge and surprises the blue team with an invite to the party. Heads are going to roll.

There must've been some sort of miscommunication in what kind of party the blue team was invited to, because they reacted like they were heading to Sigma Chi formal in Kansas City or something. No! Just drAnks by a fire with Sean and a billion other gUrls. WORST PARTY EVER.

"Inviting us to the party shows such character." -- Daniella, about Sean
Well, no. Not really. 

Selma is way mad about the inclusion of the losers. So is Des. So is Robyn. WOMEN BE TRIPPIN'.

"A lumberjack challenge cannot determine who I spend time with." -- Sean
Well, yes. It can. And it did. 

Then, Tierra shows up to surprise Sean.
Sometimes, surprises are sad.
: (

Tierra doesn't care what people think of her! She needs to see her man! Bitch be cray.

"She's having a hard time handling how this works." -- Sean
AND LIFE IN GENERAL, SEAN.

Destinee is MAD because she "worked her ass off" to win and then AshLee stole Sean away and she's convinced that Sean invited all of the gUrls back JUST TO SPEND TIME WITH HER. Delusional.

"I have a soul connection with you." --AshLee
TOO SOON. 

Sean wants to snuggle with Catherine.
You don't hear that everyday!
Probz goes back to his parents. His parents are probz way into snuggling.

Daniella went and creeped on Sean and Catherine and saw them snuggling and had a meltdown. MELT. DOWN. She figured out the premise of the show, then she cried. How do these gUrls not understand what's happening?????????????????????????

Sean gave Daniella the rose for being the first gUrl to accurately describe how the show works to the other gUrls.

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TWO-ON-ONE DATE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean wants to know if Jackie will be his BFF.
Not exactly what you want to hear on a date.

The band of three take off on a horseback ride and Jackie is quickly left in the dust.

"These horses are like, lovers." --Tierra
GROSS.

Jackie is wearing earrings the size of a hubcap. Like, a hubcap for a car.

During Jackie's one-on-one time with Sean she decides to tell Sean about Tierra being totes cray. She tells a story about Tierra saying another boy, other than Sean, was cute. Like, I mean. What. I can't.

It's time for dinner and Sean pulls Tierra aside.

"I get scared because I have the biggest heart." -- Tierra
MEDICAL CONDITION????????

Tierra tells Sean about her ex-boyfriend dying. Sad story, yes.

But, then she says she's scared of losing someone (Sean) she's close to. THIS IS NOT THE SAME THING. These stories are not comparable. Someone died! Sean is probz just not going to give you a rose!

Sean has made up his mind about who he is giving the rose to and, being true to his heart, he goes with Tierra.

Jackie tells Sean to be careful with his heart before getting into the SUV that looks like a Suburban, but is actually THE SADDEST PLACE IN THE WORLD.

Sean has arranged for some fireworks and Jackie can't even see them because she has her head buried in her hands deeper than the holler. She really missed out. The fireworks were cool!

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PRE-ROSE CEREMONY COCKTAIL TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sean gives a pre-game speech to the gUrls.

Destinee came to play tonight, as evidenced by her cleavage.
She's also figured out that Sean gives roses to the gUrls who cry and stuff. Then, I drifted off and quit paying attention for awhile, but I heard the word "confused" several times. JOIN THE CLUB, PEOPLE.

The ladies are discussing how sweet Jackie is in front of Tierra and just like a tornado of negative energy she pops up off the couch and heads off to sulk alone.

Robyn is sick of her. She's tired of it. She's going to nip this in the bud. Game's over!

Lesley has had enough as well.
Lesley makes a simple request of Tierra, "handle things like a normal human being."
If only it were that easy, baby gUrl. If only.

Tierra thinks it's ridiculous.

"This is pity bullshit." -- Tierra
Pity.
She means "petty," right?
Right?

Tierra's over it.

She's so over it that she tells the gUrls she can go get engaged if she wants to get engaged!!!!!!!!
Preach. Oh wait. What? You think boyz gonna be D2M (down to marry) after seeing this?

"She needs a Xanax." -- Des
Like, who doesn't?

Sean walked by and heard Tierra drop some F-bombs. He's not happy, so he takes her outside to sit on a giant wheel. She explains that the gUrls are attacking her. She's mostly upset because she's "not a drama gUrl." Say who?

Sean pulls Lesley aside and asks her what he needs to know about Tierra. Ole Lesley does a pretty good job of describing the situation to him, but he's an idiot and doesn't get it.

SeanBoy, her earrings say it all. Those earrings are drama.
Also, she said she would bite people.
BITE PEOPLE.
That's not a statement to just throw around!

People on bath salts bite people.

Chrissy sits SeanBoy down for a quick chat. He's transitioned from host to therapist. If I had a therapist that wore a tie like that AND had a pocket square I would not trust him. Also, he doesn't have a notepad. Therapists need notepads.

Sean still isn't understanding the Tierra situation. He's frustrated. No one has given him any evidence of Tierra being cray. So, I guess he's legally blind and deaf. Which, I think means he gets a tax break.

ROSE CEREMONY TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Destinee gets the final rose.
Robyn doesn't get a rose.
gUrls be sad.

Robyn gets into the Limo of sadness and despair and doesn't understand why Sean doesn't want her. She didn't even cry.

Sean stood outside and watched the limo drive away for like, WAY TOO LONG.

Finally. It's over.

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EPI BY THE NUMBERS
Times the word "drama" was said: 7,897
Times the word "drama" was said per second: EVERY SECOND

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The final 15 minutes of the show was a preview of tonight's epi and the rest of the season.

I saw somethingsomethingCRYINGHYPOTHERMIAsomethingsomethingELEPHANT.

So. Lots to look forward to, gang!